Wish
by mercuryadept92
Summary: Sam has fallen in love with Dean, but he is afraid Dean will reject him. During a hunt something happens that finaly gives Sam the chance he's been wishing for. But will he take it? Slash, Incest SamDean Wincest
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:I do not own Supernatural. It was created by the CW. The show wouldn't even be half as good if I had made it.

A/N: This is the second fanfiction I have written. I wish to improve my writing, so any critism or comments would be appreciated.

Sam looked at Dean out of the corner of his eye. It wasn't that Dean looked any different. He was wearing his usual jeans with a t-shirt covered by his leather jacket, but to Sam he was the most beautiful person in the entire world. He had protected Sam from everything when they were children. As they got older the dangers changed. It stopped being the thing under the bed to the ghoul or spirit they were hunting. However Dean was always there, to protect him and make it all better.

Sam wasn't sure when he had fallen in love with his brother. He supposed that it was during high school. All he could say for sure was that that was what had caused him to run to college. He was so scared of Dean's rejection he felt better running away than he did staying and possibly revealing it to Dean on accident. Sam loved his father, but if John disapproved of something Sam could've cared less, but if Dean rejected him he didn't know what he would do. Dean's opinion mattered more to him than anyone else's he cared about. So he did the only thing he could think of doing. He pushed his family away and went off to college. It hurt to push Dean away, but he thought it was better that way.

While he was at college Sam had managed to bury the feelings and make some friends, especially Jesse. He went on a few dates with some guys but nothing serious happened. When Dean appeared in the middle of the night everything changed. Everything he had been suppressing came back in a whirlwind and all he wanted to do was keep away from him so he wouldn't reveal his secret. But destiny had handed him a different card and here he was, staring at his brother like a lovesick schoolgirl. He wished Jesse had still been alive. It hurt to lose his best friend like that. She was the only person who knew how he had felt for Dean. She had supported him and gave him advice when she could. Whenever he would go out on a date with a guy she would always cover for him. She was like a sister to him, but closer. Everyone thought they were lovers because of all the time they had spent together, but there relationship was more than that. They were the only person in which the other confided in and Sam had lost the only person who knew everything in that fire.

"Take a picture. It lasts longer. You know you keep staring at me right? I know I'm a sexy as hell, but you could at least be discreet."

Sam's train of thought was broken by Dean's voice. He didn't even know Dean had noticed.

Fumbling for an excuse, Sam tried to make up something that was believable.

"I'm not looking at you. I'm looking at the scenery."

"You know you have your own window right?"

"Yeah, but I'm tired of looking out this window. I thought yours might be more interesting."

"So I'm more interesting than the country scenery? I'm touched Sammy. I really am"

Sam turned his head to look out his window and to hide his blush from Dean.

"You wish. And it's Sam"

"Looks like you're the one who's wishing, seeing as how you keep staring at me, Sam", Dean said putting great emphasis on the name.

Sam took a moment to answer, surprised at how close Dean came to the truth even if he was joking. Sam replied, "Fuck you"

"You wish"

"Ass"

"Bitch"

Sam tried to change the subject to something he was more comfortable with, hoping Dean would just let the conversation go.

"So, Dean, any idea where Dad's sending us?"

"Far as I can tell it's just some backwater town."

"Figures", Sam said under his breath.

"Apparently it's an easy job. It looks like it's just a haunted house. Probably some lonely spirit or ghost looking for company. Either that or a spirit protecting its haunting grounds. All we gotta do is figure out who the spirit is, unbury the bones, salt and burn them, and we're on our way. Easy right?"

"I guess", Sam said turning his attention back to the scenery to avoid looking at Dean.

"What do you mean 'you guess'?"

"I'm just saying that it seems too easy. When something seems so easy there's usually some kind of catch"

"You think too much. You know that geek boy?"

"One of us has to think since the other one doesn't. And call me Sam"

"Great wisecrack smartass. In any case, we're almost there. The map says there's a motel around here somewhere."

"Great. I'm tired. All I want is a good night of sleep"

"Yeah, I'm sure sitting in a car doing nothing all day must be exhausting", Dean said, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

"Sorry," Sam answered back, "But I'm not the one who doesn't let ANYONE drive his car"

"Can't have anyone messing up my baby, Sammy"

Sam rolled his eyes at the remark.

"We're here" Dean said after a few moments of silence.

Dean parked the car and the two of them got out of the car. The sun was still out, but was beginning to set. Dean opened the trunk and they got out some duffel bags filled with clothing. Dean closed the trunk and the two entered the motel. It was nicer than most of the places they had stayed at, but it was nothing fancy. They approached the counter. There stood a woman who seemed to be in her mid-thirties to early forties. She was wearing a yellow blouse and a pair of blue jeans. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail held by a blue ponytail, she had on some fake red painted fingernails, and she was wearing a shade of red on her lips Sam had never seen before. She smiled as they came closer.

"Hello, how y'all doing? My name is Margaret. I own this motel. So what's brought you to our little town?"

"Oh, nothing", Sam said putting on a smile. "We're just looking for a place to stay for a few days. It's nice to meet you Ma'am"

"Oh what a well mannered man. Margaret is fine. Anyway, so let me set you up. So let me guess, looking for a lover's retreat right?" She said taking a look at Dean "Is a king sized bed fine with y'all?"

Sam's eyes widened when he realized what Margaret was implying. He felt his face flush slightly. However before he could calm himself down enough to correct her, Dean appeared at his side. Sam felt Dean wrap an arm around his shoulders in a loving looking gesture.

"I don't know about the king sized bed. What do you think honey? Can we afford it?" Dean said this as he began stroke Sam's shoulder.

Sam felt his face burn as it changed from slightly flushed to crimson.

"Dean… wha-what the hell!?"

Dean laughed without replying before moving away from the counter to let Sam clean up the mess.

Sam looked down at his shoes as he apologized to Margaret.

"Sorry about that. No, we aren't lovers. He's my brother. He also seems to enjoy making my life hell. I'm Sam. His name is Dean"

Margaret laughed before putting her hand to cover her mouth.

"It's alright. I remember what it was like to have older siblings. They do enjoy making your life hell. Anyway so y'all want two twin sized beds? Sorry for the mix up."

"It's alright Margaret. Yeah that would be great. Here just charge it to this Credit Card.", Sam said holding out a fake credit card.

"Alright then. No problem Sam" Margaret said after a moment. She returned it saying, "Here you go."

"Thanks"

"Alright then boys follow me."

Margaret got out from behind the counter and headed up some stairs with Sam and Dean following behind. She led them up two flights of stairs before stopping at a room.

"Here y'all are. Your number is 12a. If y'all need anything don't hesitate to ask."

"Oh actually Margaret", said Sam, "I was wondering, is there any good bar around here or a diner?"

Margaret put a red painted finger to her cheek thinking. After a moment she replied, "Yeah. If you're looking for a good diner there's one just down the street. The only bar in town is about a half a mile east of here. Does that help?"

"Yeah thank you."

Margaret headed back down the stairs.

Sam turned and opened the door. Both of them entered quickly and sat down on their respective beds. Sam was silent for a moment before…

"What the hell was that Dean?!"

Dean, who had been rummaging in his bag for something looked up.

"What was what Sam?"

"Downstairs, when Margaret thought we were a couple. What the hell was with the 'honey' crap?"

"Oh that," said Dean laughing, "What, am I not good enough for you Sammy? It looked like I was enough in the car. I'm hurt."

Sam looked at his brother to see what kind of expression was on his face. He turned to see a cocksure smile on his brother's face.

'_Well duh. What was I expecting?_' Sam thought when he saw Dean's face. '_That maybe he would actually mean it? Yeah that'll happen.'_

"Asshole," Sam said

"Damn Sammy, lighten up. Relax, it was just a joke. Anyway, I'm gonna take a shower. I'll try to leave some hot water" Dean said

As Dean headed toward the restroom he began removing items of clothing. Sam diverted his eyes so he wouldn't be tempted to look or worse get caught. Once he heard the door close Sam looked up again. There was silence before he heard the shower begin to run. Sam closed his eyes and imagined Dean in the restroom, naked, water running over his tan muscular body. Dean's hands moving over his body, lathering as they went by, cleaning his beautiful skin. The water pouring down on him washing away the soap, and leaving a fine sheen of water reflecting the light. Just thinking about it made Sam blush a faint pink.

'_I better not even go there. If he catches me daydreaming he'll probably use it against me. Bastard_.' Sam thought with a smile on his lips.

Sam busied himself with some things to get his mind of his brother, but no matter what he did, his mind always came back to the same thing, Dean, wet, sexy, and naked. Sam shook his head and sat down again as Dean came out of the restroom. Sam looked up and immediately regretted it. Sam forced himself not to gasp at the sight. Dean came out of the restroom wearing only a beige towel. The towel hung loosely on his hips seeming as though any movement would cause it to fall. The muscles under Dean' skin shifted with every movement. His tan skin still shone lightly with water. Sam reminded his body to breathe as he stood. He made his way to the restroom as quickly as he was able to. Once inside the restroom he quickly locked the door. He sat down on the toilet in order to get his body under control.

'_Just breathe. Get yourself under control' _Sam thought his breathing so fast he seemed near hyperventilating '_If this keeps up I don't know how long I'm going to be able to control myself. Damnit. Why does it have to be like this? Why did I have to fall in love with my brother?'_

A knock at the door startled Sam from his thoughts.

"Hey, Sam, I think I left my razor in there. You mind handing it to me?"

Sam thought quickly to come up with an excuse to say no. Otherwise he wouldn't be responsible for his actions. He came up with the only thing he could think of.

"Sorry Dean. I'm already in the shower. I'll give it to you when I get out."

Sam quickly turned to turn the shower knobs.

"Alright Sammy. Anyway, hurry up. We gonna go get a bite to eat at the diner and then head to the bar. With any luck we can find out everything we need to know tonight at the bar, burn the bitch tonight, and be on our way the next day. Sound like a plan Sam?"

"Yeah Dean, that sounds good. I'll hurry up.", Sam said so he could think some more. "And it's Sam" he added as an afterthought.

"Whatever" Dean said backing away from the door.

Sam sat there for a moment before remembering why he was in the restroom. Sam turned the water as cold as he could. But even as he stepped into the ice cold spray his thoughts still turned to Dean.

'_God I wish I could talk to someone_. _I guess this is my role in life. I should just get used to it and get used to wallowing.'_

With this depressing thought set in his mind, Sam began to bathe himself, wishing things could be different.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of it's characters. It was made by the CW and the show would only be half as good if I created it.

A/N:I would like to thank everyone who read this and either reviewed or put it as a favorite or alert. Please read this and review with any comments or critisms you may have.

'_God, I'm so hungry' _Sam thought as they pulled into the driving lot of the diner Margaret had pointed out to them. The place was called Joe's. It looked like every other diner they had been to. Sam and Dean walked into the diner. The hostess greeted them, or rather Dean, with a rather flirtatious smile. Sam's smile faltered when he saw Dean return the hostess's smile with a cocky grin of his own. She was young; only about 22 or 23. She was scantily dressed in a mini-skirt and a spaghetti strap shirt which stopped about mid stomach on her. She had longish blonde hair just hanging and was wearing a fair amount of make up. When they had stopped in front of her she began to talk.

"Hello handsome," She said, ignoring Sam, "My name's Julie. I'm the hostess here. I'll also be your waitress. What's your name?"

"Hey, Julie, it's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Dean and this is my brother, Sam." Dean said pointing to Sam who simply nodded in response.

Julie barely even gave Sam a glance, annoying him further. It was clear Julie liked his brother, and Dean kept checking her out. A gnawing jealousy set deep in his stomach as he watched his brother flirt shamelessly with her. Sam looked out the window to distract himself, all thoughts of food gone from his mind.

'_Back off bitch'_ he thought in his head as she led them to a booth in the back of the diner. She seated them and handed them menus. With one last look at Dean she got up and said she would be back. As she left Sam thought of the number of ways to kill someone. A gun, a knife to the neck, and poison; these were just some of the ways he thought of. Sam shook his head. Why was he getting jealous? His brother deserved a chance to be happy. But no matter what Sam said to himself he couldn't get the jealousy to stop. Sam looked down at the menu to look for something to eat. His appetite had vanished, but it would seem odd if he didn't eat. He looked and saw a hamburger that came with fries and a soda. Sam decided to settle for that and put the menu down.

"I think she likes me", Dean stated, breaking the silence.

Sam looked disbelieving at his brother, "You think?"

"Fine, I know she likes me."

"Thanks for stating the obvious"

"Aw, is little Sammy jealous?"

'_You have no idea…' _Sam thought as he retorted "You wish. And for the last time, call me Sam."

"Whatever. I really don't want her. You can take her. That's why you're mad right? Well look at that here she comes"

"Hello boys," Julie said as she returned. "So what can I get you?"

"What do you recommend?" Dean asked with a tone in his voice he reserved only for women.

Julie came closer under the pretense to look at the menu. She leaned over, giving Dean a clear and extended view of her impressive cleavage. Sam gritted his teeth and gave a small sound of disgust which neither Julie nor Dean heard. Sam felt his stomach twist painfully in jealousy as he saw Dean taking all of Julie's advances. She stayed like that for a moment longer before pointing at something on the menu. He began to chew the inside of his cheek to avoid yelling something he would regret.

"That sound's great Julie. I guess I'll have that. Sam…?"

"Actually I'm not that hungry."

"Alright then, Dean," Julie said, taking both menus, "I'll go get your food." Giving Dean the once over quickly she made her way to the kitchens.

"Sam you ok?"

Sam laughed when he heard his brother ask him that.

'_No Dean, I'm not. I'm a freak in love with his brother. I just got jealous of a girl hitting on you and I lost my appetite. I haven't eaten all day, and yet one annoying girl's enough to piss me off. I'm sitting here wallowing in my misery and all I want to do is leave. Does that sound like ok to you?'_

"Sammy?"

Dean's voice startled Sam from his thought.

"Sam," Dean persisted, "you're kinda freaking me out."

"Yeah Dean, I'm fine, don't worry."

"You sure?"

The concern Sam heard in Dean's voice made him face his brother. Dean's face shone with concern, and Sam felt a delicious warm feeling in his stomach, replacing the jealousy.

"Yeah, Dean, I'm fine. Why?"

"You haven't eaten all day, and you keep acting odd. And just now, you didn't respond when I asked you if you were ok. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just don't feel like eating."

"Don't do this again."

Sam looked at his brother surprised.

"Don't do what again?"

"What you used to do after Jesse died."

Sam's face clouded at the mention of Jesse.

'_I wish she was here. She would know what to do.'_

"You used to always be lost in thought and you stopped eating. I know you two were close, but please don't do that again. It was hard to get you to stop. See, you're doing it again"

"Doing what?"

"Over thinking."

"Relax Dean, I'm just not hungry. I'm gonna go back to the motel and start doing some research. I think I'm gonna turn in early too."

"Want me to drop you off?"

"Nah, I got it. I'll just walk. We're not that far. I'll see you later, Dean"

"Yeah…" Dean said as if lost in thought.

Sam got up and took one last look at Dean. He seemed far away, as if in a trance. Sam walked out of the diner and began to make his way back to the motel. On his way, Sam began to think about Dean.

'_I made him worry? I didn't mean for him to notice. I guess I suck at acting. Dean's always been able to read me pretty well, so I guess it would be pointless to hide anything from him. I should just leave and try to take the demon on my own. Then at least Dean wouldn't get hurt. That's what I would do if I was a better person.'_

No matter how hard Sam thought about leaving though, something inside him hurt at the thought of ever leaving Dean again. Sam assumed it had something to do with the little hope he still held in his heart about Dean. Sam laughed at his foolhardy hope and came to a stop in front of the motel. He had been so deep in thought he hadn't even noticed how much he had walked. Sam walked inside and saw Margaret still at the front desk. Putting on a smile, he went to greet her.

"Hello Margaret."

Margaret, who had been focusing on a piece of paper, jumped a little at the greeting. Seeing it was Sam she smiled.

"You're Sam, right? You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry about that. I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's not your fault. I was just reading the newspaper. Seems some teenagers were found dead at a shack not far from here. Poor boys. They should have stayed away from that shack. Everyone knows about that curse."

Sam's eyes opened in surprise, but his mind was working fast.

'_She must know something about why we're here'_

"Curse…?"

"Oh Sam I forgot. You're new to the town. I shouldn't bore you with legends and fairytales."

"No, things like that interest me a lot. Actually, I used to study that in college. Tell me more about it."

"Alright, well, legend has it that a teenage girl was kidnapped not far from here."

Sam nodded urging her on.

"Well, apparently, the girl was taken to that shack by her kidnappers. Poor girl. No one deserves her fate. She had her whole life ahead of her. Her kidnappers were sick people. They took her up there so no one could hear her screams."

"Screams…?" Sam said, hoping what she said wouldn't be too horrible.

"Her kidnappers tortured her to death. For three days they did nothing, but make sure the girl was in agony. Eventually, her body just couldn't take it any more and she died. But that's not even the worst part."

"It's not?" Sam felt as if he would be sick to his stomach.

"No, it's not," Margaret continued, too wrapped up in her story to notice the blood draining from Sam's face, "After they killed the poor girl, they tore her to pieces. They tore her into more than 50 pieces. There was barely any of her so they could identify her. It was horrible."

"I'll bet."

"They say that her blood covered the walls of the shack and could never be removed. Every time anyone gets near that shack they meet the same fate of the girl. They say her spirit infused with the shack, full of hate. She kills anyone who gets near that shack in the same way she died. They get torn to pieces, their blood covering the walls. They say she's waiting for retribution. Only one thing's for sure," At this point Margaret's voice dropped to a whisper, "no one should ever go near that house."

Sam shivered unconsciously at the chilling tale.

'_At least I know what we're dealing with. Things can go much quicker from here. I'll tell Dean when he gets in'_

"Thanks for the story. I guess I'll turn in."

"OK, good night. By the way, where's Dean?"

"Oh, he went out to get some drinks. I don't really feel like going to a bar right now, so I just told him I was coming home."

"Oh al right, well good night."

"Good night"

Sam began to walk to the room, his head spinning with thoughts at what he learned from Margaret.

'_OK so she tears her victims to pieces for retribution. She was torn to pieces so we really can't find a corpse to salt and burn. Our best bet would just be to burn the place down, but with what Margaret told me, it won't be easy. She'll notice us the minute we get close to the shack. I guess I'll talk to Dean when he gets here. We can check out the house tomorrow and we'll come up with a plan. We always do.'_

Sam opened the door to their room and got in. He sat down on his bed and turned on the TV. A show about knives turned on. Sam began to flip through the channels, but all he could find were infomercials. He changed the channel back to the knives. To kill time before Dean got back, he got his father's notebook and tried to look for any cases like the one they were on. What could they do if there was no body to burn?

'_I could do this on my own. I don't want Dean helping me. He could get hurt, or worse killed. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to Dean. I could go now and save us the trouble of having to go'_

However, Sam knew Dean would be upset if he went without him, so he just forgot about the idea of going alone. Sam continued looking through his dad's book, but he couldn't find anything like what was going on, so he put the notebook away, and instead began to watch TV. He just watched the boring infomercial, until his eyes were drooping and watering with sleepiness. Sam yawned and laid back, his head on the pillow. He closed his eyes and began to fall asleep. He was almost asleep when he heard the door knob being jiggled. Sam's eyes shot open at once and he walked toward the door, his gun in hand. Since there was no peephole, Sam was unsure of who it was. Sam moved his hand slowly toward the door knob. Quickly, he turned it and pulled the door wide open. Someone was pulled forward with the door. They fell on top of Sam with a startled yelp. Both landed on the floor with a meaty thud, Sam on the bottom. Sam opened his eyes to see who it was. It was…Dean.

"Dean, what the hell!?"

Dean groaned in pain.

"Sorry man, you just startled me."

"It's alright, but damnit, lose some weight. You're heavy as hell.

"Screw you"

At this time, Sam noticed the position they were in. Dean's face was only a few inches from his own. Sam looked at those full lips that looked as soft as silk. For a moment Sam entertained the idea of kissing his brother. Just the thought of that made him blush slightly. Sam squirmed a little to try to get out from under his brother, but he was pinned. Sam averted his eyes from his brother's face to avoid any other ideas from popping into his head. He could feel Dean's body heat even through the clothing, and it made him shake slightly.

"Dean," Sam's voice came out hoarser than he had expected, "you mind getting off me?"

Dean furrowed his brow, as though unsure of what Sam meant, until he realized what position they were in.

"Yeah, Sam, Sorry about that." Dean said as he got off of Sam. "Need some help Sammy?"

"Nah I got it."

Sam got off of the ground and avoided looking at Dean so as not to arouse Dean's suspicion. Unfortunately Dean noticed right off the bat.

"Sam you alright? Your face is kinda flushed."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just couldn't breathe for a little while what with you on top of me"

Dean laughed, "Are you saying I'm fat?"

Sam's lips inadvertently smiled, "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"Ass"

"Deal with it, I'm your brother"

Both laughed at the comment and Sam felt better.

"So how was the bar? You learn anything useful?" Sam asked

Dean shook his head as he responded, "Nah, no one knew anything about any haunted house anywhere near here. I did meet some cute girl though. I think her name was Lisa."

At the mention of the girl, Sam clenched his teeth.

'_I'm jealous again? God this SUCKS! I wish I could just tell him, but he'd probably just be disgusted and leave. He would yell, call me a freak and walk out the door, forever. I never want to leave Dean, ever. I know I left, but I just…can't anymore.'_

"I talked to Margaret earlier. She knew about the house, or rather the shack."

"Oh yeah? Looks like your night was more useful than mine, although Lisa was pretty cute."

"What did you two do?" Sam asked dreading the answer. He didn't really want to hear, but something inside him just had to know.

"Well, I bought her a drink and… Wait why do you ask?"

"No reason." Sam answered back quickly.

"Aw, is Sammy jealous? Does he wish he could get some?"

'_Yeah, Dean, I'm jealous as hell, but you're way off on why I'm jealous. Not that I would ever tell you I was.'_

"Shut up. I just thought I'd ask. Bastard."

"Yeah right. Anyway, tell me about what we're supposed to be hunting."

Sam retold the legend Margaret had told him exactly like she had told it to him. When Sam had finished, Dean was frowning, deep in thought.

"Well Dean?" Sam asked hoping Dean would have some answers.

"Well what?" Dean said, slightly surprised by Sam.

"Well, how do we deal with this?"

"Since her corpse is in too many pieces to salt and burn, we'll just have to burn down the shack."

"I thought of that Dean, and it wouldn't work. Remember, she attacks anyone who gets near there, so we can't just go barging in with gasoline and matches"

"You got a better idea, Sammy? As far as I'm concerned if we burn the shack to the ground the girl's spirit will go away since its haunt vanished."

"I guess…" Sam was still not satisfied though.

"Anyway, we should get some rest. Let's get some sleep and then we'll see what we can do, alright?"

"Yeah, Dean, that sounds like a good idea."

At this point both brothers began to take off their clothes to get ready for bed. Sam tried his best to keep his eyes away from Dean's muscular body, but his eyes just kept coming back to his brother. Luckily for Sam, Dean didn't seem to notice.

"Good night Dean," Sam said once he was in his bed.

"Night Sammy," Dean replied

Sam closed his eyes, ready to go to sleep. Before sleep overcame him, Sam had one last thought.

'_Dean, I'll never leave. Never again, no matter what.'_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. The show wouldn't have been as good if I had made it, although Sam and Dean would be a couple.

A/N: I would like to thank everyone who has either reviewed or placed me on their favorites or alert list. Please read and leave any comments or critisms you think are nessesary. They are greatly appreciated.

_Sam smiled as he felt a curious hand making its way down his torso. The hand was moving slowly, sensually as it made its way down his body. First the hand stopped at each of his nipples, touching them gently, coaxing them into hard little nubs. Sam groaned a little at the contact. After finishing with his nipples, the hand continued down, gently touching and feeling every part of Sam's muscular torso. Stroking his broad chest before going a little lower. Outlining and touching each of his abs before moving to his belly button. The hand slowed there again, outlining the belly button before continuing its journey down. The hand teased Sam, seeming to make a journey back up his body before moving with one swift motion to Sam's shaft. Sam moaned loudly at the contact as the hand began to stroke him, gently at first. Sam felt himself become completely erect before the hand began to speed up, the thumb flicking the head of Sam's cock every few strokes. Sam groaned and began to buck into the hand, writhing as the hand sped up even more. Sam felt whoever was doing this to him move up to his ear. The person then began to whisper something to him_

"_Is this how you want it Sammy?"_

_The voice sounded familiar but Sam was too engrossed in what was going on to identify it._

"_God yes!" Sam groaned in bliss_

"_Open your eyes, Sammy," The voice commanded_

_Sam shivered even more as hot breaths of air tickled his ear, but he obeyed. Sam opened his eyes and saw who was touching him. The owner of the hand was…Dean. _

Sam jumped as he awoke, breathing heavily and sweating. Sam took in his surroundings. He was in the motel room. The sun was shining brightly through a window. Sam looked at the bed. The covers were disheveled and wrinkled as though he had been tossing and turning all night. Sam took a moment to compose himself, to slow his breathing and to cool down. After a minute, he looked around again, much calmer than he had the first time. He noticed Dean was not in the room, Dean's bed already made. Sam pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes as he thought about what had just happened.

'_That was a dream? I was dreaming about Dean?'_

Sam groaned as he confirmed that it was only a dream. Sam stood up and stretched a little before heading straight to the restroom. Sam noticed Dean's toothbrush was still by the sink. Nodding it off as his brother's laziness, Sam undressed as he turned on the water. At first he began to turn on the hot water, but as an after thought he turned off the hot water, leaving the spray of water cold as ice. Sam hissed as he stepped under the spray of ice water. He had always heard a cold shower worked right after a sexual dream. Hell, he'd tried it sometimes and it did work, but this time was different. No matter how cold the water was, it couldn't stop all the thoughts from running through his head.

'_That dream felt so real. It felt so good! And it was Dean who was touching me. I felt like fire was racing trough my body. But who am I kidding? That will never happen and I should just get used to that. But I felt so alive during that dream. It was… I just, I can't describe it.'_

Sam was too engrossed in his thoughts to hear the door to the apartment opening. Sam had just begun to shampoo his hair with the cheap motel brand when the bathroom door suddenly swung open. Sam yelled in surprise as a figure came in.

"Has anyone ever told you that you scream like a girl, Sam?" the person remarked

Sam recognized the voice in a heartbeat.

"Dean? Is that you?" Sam asked, his voice a little shaky from being surprised

"Who the hell else would it be?" Dean retorted

"I don't know. You scared the crap out of me."

"I could tell from the way you screamed"

"Anyway, so where did you go this morning? When did you leave?"

"I woke up about an hour ago. You were still sleeping. You kept groaning and moaning."

Sam blushed a little at the reminder of his dream.

"Anyway, so who were you dreaming about Sam?"

Sam's face became even more flushed when Dean said that.

"Wha-What?" Sam asked, his voice shaky.

"Come on Sam. You were moaning and groaning in your sleep. And right now, you're taking a cold shower. Don't give me that crap."

"Dean!"

"Aw, what did little Sammy dream about?"

"Dean, what the hell?!"

"Relax, Sammy, you don't have to tell me. Hurry up so you can eat."

Dean got up and left without a response from Sam.

Sam waited until the door closed before letting out a breath. It was getting harder and harder to hide his attraction from Dean. He had to be more careful. Sam quickly finished his shower and got out of the shower. He took about a minute or so to dry himself and put on some clothes. He put on a plain white t-shirt and his jeans. After taking a deep breath to calm himself, Sam walked out of the restroom. He saw Dean, sitting at the table, with some food and coffee. When Dean noticed Sam had gotten out of the shower, he looked up and smiled at Sam.

"Come on, Sam. We need to figure out how to deal with the shack."

Sam nodded and took the seat opposite to Deans. He took out a breakfast sandwich as Dean passed him a cup of coffee.

"Thanks Dean."

"Yeah, no problem. Now on to business. When do we hit the shack?"

Sam took a bite of his sandwich before answering Dean.

"I say we do it today. I guess we should do it at night. Less chance of getting caught."

"Yeah, that sounds good. I asked Margaret where it was when I went to get some breakfast. She gave me directions, although she warned me to stay away."

Sam laughed a little before saying, "Since when do you listen to anyone's advice?"

"That's exactly what I thought. Anyway, Sammy, so I think we should just burn the shack down."

Sam finished his sandwich and took a sip of his coffee before shaking his head to indicate no.

"Dean, that won't work. We can't just burn the shack down. One or both of us could die if we try that."

"Oh, so were you able to think of some brilliant plan during your little wet dream?"

"Dean…" Sam warned, even as his face became slightly pink.

"Alright, alright, I get it. Anyway, so you got any better ideas?"

"No, but…"

"Then it's settled."

"Fine."

"So one of us needs to distract her while the other burns the place down."

"Who's gonna do what?"

Dean seemed to think for a moment before answering.

"I'll distract the bitch and you can set the place on fire."

"Dean, I think I should distract her."

'_I don't want to see you hurt' _Sam thought, hoping Dean would just give in.

"You think too much"

"Maybe, but…"

"Let it go, Sammy. I'm less likely to get hurt than you are. You're still a little out of practice from being at college."

"Yeah, but…"

"No, buts. I'll distract her while you burn the place down."

"Alright then, but when I have to go save your ass, don't be complaining."

"You wish. Anyway, so the girl in your dream, how was she?"

"Dean, let it go."

"Come on; give me something to work with. Was she blond, or brunette?"

"I'm not telling you anything."

'_Most importantly, it wasn't even a girl. It was you, not like I would ever tell you.' _Sam thought as he finished his coffee.

"Alright, I'll stop embarrassing you. Anyway, so let's wait until tonight and then we'll take care of this. Sound like a plan?"

"Yeah, that sounds good." Sam said, although he was not pleased with the plan.

'_Something's going to go wrong,'_ Sam thought as they finished breakfast. _'I can feel it.'_

* * *

Sam looked around as he got out of the car. The shack was farther from the town than he had thought. They were in a forested area. Sam could hear crickets chirping in the distance and the sound of other animals scurrying. Sam looked at Dean. Dean met his eyes and nodded. Dean passed Sam the keys to the Impala so Sam could open the trunk. Sam got out the tank of gasoline and the matches. Sam nodded to Dean, signaling that he was ready. Dean got out his pistol and began to make his way toward the shack. Sam grabbed the gasoline, and began to make his way closer to the shack, although staying in the shadows. A chill in the air made Sam shiver as he waited for Dean to get closer. Dean took a few more steps and then a large flash of light like a flare lit up the area, causing both Sam and Dean to shield their eyes. In an instant the flash was gone, and in its place stood a girl. Her skin was pale, almost see through. It was an unhealthy shade of blue. Her hair was a black, tangled mess and she herself was thin and bony. Her eyes were odd. It seemed as though she wasn't looking at Dean, but through him. She smiled at Dean, but neither brother was fooled. Dean raised his gun a fraction and took a few tentative steps back. The girl took one step forward before opening her mouth to speak.

"Leave now!" She said, her voice loud and violent, echoing throughout the forest. Dean took another step back.

"Sorry, but I not planning on it."

"This is your final warning. LEAVE!"

Dean did not reply.

"So be it!" the girl exclaimed before charging at Dean. Sam was about to cry out, but shut himself up in time.

'_Shut up moron! If you want to help Dean, then focus on burning down the house.'_

Dean began to shoot as he continued moving backwards, but each shot had no effect on the girl as she continued to charge. Out of nowhere the girl pulled out a large club. Dean's eyes widened before dropping the gun and turning to run away in an attempt to distract the girl. The girl followed him and Sam took the opportunity. Running from the shadows, Sam reached the house and quickly ran inside. Sam took no heed of his surroundings as he began to drop gasoline everywhere. As he was dropping the gasoline thoughts raced through his head.

'_Come on hurry up. If I don't hurry, who knows what's going to happen to Dean. Come on, move! I hope he's ok. If she hurts him, it'll be my entire fault. I can't let that happen!'_

Sam had finally finished with the gasoline as he stepped to the door. Sam turned around and quickly lit a match. Sam threw it in and ran outside, knowing the gas would catch on fire quickly. Sam turned, once he was outside, to watch the house burn down. Behind him he heard a blood curdling shriek. Sam relaxed slightly. The spirit was gone. Sam turned, half expecting to see Dean walking back to the clearing, but when he turned around no one was there. Sam's eyebrows furrowed as he called out to his brother.

"Dean?"

There was no response.

"Dean, are you alright?" Sam asked a little louder, trying to control his panic.

Again, there was no sound other than the crickets.

"Dean!" Sam yelled, unable to stand being calm any longer.

When there was no response, Sam took off running. As Sam ran, he continued to yell his brother's name, but there was no response. Thoughts raced through Sam's head as he nearly panicked.

_'Dean, come on, this is no time for a joke, where are you? Come on, please be ok. Dean, you have to be ok.'_

Sam stopped when he heard a loud groan from under a bush. Sam raced to the bush and saw a hand on the ground under it. Sam pulled his brother out, as Dean continued to moan.

"Dean, are you ok?" Sam asked after he had gotten his brother out.

Dean moaned as a response.

"Dean, are you awake?"

Dean did not respond.

'_Damn it, he's unconscious. Come on Dean, you'll be ok. You have to be. I love you. You can't die, you just can't.'_ Sam thought as he picked his brother up and ran to the car.

Once Sam got to the car, Sam laid his brother in the backseat so he could see the extent of the damage. Blood ran down Dean's face from a wound on his head. Sam checked out the rest of his brother and saw he was ok other than some bruising on his torso. Sam quickly applied pressure to Dean's head to stop the bleeding so he could bandage it up. After the blood flow stopped, as it was not as much as Sam had originally thought, Sam wrapped some bandaging around Dean's head. After finishing up with that, Sam wrapped some bandaging around Dean's torso because of the bruises he had seen earlier. After finishing, Sam pressed his thumbs to the corners of his eyes to prevent the tears that he felt stinging the backs of his eyes. One hot tear made a trail down his face, but Sam quicklywiped it away.

'_No. I'm not going to cry. Not until I know Dean's gonna be alright'_

Sam got into the driver's seat of the Impala thinking, _'Dean, you'll be ok. I promise.'_

Sam turned the car on and began to drive to the motel quickly.

* * *

"Hello Sam. How was… Oh my god! What happened to Dean?" Margaret asked looking worried.

Sam tried to come up with a reasonable excuse as he entered the motel.

"He um… got into a fight at the bar. By the time I got there the jerks had already left."

"Oh that's horrible. Do you need help, Sam?"

"No, I got it, thanks Margaret.

"Well, alright, but if you need help, don't hesitate to call me."

"Thank you Margaret." Sam said as he left the area to make the way to his room.

Sam made the way to their room as quickly as he could. Once he was there, Sam gently placed Dean under his covers. After tucking Dean in Sam sat down in an armchair. Putting his hand over his face, Sam finally let out the tears that had been threatening to fall. Sam began to sob like a child, hugging his knees to his chest. Sam couldn't bear to lose Dean. Dean was his rock. The only stable thing in a world of shadows. The one person Sam could count on when things got difficult. A safe place, were Sam didn't have to be afraid of the things that went bump in the night. If he lost that, Sam didn't know how long he could last before he just wouldn't be able to function anymore..

'_Dean, please be ok'_ Sam wished as he lost control.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I do not own any of the characters of Supernatural. I am only using them for the purpose of making my writing better. Besides, if I did own them they would be doing this on the show, instead of leaving us to our imaginations.

A/N: I want to give a big thank you to everyone who reviewed. It helped me write this chapter. I especially want to thank Kitten Koneko for their review. I tried to fix all the errors they pointed out to me. Please read and review with any comments or critisms you may have. Also, a big thank you to everyone who has either put this on their favorites or alert list or had put me on their favorites or alert list. It makes me feel appreciated so a big thank you again.

Summary: Sam and Dean went to another small town to deal with what seemed like just another haunting. Once there, they learned of the spirits nature through Margaret, the owner of the motel where they were staying. At night Sam and Dean entered the forest. Sam burned the shack and Dean distracted the spirit. However during the burning, Dean was injured and fell unconcious.

* * *

Chapter 4

Sam looked at Dean as he slept in the bed. It had been two days since he had brought Dean back from the forest. Sam had been restless ever since he had laid Dean in the bed. As he watched Dean sleep fitfully the first night, Sam swore to be at Dean's bedside until he awoke. It was currently mid day, almost evening. Margaret checked on Dean when she could and Sam appreciated it. She brought them food and coffee every time she came by and she asked Sam about Dean every time she saw him. Sam hadn't slept at all, but he refused to fall asleep until he knew Dean was going to be ok. He continuously checked the bruises and the head wound every few hours. The bruises weren't as bad as he had originally thought and they were fading fast. The head wound Dean had stopped bleeding, so Sam removed the bandages, but even with his limited knowledge, he knew that even a light head injury can be fatal. In an attempt to distract himself, Sam got on his laptop and looked up information on head injuries. It turns out that the first 72 hours are the most vital. If Dean showed no signs of waking up, then Sam would have to take Dean to the hospital. He had been sitting in the same armchair for hours now, and Sam's back was starting to hurt, so he stood up and stretched, wincing at the pain in his back. Ignoring the pain, Sam took one last sad look at Dean before standing up to get some water from the tap. As he made his way to the tap, Sam thought back on what was going on.

'_I thought it was all going to be ok. I didn't think Dean would be out this long. Why didn't I just take him to the damn hospital at the beginning?! God, I am such a damn fool. They could've take better care of him at the hospital. If I had taken him, Dean might have been mad, but at least he would've been ok. He would be smiling and giving me shit by now.'_

Even though Sam was near tears, Sam's lips curved unintentionally as he thought of his brothers antics. Sam took the glass with him as he went back to sit down in the chair again. He put the glass down, without taking so much as a sip and began to reminisce about Dean's pranks.

'_There was that time he put the itching powder on my jeans when we were in high school. I think that was the time Dad had yelled at me for not keeping myself safe. We ended up in a prank war like the ones we had when we were little. The there was that time he fixed all the bottles of coke in the fridge to spill all over me every time I tried to drink some. I remember Dad was so pissed at him, but no matter what, Dean wouldn't take that ridiculous smirk off his face. I think that was the time I almost got Dean hurt because I forgot the salt and Dad lectured me for hours that I was careless. Ever time I seem to be down, Dean would always find a way to get a smile back on my face. I remember the glint he always used to get in his eyes and that stupid smile he would get.'_

Sam was so lost in memory, thinking about Dean's eyes, full of mischief and merriment, that he failed to notice a pair of eyes slowly opening. The eyes fell upon Sam and they watched him as Sam's eyes showed him deep in thought.

"Has anyone ever told you, you're kinda cute when you're thinking?"

Sam jumped a little at the sound of the voice, coming out of his reverie. Sam looked at Dean's bed. There was Dean, smiling the same smile he had just been thinking about, his eyes just as full of merriment as he remembered.

"Dean? Dean, you're awake? Yes, you are. You're awake! You're awake!!" Sam cried as he ran over to the bed and gave Dean a big hug.

"Dean, do you have any idea how worried you made me? I was so scared. I thought I'd lost you. I don't know what I would do without you." Sam whispered as he nuzzled Dean's hair, too happy Dean was awake to care about the repercussions of his actions. A few tears began to flow down his eyes, but Sam could have cared less. That his brother was ok was all that mattered. Sam sat there, and breathed in his brother's scent, as a reminder that he was still alive. After a long moment, he untangled himself from Dean, to find Dean… blushing?

'_Dean's blushing? He never blushes. I've seen him do way worse with a straight face, and he's blushing over a hug?' _Sam shook his head to clear his mind of thoughts. He was too happy Dean was ok to care about him blushing. It was probably just because he just woke up. However, what Dean had just said caught in Sam's mind and he just had to ask.

"I'm cute when I'm thinking, Dean? What do you mean?" Sam asked, with a wicked grin, waiting for Dean's response so he could tease him. Although Sam had to admit, if Dean thought he was cute, he wouldn't be complaining.

To Sam's surprise, however, Dean just turned a brighter shade of red and averted his eyes as he mumbled a response.

"Sorry about that. I guess that was kind of inappropriate of me. I don't even know your name, although if it's the whole 'two guys together' thing that freaks you out, I'm sorry."

Sam's eyebrows furrowed as he heard Dean's response.

"What do you mean you don't know my name?" Sam asked afraid of the response.

Dean looked at Sam as though he were dealing with a dimwit.

"Like I said I don't know your name. I guess you must know me from somewhere, but I'm drawing a blank when it comes to your face."

Sam's eyes widened as he came to understand what happened.

'_Dean lost his memory! No, this can't be happening. He just woke up, and now he doesn't remember anything. No, please just let this be a sick joke. No, no!'_

Realizing he had to figure out how much Dean remembered Sam began to ask questions.

"Do you know your name?"

Dean thought for a moment before responding.

"It's Dean, right?"

"Yeah," Sam responded relieved that Dean knew at least that much, but he had other questions.

"Dean, do you know where you are?"

Dean looked around for a moment before responding.

"Um… a motel room?"

"Yeah, but I mean like in the United States."

"Sorry, man, but I'm drawing a blank on everything. The only thing I can remember is my name. I don't know where I am or who you are. I don't know what I'm doing here or what's going on, but I'm thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?"

Sam nodded and then reached for the cup of water he had grabbed earlier and handed it to Dean.

"Thanks." Dean said as he drank the glass.

"Yeah, no problem…" Sam said, thinking about what his next move would be.

'_What now? I can't just tell him we hunt demons. To a person who thinks those aren't real, I'll sound like I'm crazy. What am I supposed to say? Yeah so we hunt demons. We kill things normal people have never even heard of. I'll sound like a nut, and he might just run away, but I can't just lie. If I lie, once the truth gets revealed then the drama will be harder to deal with. I guess I have to tell him the truth.'_

"So, you wanna fill me in on what's going on? I'm kinda drawing a blank on this." Dean asked, knocking Sam out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, sure I can bring you up to speed. So here goes," Sam began, wishing he didn't have to say the words that would make him seem crazy, "Ok, so my name's Sam. You and I travel together."

"Ok, but what do we do?"

'_Ok, here goes.'_ Sam thought, hoping Dean wouldn't run.

"We hunt demons."

"Ok" Dean replied after a moment, seemingly unperturbed

"Ok? You believe me? That's all you have to say? You're not freaking out? I would be if someone told me that they hunt demons out of the blue."

"I have to believe you. I can't remember anything. The way I see it one of two things is going on here. Either you are crazy or you're telling the truth. I don't think you're crazy. You seem sane and if you would lie to me I think you would come up with a better lie. So I think you're telling the truth. Besides, my gut is telling me I can trust you."

Sam smiled and bit back a laugh of merriment. Dean wouldn't run! He didn't think Sam was crazy. That was one less problem for him to deal with.

"How do we know each other?" Dean asked out of the blue

"We're friends" Sam blurted out, without thinking.

"Oh, just friends?" Dean said, sounding a little disappointed.

'_Friends? Where did that come from? Why didn't I tell him we we're brothers? This is a new Dean; he needs to know everything so that we can get his memory back.' _Sam thought

'_But I might have a chance with this Dean.' _A small voice in the back of Sam's mind said

Hope began to blossom in Sam's chest as he thought about it, but he quickly pushed it down.

'_I can't take advantage of my brother while he's not himself. I just can't do that. He's always protected me. How could I do something so horrible to him? Right now he's hurt and he doesn't know what's going on. At least until he gets his memory back, I'll protect him.'_

"Hello, Sam?"

"Yeah, Dean?" Sam said dragging himself away from his thoughts.

"So, we're just friends? Nothing more?"

Sam hesitated for a moment before answering, "Yeah, Dean. We're just friends."

Sam couldn't help himself. The comment Dean made when he woke up was still fresh in his mind, and when he thought that he could finally get his chance with Dean, hope blossomed deep in his body. He couldn't go back to the torment of Dean unaware Sam was in love with him. However, he promised himself he would let Dean make all the calls. He wouldn't take advantage of his brother while he was defenseless. He would let Dean decide what he wants on his own. The comment Dean had said could just be a part of the old him, resurfacing. It was just like Dean to make Sam uncomfortable. Besides, Dean might just remember on his own and then everything wouldn't matter anyway.

"Actually, Dean," Sam said as an after thought, "you're my best friend. You're the only person in the world I can trust and count on and I care a lot about you."

"Really?" Said Dean, blushing slightly again. Sam pretended to ignore it as he went on.

"Yeah, I can't count on anyone else. You're the only thing that makes hunting bearable. I don't know what would have happened if I had lost you. Ever since we were little you've always been there to help and protect me. Now it's my turn. I'll protect you until you remember everything."

"If I remember everything." Dean said

"Don't worry. Even if you don't, I'm here to help you fill in the blanks."

"Thanks, Sam. It's nice to know someone's got my back." Dena said with a smile.

"Don't mention it. Do you remember any of what happened during the attack?"

"No, and I was actually going to ask you about that. Do you mind telling me?"

"No not at all." Sam began to tell Dean what had happened since they had entered town. He talked about the drive here, getting the motel, although he excluded the brother part, he talked about planning what they would do, and finally he told Dean about what had happened in the forest and how he got hurt. Sam kept talking and talking, but he kept watching Dean for any reaction. By the time Sam had finished Dean's eyes were opened wide.

"Really? We do things like that?" Dean asked his voice full of curiosity.

"Yeah, we hunt stuff like that all the time. Here, maybe if I tell you some of what we do, then maybe it'll trigger something like a memory."

"Yeah, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Sure, Sam, tell me what we've been doing for awhile now."

Sam began to talk about everything that had happened since they began traveling together. However, he talked only about the hunts and avoided anything that would show any relationship between Dean and himself. He talked about every hunt they had been on. He talked about the Wendigo, the boy in the lake, the attack on the plane, the killer bugs, but he didn't mention what happened at the asylum with the mad Doctor. He didn't think Dean would react well to that. After talking about the hunting, Sam talked about their childhood. He told Dean everything he could remember from when they were children. He talked about how Dean had always protected him and made him feel safe. He talked about leaving for college, although he said the reason for leaving was that he wanted a normal life. Again, he avoided anything that would tie them as brothers, which was more difficult as he talked about their father. After finishing his narration, hours had passed. Dean had woken up around when the sun was beginning to set, but it was now night time. Sam looked at Dean, curious as to what his reaction would be. He understood that this was a lot to take in, but Sam was worried Dean might think he was crazy. Dean just sat there in silence. After a few minutes Sam began to worry. He had to know what was going on in Dean's head.

"Dean, are you alright?"

"I don't know…" Dean responded still seemingly deep in thought.

"What do you mean you don't know? Are you alright? Are you remembering something or do you think I'm crazy?" Sam waited for the response, half fearful Dean remembered, half hopeful Dean didn't think he was crazy. After a moment Dean responded.

"No, it's not that. I don't think you're crazy. I think I can trust you so I believe you. It's just that I don't think I'm ok."

"What's wrong?" Sam asked, his voice soft.

"Nothing, it's just that I don't remember." Dean said his voice a pitch higher than it usually was.

Sam then noticed Dean was beginning to shake and his worry increased. Getting on the bed beside Dean he placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and rubbed it lightly in a way he hoped was comforting.

"Hey, why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Dean turned his face away from Sam before answering, "No, it's just that I don't remember." Dean's voice came out high pitched and broken. Dean's shoulders began to shudder a little more violently and Sam grew more worried. He had never seen his brother so vulnerable before. Pushing his back on the head board, Sam sat and brought Dean in and hugged him to his chest. Dean offered no resistance and he got comfortable against Sam. Dean kept going as Sam hugged him.

"I don't remember and that scares me. It's so terrifying to think I forgot my entire life. How could I not remember doing any of that? I mean how could I forget? How? I… if it's so easy to forget something as unbelievable as that what else could I forget?" Dean began to cry and sob in earnest now and Sam clutched him closer as the tears fell from Dean's eyes.

"Shhh," Sam soothed as he began to wipe away the tears, "It's ok. I know it's scary. It'll be ok, don't worry. I'm here, I'll protect you. I promise." Sam brought a hand up to Dean's face and wiped away some of the tears. Dean continued to tremble and Sam felt him clutch him closer.

"Thanks, Sam…" Dean managed to say in between his sobs.

"It's ok. It's gonna be ok. It's alright, just cry it out" Sam said as he began to rock Dean in his arms.

Dean did not respond, but continued sobbing. Sam continued to whisper soothing words to Dean in the hope that it would comfort him. It hurt him to hear and see Dean acting so vulnerable. All Sam wanted to do was make Dean smile again, and to make him feel better. After a few moments Dean did stop crying. He refused to meet Sam's eye as he spoke.

"Thanks, I don't know what came over me, but thank you."

Sam could tell Dean was embarrassed about the fact that he had just cried in front of him.

'_Maybe he thinks that I think he's a weakling.'_

"It's ok, Dean. I know it must be hard not to remember anything. Don't worry about crying. It's ok. You don't have to be embarrassed by anything with me, ok?"

Dean still refused to meet Sam's eye, so he cupped Dean's chin and forced him to look at him.

"It's ok," Sam continued once he had Dean's attention, "I know how hard this must be. Take your time. Don't be afraid to open up to me. I won't judge you or think any differently of you. You can tell me anything, ok?"

"Yeah," Dean said with a smile. When Sam saw that smile he couldn't help smiling back.

"There's the smile I remember." Sam said as wiped away the trails that the tears had left behind with his thumb. Sam was glad he was able to get a smile back on Dean's face and that Dean understood he didn't have to be so guarded around him. Dean laid against him again. He heard Dean's breathing begin to even out and so he sat there, content and thinking Dean had fallen asleep. However he was corrected as Dean spoke.

"Warm…" Dean replied with a content look on his face.

"What?" Sam asked genuinely curious as to what Dean meant.

"Right now, I'm warm. Or rather you are." Dean, said, a faint blush sneaking into his cheeks.

"I'm warm?" Sam asked pretending to ignore Dean's blushing.

"Yeah you are. It makes me feel safe, like I'm being protected."

"Really? Then I'm glad."

They sat there for a few moments, but Sam could tell something was on Dean's mind. He waited hoping Dean would tell him on his own. His patience was rewarded a minute later.

"Hey, Sam, can I ask you for a favor?" Dean said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, of course you can."

"Can… can I call you Sammy? Just sometimes?" Dean looked away again as another blush set in his cheeks, this one more noticeable than before.

Sam was honestly surprised by the question. While normally Sam hated it when Dean called him that, there were other times it made him feel better, like he was safe and secure. He didn't feel like he could refuse Dean anything right now. He would bend over backwards just to see Dean smile again. But before Sam could respond Dean went on.

"Sorry, it's alright. I can just call you Sam. I don't know why I asked. It's stupid…"

"No, it's ok" Sam soothed, unhappy Dean thought his silence meant no, "It's just that you surprised me with that question. Why do you want to call me Sammy?" Sam asked, curious to find out why Dean would always call him that.

"No reason. Never mind, it was a stupid idea." Dean said shaking his head.

"No, it's not. Just tell me why. I'm curious."

"I guess because it makes me feel better. I don't know why. Sammy just feels more familiar and it just makes me happy to call you that. Even if I can't remember anything I know I can trust you and when you said your name was Sam, my mind automatically came up with Sammy."

"Then you can call me Sammy."

"Really?" Dean said, looking up surprised

"Yeah, if it makes you feel better you can call me Sammy"

"Alright, thanks…Sammy" Dean replied with a smile on his face.

"Yeah, no problem…" Said Sam with a yawn.

Sam looked out the window. It was dark outside now, and he hadn't had any sleep in two days. They sat there, content, Dean on Sam's chest for a while. Sam closed his eyes. He thought that, maybe, just maybe, everything would be ok. He had almost fallen asleep when Dean spoke again.

"It's late…" Dean said, yawning

"Yeah it is. We should probably get to bed." However, Sam made no move to get to his bed, content where he was, even if he was a little uncomfortable.

"Hey, Sammy. Do you think you could stay here for tonight?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm staying." Sam was confused as to what Dean meant.

"That's not what I meant. I mean, can you stay here, in this bed? With me? Just for tonight?" Dean blushed again and this time it made Sam smile

"Yeah, sure Dean. I'm too tired to move anyway. Here, let's get comfortable."

Sam and Dean didn't speak for a few moments as they tried to get in a position they were both comfortable in. They managed to find the right position, with Dean slightly on top of Sam like they had been. Dean's face was blushing as he nuzzled closer to Sam. They nuzzled together and began to fall asleep, at peace with the world. Before they went to sleep, Dean spoke softly.

"Good night, Sammy"

"G'night Dean" Sam said, nuzzling Dean closer, his hand laid over Dean in a protective gesture, even though he was almost asleep.

No words were spoken after that. They laid there, peacefully, until sleep overtook the both of them.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I do not own any of the characters of Supernatural. I am only using them for the purpose of making my writing better. Besides, if I did own them they would be doing this on the show, instead of leaving us to our imaginations.

A/N: Again I would like to thank everyone who reviewed. This chapter is a little longer than the rest. It was also the hardest for me to write, although I'm not sure why. Anyway I hope you enjoy and please review with any comments or critisms you may have.

Summary: During their hunt, Dean was hit on the head and fell unconscious. Sam brought Dean back to their motel room and cared for him until he woke up. However, when Dean woke up he had amnesia and remembered mothing, but his name. Sam tried to help Dean recall something, but when Dean asked Sam how they knew each other, Sam said they were just friends in the hope that Dean might give him a chance for them to be together.

* * *

Chapter 5

Sam woke up to sunlight hitting him in the face. He lazily brought up a hand up to his eyes to block the sunlight. All he wanted to do was sleep one more minute, one more hour. After not sleeping for two days he knew he would be exhausted for a while. Sam groaned at the idea of getting up. All he wanted to do was lay here in the warmth of the bed. Sam opened his eyes and smiled at the sight that greeted him. There lay Dean, sleeping peacefully. Dean looked so innocent like this, almost as if what they did had never affected him. Sam watched his brother for another moment, thinking about what he was seeing.

'_He's so…beautiful, like an angel. He looks so peaceful too, like a child.'_

At these thoughts, Sam felt a surge of protectiveness and possessiveness course through his entire being with such incredible force he shivered. All he could think about was protecting Dean, making sure he would never get hurt again, but thinking about Dean as an angel and as a child made Sam want to laugh, but he stopped himself as he didn't want to wake up his brother. He slowly disentangled himself from his brother and slowly got out of bed so as not to disturb Dean. After a few impatient moments, Sam was finally able to get off the bed. After standing up straight, he began to stretch his back slowly, so as not to pop it and disturb Dean. After his stretching was complete, Sam made his way to the door. He looked at himself. He hadn't changed last night when he went to bed, so he was still dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. As much as he wanted to stay another minute just to watch Dean, he knew that they would both be hungry soon, so Sam grabbed the car keys and his wallet from the table and then opened the door. However before leaving, Sam looked back at Dean to see him just one more time. Dean was moving, slowly, inching toward the warm spot Sam had left behind. The simplicity of it almost made Sam cry. It felt like everything would be alright. As Sam made his way down to the Impala, his mind began to fill with thoughts.

'_Is it weird that I like this role? Dean's always protected me, and for that I can never repay him, but is it weird that I like this? That I like being his protector? When I woke up this morning, all I wanted to do was keep him safe, take him and leave, to get away from this life. I don't want to see him hut ever again, but I know Dean will never go for it. As long as he's vulnerable I'll protect him, no mater what.'_

Sam knew that hiding the fact that they were brothers would be hard. Hell, after a while it would be impossible, what with their dad and the people who knew them, but for now Sam pushed them out of his mind. For now, he knew it would be best just to enjoy the moment and take each day as it passed. He knew this was not the smartest plan. He knew that it might, no it would blow up in his face, but for some reason Sam felt like everything would be fine. On his way out of the motel, a voice knocked him out of his reverie.

"Hey, Sam. How's Dean doing?"

Sam turned to the voice, to find himself facing Margaret.

"Hey, Margaret. Dean's doing a lot better. He finally woke up yesterday."

"That's great news. So where is he right now?"

"He's sleeping right now. I was going to get some breakfast so he could eat as soon as he woke up."

"Oh that's right, I almost forgot. I made the both of you some food earlier. I had a feeling everything would be alright by now."

"That's great Margaret. Thank you so much for everything you've done for us for the past few days. I really appreciate it."

"Oh it was no problem. Here, I left it by the counter."

"Alright, thank you Margaret."

As they headed back to the counter Sam and Margaret continued talking.

"You know Sam, Dean's a lucky man to have a brother like you?"

"Is he?" Sam said, but his mind was racing

'_I forgot! Margaret knows we're brothers. Shit, what now?'_

"Yeah, he is. Few people care so much about their family like you do. You can see it in your eyes. You should have seen how you looked when you came back. You looked so sad. My heart felt for you. That's why I helped out as much as I did. And now everything's ok."

"Really?" Sam was surprised that his emotions were so easily readable. He only hoped Margaret couldn't see what else he thought about his brother. "But not everything is ok, Margaret."

"Really? What happened?"

"He…he lost his memory."

"Oh, Sam… That's horrible."

"He didn't even know who I was yesterday."

"Oh, my. And I guess y'all talked about everything." Margaret and a glint in her eyes that Sam couldn't recognize. It made him uncomfortable, like a mouse being watched by a hawk.

"I told him…some things yesterday. I told him everything he could take."

"You're lying."

Sam looked at Margaret in surprise. Recovering as quickly as he could he tried to fumble for a response.

"What do you mean?" Sam hoped the look he was giving Margaret was one of innocence, but he realized Margaret wasn't buying it.

"Sam, don't even try it. I raised three kids. They used to try to hide things from me on an almost daily basis until they moved out, and you're a horrible actor. You wear your heart on your sleeve, so it's easy to tell what's going on in your head. Look," Sam saw her eyes change to look softer, "I know this seems like an opportunity, but be careful."

Sam's heart froze at those words

"Opportunity? What do you mean? Like I want to make myself look better?" Sam said, hoping this was what Margaret was referring to and not what he was afraid people would find out about.

"I think you know exactly what I mean. Ever since you began to stay here I wondered what you thought of your brother. That first day, I saw something when Dean pretended to be your lover. The embarrassment was evident from your blush, but something else was lurking in your eyes. I ignored it at the time, just labeling it as my own imagination, but then I saw you bringing your brother in from the attack. When I looked into your eyes I saw so much, but one thing was made clear to me. You love your brother"

Margaret's narrative made Sam's blood run cold, but he tried to make it seem like it didn't.

"Of course I love my brother…" but Margaret cut him off.

"I think we both know that what you feel for your brother is a lot more than just brotherly, so cut the crap."

Sam gave up the act, but something wasn't clicking.

"Wait, you knew all this time? Aren't you freaked out by this? Don't you find this disturbing?"

Margaret smiled with her eyes full of understanding.

"What I think doesn't matter. What anyone in this town or the next doesn't matter. The only people who matter are you and Dean. When you find love, hold on to it because it is precious. Once it's gone it may never come back."

Sam looked at Margaret in surprise. He never knew that he would find someone as wise as her in such a place.

"Margaret, I don't know what to say. Thank you. I understand what you mean. I know you're right" Sam promised.

"Good, I'm glad I managed to talk some sense into you. Now here's the food," she said, handing him a bag and a cup holder full of coffee and orange juice. "And," she added, "I won't be here for the next few days."

Sam didn't mean to pry, but he was curious.

"Why? Where are you going Margaret?"

Margaret smiled wide again.

"My son's getting married. After three years of romance he's getting married. I'm going to be away during his wedding and reception and all that. Here Sam," she said, handing him a piece of paper, "This is my cell phone number. If you ever need to talk to someone, just call me."

"Ok, Margaret, thanks again. And give your son my regards."

"Goodbye Sam. Tell Dean I said hi." she said as she watched him leave.

"I will. Goodbye Margaret." Sam replied as he headed back to the room.

'_Wow,'_ Sam thought as he headed back, _'I am a crappy actor. I can't even fool someone I met a few days ago. It's a miracle I managed to keep my attraction to Dean a secret for this long. Damn I suck.'_

However, Sam's face was smiling. He was happy, despite the fact that that he had just had an uncomfortable conversation. As sad as it made Sam, he knew Margaret was right and that he would have to tell Dean, and soon. He stopped for a moment in front of his door. He had been unaware of how close he was to their room. Taking a moment to collect himself and to calm his nerves, Sam opened the door. When he walked in Dean was still asleep, albeit in a different position. Sam did not pay as much attention to Dean as he had when he woke up. Sam set down all of the items he had with him and stuck the paper Margaret had given him in his wallet. He might need it someday. Sitting down himself, Sam began to fall deep into thought as to what to do next.

'_I know I have to tell him, but I'm afraid. What if he hates me because I didn't tell him yesterday? I think he likes me, and I don't mean in a brotherly way. If all the blushing yesterday had anything to say about it then yeah, he likes me a lot. It's sad to say this, but he needs to know…everything. He has to know everything no matter what. I know he likes me now, but when he finds out I lied will he be mad? Or will he just sad because nothing can ever happen? Anyway, I won't know until he wakes up.'_

Sam was so deep in thought that he didn't hear Dean moaning

"Sammy, you wouldn't…" Dean groaned

"Please, no, stop…" Dean continued

"No!" Dean yelled knocking Sam out of his thoughts as he began thrashing.

When Sam heard Dean begin to yell he immediately ran to the bed and sat next to Dean.

"No! Sam, I'm sorry! Please don't!"

Sam began to get worried about what was going on. Sam held Dean down to stop him from hurting himself and began to shake him. In an attempt to wake him up.

"Dean. Dean!" Sam tried to get his brother to wake up.

"Sam…" Dean whispered, even thought he continued to thrash.

"Dean!!" Sam yelled to try to get Dean to wake up. The final shout caused Dean to jump up, screaming. On his way up he caused Sam to lose his balance, but Sam quickly caught himself. Sam sat down on the bed and put his hands on Dean's shoulders, in an attempt to calm him down. Dean looked around wildly and breathing heavily for a moment before his eyes focused on Sam. On impulse Dean threw himself at Sam to pull him into a huge bear hug. Startled, Sam just sat there for a moment, before he recovered and returned the hug. Dean clung to him, like he had the day before, with all his strength as though Sam could protect him. It cut Sam fresh to see Dean so hurt, but he quickly recovered and tried to make Dean feel better.

"Shhh, it's ok. It was just a bad dream. It wasn't real. None of it was real." Sam soothed as Dean began to cry.

Dean just continued to cry and sob, unable to form words. All he could get out was rambling, or at least that's how it sounded to Sam.

"Sorry… I didn't… please Sammy…" Dean just kept going and going, and Sam was worried that Dean didn't know it was all a dream. Sam began to rock Dean, as one would a child to try to calm him down. They sat in silence for quite a while as Sam tried to get Dean to stop crying so he could find out what was going on. It took a while, but finally Dean pulled away. Sam watched as Dean wiped away the tear trails with the bottom of his palms. Sam let Dean take a second to relax before asking him what was going on.

"Dean, what happened?"

"Bad dream." Dean said in a broken voice. Sam waited for Dean to continue, but it seemed Dean didn't want to continue.

"Dean, come on, you can tell me."

Dean took a deep breath, as though he were going to say something. However, he stayed silent. Sam waited for Dean to make a response. After another moment, Dean opened his mouth to speak.

"I… It was dark. I didn't know what was going on. There was a gun in my hands and a flashlight too. I was looking for something, but I didn't know what. The place looked run down and like an old hospital. I kept looking over my shoulder because I thought someone was there. Then I saw you at the end of a hallway and I was happy. I ran toward you and you pointed a gun at me. I asked you to put it down but you wouldn't listen. You told me you were tired of following my orders and that you were tired of me being a 'good little soldier'."

At these words, Sam paled, knowing what Dean was referring to.

"It was like I had no control over what I was saying," Dean continued, tears coming to his eyes again "I said that this wasn't you and you just started yelling again for me to shut up. Then I handed you a gun. I told you that if you were really feeling that way to shoot me. You hesitated, but I pushed you and so…you shot me."

Sam didn't know what to say. Of all the memories that Dean had to have recalled it was this one. He knew that he had to tell Dean they were brothers, but Sam knew that he had to explain what just happened to Dean before he could even bring up that that subject. Sam looked up at Dean to see Dean watching him with an intense stare. However, before he could respond Dean began to speak.

"I guess that wasn't just a dream, was it Sam?"

"No, it wasn't. You had a recollection." Sam didn't want to continue, but he knew Dean deserved the truth. "What you remember was the asylum."

"The asylum?" Dean asked

"Yeah, the asylum. Basically what had happened was that there was an old mental hospital that was run down, but there were still spirits there. We went there to figure out why everyone who went into the asylum would come out a crazy killer. We found out that there was a guy there, named Dr. Ellicott. He was a mad doctor. He tried to find ways to fix the mental patients, but he only made them crazier. Apparently, all of the patients rebelled and they killed him. His spirit, however, remained. He would try to 'fix' everyone who went in. He tricked me and I ended up temporarily insane. When I found you, I was so mad. I hated the fact that you gave me orders as if I was a subordinate and not your partner. I was so mad that every time we were on hunt it was always complete the hunt at all costs. These things always used to annoy me, but when Ellicott got to me, it was like I saw red. All I wanted to do was vent and then you went back to doing what you used to do and I snapped. I did shoot you. After I shot, you managed to subdue me by tricking me. After you knocked me out, you killed Ellicott."

Sam finished his tale and closed his eyes, afraid of Dean's reaction. Would Dean be mad? Would he want to leave? Would he hate Sam? Too many thoughts to sort through floated in and out of Sam's head like waves in the ocean.

"Ok" was all that Dean said.

Sam looked up surprised.

"That's it? Ok? You just heard that I tried to kill you and you say ok?"

"I can't say anything else. I just remembered it. As scary as it was, I know, deep in my heart, that that wasn't you. You didn't mean it, and even if you did, I can tell you're sorry." Dean fidgeted a little as he told Sam it was ok, as if he was uncomfortable.

Sam looked at Dean in surprise. Is that what Dean thought about what happened at the asylum? Or was this just the thoughts of a fresh person, untouched by the many dangers of the dark? Either way, Sam was grateful Dean understood. Flashing a smile, Sam began to thank Dean.

"Dean…I don't know what to say. Thank you. I messed up big that time, and…" but Dean cut him off.

"Don't worry about it." Dean persisted "Just drop it. I don't do well with apologies and thanks and all that"

Sam laughed. That sounded just like Dean, but something was bothering him.

"What do you mean you're not good with apologies and thanks? You just woke up. I thought you didn't remember anything."

Dean looked thoughtful for a moment before responding.

"I don't. I can't really explain it. It's like a feeling that I can't shake off. Like how I knew I could trust you. It's the same. Right now, when I was telling you it was ok, I felt…uncomfortable, so I thought the old me was like that. He was, right?"

"Yeah, he was exactly the same. Actually," Sam continued, dreading the effect his next words were going to have, "I have to talk to you about the old you."

Dean averted his eyes when Sam said this. This confused Sam a little, and so he tried to find out what was going on.

"Hey, Dean, what's wrong?"

"Can we…not?" Dean said after a moment of hesitation

"Can we not what?"

"Could we not talk about the old me? I know you want me to remember, but I'm kind of scared"

Sam knew it was hard for Dean to talk about his feelings, but he didn't understand.

"But this is really important."

"I know. You wouldn't bug me unless it was, but I…don't think I'm ready to hear any more. I want to remember everything too, but when I had the recollection right now, it was, well terrifying. I really don't want to hear anything else about my past just yet. I don't think I could take another recollection like that or at least, not yet."

Sam was at war with himself. A part of him wanted to tell Dean he was his brother, knowing it was the right thing to do, but the other part of him wanted to follow Dean's wish. After a moment of trying to figure out what to do, Sam gave in to Dean.

"Alright, I won't tell you anything else, not until you're ready."

Dean looked up when he heard Sam give in. Even though his eyes were still bloodshot from crying, he gave Sam a wide grin. The smile almost broke Sam's heart. He knew Dean would have to rely on him for a while, but Sam hadn't realized how afraid Dean might be of his own memories. Sam returned the smile, but only half-heartedly as he began to berate himself in his mind.

'_I should have told him we are brothers. The longer I keep this a secret, the harder it's going to be later on, but I can't just force everything on Dean at the same time. I didn't think he would be scared of his own past. I should have thought of that. Until he's ready, I can't tell him anything, but I can't keep this to myself for much longer. Looks like I don't have a choice for now, but I'll tell him as soon as I can. I told Margaret I would'_

Dean began to talk, so Sam shoved away the thought for later so he could pay better attention to his brother.

"So, what do we do now, Sammy? You got any ideas?"

"I don't know. You decide what we do."

"Well, we could just watch TV all day. What do you think?"

Sam laughed at Dean's idea. It was so lazy, and so like Dean, when they weren't on a hunt.

"Yeah, that sounds good." Sam said, although he was troubled.

Sam grabbed the bag of food as Dean sat on the cheap sofa and flipped through the channels. Sam sat on the opposite side of the couch as he looked through the bag. Margaret was more thoughtful than he had thought. Inside the bad was enough food for the entire day. He had to be sure to thank her the next time he saw her, or at least call. He got out two breakfast sandwiches and looked up to offer one to Dean to find Dean was staring at him. Sam cocked his head curiously, waiting for Dean to explain.

"I don't bite you know…" Dean's tone was full of hurt.

Sam was surprised at the tone of Dean's voice.

"I…sorry, it's just I…I didn't want to…be too…" Sam couldn't finish, but Dean seemed to understand. Dean smiled.

"It's alright. I understand. Just relax." Dean said as he got closer to Sam. Sam seemed to get uncomfortable, but he didn't move. Dean got closer, and then pushed his back onto Sam's chest, similar to how they had slept the night before. Sam relaxed as Dean got comfortable and even put his arm around Dean. This made Dean blush a little. They began to watch the reruns of old television shows. At first it was a bit awkward, for the both of them, but after sometime it became more natural and relaxed. They spent most of the day like that, eating while laughing at the stupid TV shows they used to watch when they were younger, Sam hugging Dean to his chest. Hours flew as they enjoyed their day, although Sam still couldn't get the fact that he had to tell Dean they were brothers off of his mind. The next time Sam had looked at the clock it was 10 pm at night. Sam looked at the clock in surprise. Suddenly Dean began to get up. Sam looked up at him in surprise.

"Gotta use the restroom, Sammy" Dean said as he made his way to the restroom. Sam watched his brother make his way to the restroom, before standing up himself. He began to stretch, listening to his back pop. Once he had finished, Sam made his way to the tap in the tap to get some water. Sam filled a cup full to the brim and drank it in a few gulps. He hadn't realized how thirsty he had gotten until Dean had left. Sam turned around as soon as he heard the door opening. Dean walked out and made his way back to the couch as if to sit down, but then he seemed to think better of it. Instead he made his way to where Sam was. Leaning against the counter next to him, Dean began to speak.

"Hey, Sam, can I tell you something? Don't laugh or interrupt me until I'm done, ok?"

Sam nodded his yes, and urged Dean to continue.

"I…I'm not good with this chick flick girly crap, so just listen. I…ever since I woke up…I've had no idea what's going on. For now I have no choice, but to rely on you and my, as much as I hate it, emotions. I...when I saw you I don't know what happened. I felt…warm…like happy, or at peace. It was like the fact that I couldn't remember everything didn't matter, because you were there. I might not have known who you are, but I knew I could trust you the minute I saw you. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why for the entire day. Why, when we were watching TV, the only thing I could think of was…well, you. I racked my brain for so long trying to find out why. And after a while I finally figured it out." Dean began to step closer to Sam, who had gotten extremely nervous at that point.

"And what did you figure out?" Sam said with difficulty.

Dean was so close to Sam now. Their faces were only inches apart. It would be so easy for either to just lean in and…

'_No, I am NOT going there…_' Sam thought, even though that was what he wanted to do most. As Dean got even closer both brothers stopped breathing.

"This" Dean whispered as he pressed his lips to Sam's. Sam's eyes widened when he felt this, but he quickly closed them, and began to respond to the kiss. Sam began to move his hands, using one to cup the back of Dean's head, and using the other to bring Dean closer to him by pushing at his waist. Sam pressed his tongue to Dean's lips, asking for access. After a moment, Dean opened his lips slightly, giving Sam access. The kiss quickly became more passionate, their tongues dueling for dominance. Sam took the chance he had been waiting for and tasted every inch of his brother's mouth.

'_Brother'_

Sam's eyes shot open again when he realized what he was doing. Sam began to panic and he pulled away from Dean. Both were breathless from the kiss. Dean looked at Sam in confusion.

"We shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong." Sam said in one breath. As soon as he said it, he immediately regretted it. Dean's face changed from confused to extremely hurt in one moment. Sam realized he made a mistake and tried to fix it as quickly as possible.

"Dean, I…" but Sam was cut off by Dean.

"No, I don't want to hear it. You know what? Fuck you and Fuck this!"

Sam watched in shock as Dean made his way to the door. Recovering, he shouted to Dean.

"Dean, wait!" but Dean slammed the door, leaving Sam alone to figure out just how big a mistake he had just made.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. It was created by the CW. besides, if I did, they would be doing this on the show instead of leaving us to our imaginations.

A/N: A big thank you to everyone who reviewed and added me to their favorite or alert list. Please, I ask anyone who reads this to please review with comments or critisms so that I can improve my writing. I hope you enjoy.

Summary: Sam woke up the next day and went out to get something to eat for Dean and himself. On the way he meets Margaret who tells him to be careful with what he does while Dean had memory loss. Sam's guilt sets in and he promises to tell Dean when he wakes up. When Sam gets back to the apartment, Dean is in the throes of a nightmare. After managing to calm Dean down, Sam tried to explain everything to Dean, but Dean did not want ot hear anything about his past. Reluctantly, Sam gave in to Dean's wish and told him nothing. instead spending the day watching tv. At the end of the day, Dean and Sam have a talk which ends with them kissing. Sam breaks the kiss, thinking he is taking advantage of his brother. In a hurt rage, Dean leaves the motel room, leaving Sam stunned.

* * *

Chapter 6

Sam stared at the door, frozen in horror. His mind did not work for the longest time, minutes ticking away. He just stared at the door, until one huge thought broke through. What had he just done? Thoughts began to zoom through his head as he tried to figure out what the hell had just happened and what he had done to Dean and himself.

'_What the fuck just happened? Dean...kissed me? And then I pushed him away? What the hell is wrong with me?! I've been waiting so long for that one moment and I just let it go. I wanted that, I've wanted that, and he wanted it too. And then I stopped myself. Perfect. I have to be the biggest jackass I've ever met. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then I saw Dean's eyes. They were so full of hurt. I've never seen him like that, never. And I caused it. He…fuck. I never want to see him look like that again. I promised I would never let anyone hurt him, and I end up hurting him the most. Oh, god, help me. He ran away after I pushed him away. Why did he run? He…I…He thinks I don't want this? Oh god, what else could he think because of the way I acted? I don't want to take advantage of him. He's still so vulnerable. He must think I don't want him. I have to fix this. Damn it, I have to make everything right'._

Sam began to move, his body in autopilot. His mind was still working quickly while he went through the motions of putting on his shoes and grabbing the keys. Walking out the door, Sam tried to calm himself down and figure out what to do next rationally.

'_Where would Dean go? He has no idea where this is. Well, not much of an idea anyway. I did tell him some stuff after he woke up. Let's see, what did I tell him about the town? I told him about some of the things we passed. I told him about the diner. Come on, what else did I tell him?'_

Sam barely registered exiting the building and heading towards the Impala. It was only once he had sat down and began to turn on the car that he realized one important detail.

'_Dean left the Impala. He's on foot. I might have given him a head start, but at least I'll be able to find him faster. My hunter instinct must be messed up. I didn't even think about any of that.'_

Sam began to head out of the parking lot of the motel. As he began to drive, his thoughts turned back to the kiss.

'_Kissing Dean was… like touching fire. It was like being on fire in the best way. I've never felt that way before. It was like the passion was burning me alive He's the best kisser I've ever met. Granted, most of the guys I've kissed were when I was at college, but they never made me feel anything close to this. They don't even compare.'_ Without knowing it, Sam brought one of his hands to briefly touch his lips as he thought more and more about the kiss.

'_If I had known how Dean kissed I would have done it years ago.' _Despite himself, Sam's lips curved at the ends for a moment, contemplating what would have happened if he had told Dean about this when he was in high school. Sam shook his head to rid himself of such thoughts. He could daydream later. Dean took priority now.

With his mind set on finding Dean, Sam began to look with a single minded interest that few possess. Sam began by looking around the diner. Dean was nowhere to be found. Undeterred, Sam then began to look all over town. He searched by stores and around houses. Beginning to get desperate, Sam even asked around at other motels. He looked for about an hour before worry began to creep back into his mind.

'_This town isn't that big. It has a population of about 1000. It's bigger than most we've been in, but it's not grandiose. I should have found him by now. Where the hell is he?! Come on, Sam think! Think! Where would Dean go? Where would he go after an argument? Where is Dean most comfortable?' _Sam thought as he began to get more frustrated.

All of a sudden, it hit Sam. The bar! Dean always went to bars when they went into towns. Dean might have amnesia, but even Dean admitted that he relied on his emotions and impulses now, without any guidance from his past. Sam turned the car around and began to head toward the bar.

'_Why didn't I think of this in the beginning? God, I'm such a moron. Dean and bars go together. He might be drinking or hustling for money right now. I just hope he can forgive me.'_

Sam tried to stop his mind from going into thoughts of 'what if he doesn't forgive me' or 'what if he doesn't want me anymore' and went as fast as legally possible to the bar. After a few minutes of driving, Sam found himself in the parking lot of a crappy looking bar. Not that the others they had seen were any better. Sam parked the car and got out as quickly as he could. He had to force himself not to run toward the doors. Sam stopped right outside, however, to quell his nerves. He could actually hear his blood pumping he was so nervous. After taking a calming breath, Sam opened the door and stepped in. As soon as Sam stepped in, he almost choked. The air was filled with smoke. After taking another moment to try and get used to the smoke, Sam searched with watering eyes for Dean. It took him a few minutes, but finally he saw Dean playing pool. Sam made his way toward the pool table as he saw Dean win the game. He watched as Dean grinned toward the guy he was playing against. He was now close enough to hear their conversation.

"'I've never played' he says. Then I teach him the basics and he wipes the floor with me. I think I've just been had." Sam heard the man grumbled as the man handed Dean some money. Dean was still smiling as he grabbed the money.

"I really have never played. This is the first time I've ever played. I guess I'm a quick learner."

'_Or you used to play and you just forgot.' _Sam thought as he heard Dean inquire as to who was next.

"Anyone else want to try me?" Dean asked to the group of people who had formed around the pool table. A man stepped forward. Sam watched as he introduced himself. The man was tall and quite young looking. He was also quite handsome, Sam noticed with apprehension as he watched Dean interact with him. The man had blond hair with piercing blue eyes and he looked around 27 or so. He was built like a natural athlete. Sam listened to their conversation.

"So you want to play?" Dean asked

"Yeah, I do. So how much you gonna bet?" the blond man asked

Dean looked at his money before answering, "How about $100? That's about half of what I just won."

"You play it safe?"

"No, but I don't want to leave with nothing. This way even if I lose I can leave with something. The first game might have just been beginners luck."

"I doubt it with the way you played. Deal. $100 dollars it is. My name's James, by the way."

"Mine's Dean. Aright let's…" but Dean didn't finish his sentence as his eyes fell on Sam. Sam got closer now that Dean had noticed him. He wanted to talk to him before the next game at least.

"Dean…I want to talk to you." Sam said, hoping Dean would just give in.

Dean carefully made sure that his expression didn't change as he responded, "Can we talk later? I'm not in the mood right now." Dean began to set up the billiard balls.

"Please Dean, just…talk to me. Just…just for a minute."

"Look, I already told you, I'm not in the mood" Dean said, his voice rising a little in volume.

"Hey, is this guy bothering you?" James asked Dean. Sam felt unnecessary anger toward James at the moment, annoyed at being interrupted. Dean turned to James.

"Nah, he's just someone I know. Don't worry, I got it." Dean said, flashing James a smile. James nodded and walked away for the moment, unaware of the daggers Sam was staring into his back. Dean brought his attention back to Sam and indicated they go outside. Sam nodded and they headed outside.

Once they were outside Dean turned to Sam, but did not speak. Sam just stared dumbly at Dean, expecting him to say something. Both brothers simply sat there, in silence. After a few moments, Dean finally spoke.

"Well? What the hell do you want to say?"

Sam winced at Dean's tone. It wasn't that Dean was being particularly mean, but it was the flippant tone, like he didn't care, that hurt Sam. Recovering Sam began to speak.

"Dean…Look…about what happened…" but Dean cut him off.

"Don't worry about it. We're just friends, right?"

"Dean…"

"Just let it go."

"Dean just listen to me…"

"Don't. Worry. About. It." Dean said, slowly saying each word.

"Look, Dean…"

"I got a game of pool to win." Dean interrupted as he began to make his way to the bar, ignoring Sam on the way. Fumbling, Sam said the first thing that came to his head.

"How did you get here?" Sam asked, hoping Dean would answer. Dean stopped and turned around.

"I walked around for a little while. I found myself in front of this place and thought, what the hell, I've got nothing to lose. There was $100 in my pocket. I bought a drink and afterwards I watched some people play pool. That guy asked if I had ever played. I told him no and so he offered to teach me. I picked it up quickly and then you came right after I beat him." Dean began to head to the door again.

"Dean, wait. Please, just listen."

"Look, there's nothing to talk about. It was a request, one that you refused. That's all. Just let it go"

"Then why did you run?"

Dean hesitated before answering, "Because you kissed back. At least, at first."

With that, Dean headed inside, ignoring Sam's pleas to wait. Sam just stared at the door for a minute, before letting out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding in.

'_What now? He won't listen to me. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave… but what can I do? He wants me to leave, but I can't just leave the way things are. I…I refuse to leave like this. No matter what, even if Dean won't forgive me, I have to apologize. I can't do any more or any less, can I?'_

With these thoughts set in his mind, Sam re-entered the bar, determined to at least talk to Dean. Entering the place, Sam made his way to the bar where he asked for a beer. He knew he couldn't hold his alcohol very well, but he had to do something while he waited for Dean. Sam watched Dean play pool while he drank his beer. He watched as Dean talked and laughed with his opponent. It looks like no one could resist Dean's charm. The guy chatted Dean up just as much as they played pool. Sam felt the same jealousy he had felt with Julie when they were at the diner make its way back into his stomach. Sam clenched his teeth to prevent himself from doing anything stupid, and, try as he might to pretend like nothing was going on, something in his gut was telling him that the guy was interested. Sam averted his eyes and instead of marching over there and kicking the guy's ass, he grabbed his beer and drank all that remained in one gulp. Turning his head back he saw the guy hand Dean the money he had won. He watched Dean laugh and say something before beginning to walk away from the pool tables. Sam continued to watch as Dean entered the restroom. Sam stood up after a few moments to talk to him, when he saw James, head in that same direction. Sam froze, as hundreds of different scenarios passed through his head, all of which made his stomach twist in anger and jealousy. Making his way to the restroom, Sam was about to open the door when he heard Dean through the door. Instead of just barging in, yelling at the guy to get away from Dean, he instead decided to listen to what was going on.

"What the- Oh it's you" Sam heard Dean say

"Yeah, it's me" James said, his voice slightly muffled by the door

"So, I saw how you looked after that guy talked to you. You alright?" James continued

"Fine" came Dean's response

"You like him, don't you?"

Sam heard Dean laugh as he responded, "Sorry, but that's none of your business"

"Yeah, you're right. I was just wondering if the two of you were together."

"With Sam? Please, don't make me laugh" Dean said, although his voice held no humor

"Huh. Well, since you're not taken, how about a night with me?"

Dean laughed "Yeah, sure why not? How about if you win the next game, I'll go with you, but if I win, I get twice the money I just won."

Sam's hands unconsciously turned into fists when he heard Dean's response.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"Aren't you gonna move? I have a game of pool to win."

"In a minute. So tell me, you know you got a pretty face?"

"Uh…what?" Dean asked, clearly confused.

"I said did you know you have a pretty face? I wonder, is the rest of you as pretty?"

"Hey, what's with that look?" Dean asked, his voice sounding a little frightened.

"I was just curious…"

"Hey, what the hell? Back off!" Sam heard Dean say.

That was Sam's breaking point. Unable to take just standing there any longer, Sam burst through the door. As he did both Dean and James froze. Dean had backed up to the wall, his hands curled into fists. James was standing in front of him, frozen by Sam's sudden entry.

"What the hell are you doing to Dean?" Sam yelled at James

"Hey, man, chill out…" James said as he headed toward the door.

"Sam…" Dean said in a quiet voice

"Get the FUCK out of here!" Sam yelled, ready to tear James limb from limb.

James took this moment to run full speed out of the restroom, taking the first chance to leave without injuries. As soon as James had left, Sam turned to Dean. Dean was wearing a mixed expression on his face. It looked like Dean was at war with his emotions. Gratitude, anger, frustration, and affection were all shining in Dean's eyes, but before Dean could speak Sam was yelling at him too.

"What the HELL is wrong with you too?!"

"Wh-What?" Dean asked, confused as to what was going on

"What the hell were you doing? What were you thinking, going into the restroom with just some random guy? Anything could have happened to you. Do you know how stupid that was?"

Dean stiffened before responding, "Hey I didn't ask you to come in here. I could have taken care of myself. Besides, I didn't walk in here with him. He just followed me."

Sam laughed wryly before yelling again. "You could have taken care of yourself?! Don't give me that crap! You might not have asked him to come in here, but you weren't pushing him away either when he asked you if you wanted to go with him. In fact, if I heard correctly you wouldn't mind going with him."

Dean's eyes shone with anger as he responded, "You were listening to what we were saying?"

"Don't even try to make this about that. This has nothing to do with eavesdropping. You're lucky I came in when I did. Who knows what could have happened if I had come later on!"

In anger, Dean pushed Sam backwards before answering. "And who the hell told you I wanted help?! Besides, what the fuck does it matter to you anyway? We're just friends remember?"

Sam pushed Dean back, rougher and harder than Dean had.

"What do you mean 'what the fuck does it matter'? I care about you, you jackass"

Dean looked stunned at Sam's words, and even more stunned at the fact Sam pushed him back that a little of Sam's anger dissipates. However, that went out the window when Dean pushes back, furiously.

"You care? You care!? Fuck you! That's bullshit and you know it."

Sam can't take it anymore. With all his strength, Sam pushes Dean to the wall, pinning him there with his weight, uncaring about how much it hurts. He ignores Dean's wince of pain as he continues yelling.

"Of course I fucking care! Do you know how much you fucking mean to me?! Do you know how fucking worried I was when I was looking for you?"

Dean struggles as hard as he can, but Sam's got the advantage and Dean can't even move.

"Oh great he was god damn worried! That's great. Let's throw a fucking parade. Why the fuck didn't you just let me go with a guy or some girl? At least then I could have had some fun."

"No, you can't!" Sam yelled, his jealousy making a comeback and fueling his rage.

"Why the hell do you even care anyway? Huh? Answer me that you asshole" Dean yelled, not holding back any of his anger

The venom in Dean's voice makes Sam's heart break He knew he had hurt Dean, but he didn't know how to apologize. So Sam did the only thing he thought he could do. He tried to convey how sorry he was through action.

"This is why I care…" Sam said softly as he proceeded to crush Dean's mouth with his own. Dean opened his eyes in surprise at the sudden action, but quickly began to respond to the kiss. Sam pushed his tongue to Dean's lips again, asking for permission which Dean quickly gave, but this kiss was different. Sam could tell. Dean was being much more timid this time than when they had kissed at the motel. As the kiss escalated in passion, Sam dominated the kiss, and Dean let him, giving Sam control of the entire experience. Sam moved his hands up to Dean's back, simply to feel his brother in his arms. Sam tried to think of a reason for Dean's change, but couldn't think properly with all that was going on. After a few moments, they parted out of need to breath. As both of them tried to catch their breath, Sam looked at Dean, curious as to what Dean was thinking. He couldn't tell what his brother was thinking just from his facial expression. Knowing that they needed to talk, Sam tried to speak again.

"Dean…?"

"…Yeah?" came the breathless response.

"Can we please go back to the motel? We need to talk and I don't think this is the right place to do it."

Dean seemed to think for a moment before nodding his head and responding.

"Yeah, I think we need to…"

"Alright, then, let's go" Sam said as he let Dean away from the wall. Knowing his brother would follow, Sam headed back for the car thinking.

'_I can fix this. I can. I…We're going to talk. I can make everything right. I promise I will. I just hope he can forgive me, for everything.'_

Sam continued chanting this thought in his head like a mantra on the entire ride back.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I want to give everyone who had reviewed a huge thank you. All of you have made my day. This is the first time I have ever written anything with sex in it, so any comments or critisms will be immensly appreciated and loved. You have no idea how nervous I was when I was writing this. I apologize for any errors. It's kind of late. Please review.

Summary: Sam found Dean at the local bar after searching all around town. Sam tried to talk to Dean about what had happened, but Dean refused to talk to Sam. Sam stayed at the bar, refusiong to leave until Dean had spoken to him. Sam waited while Dean played pool until Sam saw him enter the restroom with another guy. After chasing away the other guy, who was making advances on Dean, Sam began to yell at Dean's stupidity. The two fought until in the heat of the moment, Sam kissed Dean. Sam asked Dean to just speak with him at the motel, and Dean reluctantly agreed.

* * *

Chapter 7

Sam and Dean entered the motel room in total silence. Neither had spoken a word since they had been in the restroom at the bar. After they had entered the room, they looked around for a place to sit. They decided on sitting on their respective beds. As they sat down, they locked eyes. Sam wanted to see what Dean was feeling, but even his eyes would not betray him. Sam shifted uncomfortably. He knew Dean would be waiting for him to begin, but Sam was unsure of how to begin. When he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. He didn't know what to say. What could he say, that he was sorry he had given Dean hope and then taken it away like a spoiled child? As he began to think of a way to begin, Dean interrupted his thoughts.

"Why?" Dean asked in a quiet voice

"Why what?" Sam asked as he thought, _'Well, at least it's a way to begin'_

"Why the hell did you do this to me?" Dean's voice had a slight edge, as if holding himself back.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked, confused at what Dean was talking about.

Dean averted his eyes as he spoke "I try to kiss you when we were here and you reject me. Then you go looking for me all over town, for what reason I don't know. I try to ignore you when you found me at the bar, but you won't go away. You save me from some freak in a restroom before yelling at me. I tell you to let me have some fun and then you kiss me. You give me so many mixed signals I don't even know what to think anymore. It's annoying. Why?"

"Dean I didn't reject you…" but Dean interrupted Sam

"You didn't reject me? Then why the hell did you push me away?"

Sam felt his heart hurt when he heard Dean's tone. He was being so distant, like none of this mattered to him, but before Sam could respond, Dean continued talking.

"When you pushed me away and told me what we had done was wrong it was like a stab in the heart. After I left I walked around for a while. I didn't even realize where I was going. My mind kept going back to what had happened. Every time I thought about it I could still remember how it felt when I left. It hurt, but I refused to show it. After I managed to suppress how much it hurt I just got angry. You kissed back, but then you just pushed me away. You responded, but then you just shove me away. Why? Why would you do that to me?"

Dean looked up to meet Sam's eyes, waiting for an explanation. Sam took a deep breath. He was feeling a number of emotions, so many in fact that his head began to spin. Trying to shake it off, Sam began to speak, hoping Dean would understand.

"Dean, I…I never meant to hurt you. It…just…I was afraid."

Dean cut him off here.

"You think I wasn't scared? That was terrifying. I don't know anything. I don't know who I was or really who you are or anything…" here Sam interjected

"That's why I was afraid. You don't know anything. You don't understand about the past. About who you were or who I am."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Dean asked

"It has everything to do with what was going on. There are things you don't know. There are things I haven't told you. Things I should have told you."

'_Like how we're related'_ Sam adds in his heads, wishing he had told Dean from the very beginning.

"So what? So there are things I don't know about my past. That doesn't mean a thing."

"Yes, it does," Sam insisted. "Trust me, if you knew the whole story, this whole thing would be so different than the way you're seeing it. Dean, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to. That wasn't what I wanted to do. Please understand that." Sam looked at Dean, hoping Dean's reaction was not the one he felt he deserved.

Dean kept a blank face on as he asked, "Then why did you reject me? If you didn't stop the kiss because you didn't want me, then why did you stop?"

Sam took a calming breath before answering Dean's question. "Dean, I'm sorry. I was just so afraid. You don't know about anything that's going. I didn't want to take advantage of you."

Dean looked incredulous when Sam said this. "You didn't want to take advantage of me? I kissed you. Or did you forget that?"

Sam felt his frustration build as the conversation continued. Why wouldn't Dean understand?

"Dean, trust me. If I had told you everything, then things would be so different. I'm such a selfish bastard. I didn't tell you everything about who you used to be."

"I asked you not to tell me any more. Remember?"

"Yeah, but if I had just told you from the beginning, then this wouldn't have happened. God I don't know what I was thinking."

Sam looked up at Dean to see his reaction. Dean was silent for a moment, as if contemplating how to continue from here. Sam looked down, afraid of how the conversation would go from here. When Dean spoke again, Sam almost jumped in surprise.

"Sam, why are you doing this to yourself? To me? You wanted that, just as much as I did. I know you did. I can tell by the fact that you came after me. When you began the kiss the second time, I could tell how much you wanted this. I may not remember much, but that doesn't matter. I don't need memories to tell me that we can or can't do this." At this point, Dean stood up and sat next to Sam, close enough so that Sam's breath hitched, but far enough to give Sam the space he needed.

"That's the root of this whole problem. You don't remember. I can't…" but Dean interrupted him

"Sam, let me ask you a question. I…this thing which is making you feel you should have told me… you feel it's that important? I want to know, this secret would it…" Dean swallowed audibly and suddenly became more nervous. Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder to encourage Dean to continue. Dean seemed to feel better, much to Sam's happiness, once he had placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. When Dean began to speak again, Sam had to listen closely, as he had begun to whisper.

"Would this secret make you look at me differently?"

"What?" Sam was unsure of what Dean meant, and while it hurt him to see him being so meek, he was also happy Dean was opening up to him.

"Whatever it is that you know that I should, does it make you…make you not want me anymore?" Sam gasped and Dean averted his eyes and tried to move away from Sam's hand, but could not, seeing as how Sam was gripping him hard.

Sam was so surprised at Dean's thought. The openness and the fear in Dean's voice shook Sam to his very core. He could not imagine ever feeling that way about Dean. Grasping Dean's chin, he forced Dean to face him. He felt the need to assure Dean, to tell him he was wrong.

"Dean, listen to me. I would never, never ever feel like that. Trust me, I care about you more than I've ever thought I could care for someone. I don't know how, but every time I see you all I can think is how beautiful you are. I used to think all the time about how much you used to care for me and how you would protect me when we were little. Whenever you would catch me you used to tell me I was thinking too much. When you asked what I was thinking about I would always lie. I could tell you knew, but you would pretend you didn't."

Sam laughed lightly and he felt Dean relax and laugh a little too. Their eyes met again and suddenly, the atmosphere changed. Sam could feel a change in temperature, but he didn't know what had caused it. They simply sat there for another moment, in peaceful silence. After a few minutes of calm bliss, Dean broke the silence.

"If that's true, Sam, then why are you stopping yourself?"

Sam felt guilt set in, deep in his gut, like a coiling snake, at the reminder of his foolish mistake but he suppressed it as he tried to make Dean understand.

"Dean, please, you have to understand. I should have told you this as soon as you had woken up, but…"

"Stop" Dean commanded.

"What?"

"I said stop. Just relax. This thing you're worrying about, don't worry about it. I know how guilty you feel about pushing me away and I know that whatever it is you feel you should have told me, its making you feel bad, but I don't want to know. Please, I forgive you, just let it go. I understand that I need to remember, but I just…I'm afraid, you know? What if I go crazy because of what I remember? What if I never remember? That recollection was so terrifying, and I never want to go through that again, but at the same time I know I have to remember. I just…I don't think I'm ready to hear any more. Please, just… wait until I'm ready, please."

Sam was stunned by Dean's revelation. Dean had never been so open with him before, so ready to put himself in Sam's hands, and it startled him a little. Dean never let himself be vulnerable before. How do you comfort someone who's always comforted you? Sam couldn't figure it out, so for now, he settled for what he could. He placed his arm around Dean and held him close. Dean didn't resist as Sam pulled him close to his chest. They sat there like that for a while, Sam wondering what he had done to deserve someone as understanding as Dean and Dean, listening to Sam's heartbeat, a reminder that Sam was here, and was not pushing him away. Sam began to feel himself falling into enjoyable bliss, until a thought entered his head. He hated to break this silence, but he knew he had to ask.

"Dean, what now?"

Dean did not answer. Sam was wondering whether Dean has heard him or not. Before Sam said anything about it though, Dean pulled away just a little bit to look Sam in the eyes.

"Well, we can do a lot of things right now. We could go back to watching TV, or we could just go to sleep. It's late anyway. Or we could…"Sam watched as Dean's cheeks began to flush. He smirked as he figured out what Dean was insinuating, but Sam felt the need to mess with Dean.

"We could what?" Sam said, putting on an expression he hoped was innocent.

Dean looked up at Sam as though he were crazy. Sam had hoped he could mess with Dean just a little, but when he saw Dean calm down he realized he must have given himself away.

"You know damn well what I mean Sam."

"Really? I have no clue what you're talking about."

"You're not going to make me say it out loud are you?" Dean's face had turned a bright red at this point, which made Sam smile. Dean looked so adorable.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sam said, although he couldn't resist grinning.

Dean gave Sam a mock glare. Sam laughed, unable to keep his 'innocent' face on any longer. Dean kept glaring until his face split into a smile and he began to laugh too. They both began to laugh harder and harder. They couldn't help themselves. They felt like a giant pressure had been lifted off of them and suddenly everything seemed funny. Both turned red in the face as they began to laugh even harder, unable to help themselves. Sam closed his eyes and fell back on his bed, Dean falling on top of him. As they fell with a small thud, they laughed even harder. They sat like that until Sam heard Dean suddenly stop laughing and he opened his eyes. He saw Dean staring at him, unmoving, his eyes slightly unfocused, as if in a trance. Sam felt all of the humor disappear as it was replaced with something much more intimate. Without putting much thought into it, Sam leaned forward and pressed his lips to Dean's, much more softly than before. Time froze for the both of them as they just sat there, lips touching, in a moment of tender affection. When they parted Sam laughed when he saw Dean's eyes. They were a color Sam had never seen before.

'_No that's not it'_ Sam thought. They were still the same hazel brown color, but they had a different tint to them, something Sam couldn't describe, only see and feel. Dean opened his mouth as if to say something, and Sam took advantage of the moment to place another kiss on Dean's lips. Sam used his tongue to explore every part of his brother's mouth, something he had wanted to do since he was a teenager. Sam ran tongue over Dean's teeth, smooth and hard, and over the insides of Dean's smooth cheeks. Dean's tongue met his, a little hesitant, and Sam took the moment to taste the unique taste of his brother. Sam tried to figure out what the taste was. He could taste liquor, some of the toothpaste his brother used, and something uniquely Dean, something Sam couldn't quite figure out. After a few moments Sam gave up trying to figure what it was and just labeled it as…well Dean. Sam wanted to stay like that forever, but as his lungs began to burn for oxygen he knew he had to pull away. Regretfully, Sam pulled away and immediately began to breathe deeply to get oxygen back into his lungs. Sam watched as Dean sat up and did the same thing. After a few minutes Sam felt strong enough to sit up and smile at Dean. He wanted to ask Dean something, but before he could say anything Dean spoke.

"Wow" Dean said, more than a little breathless.

Sam laughed, saying "You're right. Wow"

"I could do that all day" Dean said with a grin

"So could I. Trust me, so could I" Sam admitted

Dean's eyes lit up as he said, "I hope that's not **ALL** we're going to do."

Sam felt desire burn deep in his stomach when he heard Dean say that, but he had to make sure Dean was completely ok with what they were thinking about doing.

"Dean, are you sure you want to do this? Once we do this, there's no going back, and you still don't remem…" however Sam as unable to finish his sentence as Dean interrupted him.

"Trust me, Sam, I'm more than ready."

"Yeah, but…"

"Sam, please, I may not have my memories, but I don't need them to know how much I want you."

Sam got a glint in his eyes when he heard Dean say this. With a predatory grin, he grabbed Dean and kissed him hard, with a passion he didn't even know he had. Dean responded to the kiss quickly, but Sam was far from done. He had waited for so long and finally, he had been given a chance. He was not about to let it go to waste. Moving his hands to the hem of Dean's shirt, he moved his hands under them and began to push up, slowly. Sam felt as Dean shrugged of his jacket, to make it easier for him to remove the shirt. He felt Dean's hands move down his body, touching and feeling, exploring every crevice of his body. Dean's hands moved slowly, sensually, down Sam's torso to his groin. When Sam felt a hand wrap around his hard length even through the denim, he couldn't help letting out a groan. Sam didn't want to break the kiss, but he couldn't find a way to take Dean's shirt off without breaking the kiss, and Dean's hand was being very distracting. Pulling away, Sam began to breathe deeply as Dean moved his hands away from Sam to finish removing his shirt. Sam quickly removed his own and threw it to the side as he went in to kiss Dean again. He pushed Dean back until Dean was lying on the bed before breaking the kiss and pulling away.

Sam just wanted to look at Dean for just a second. What he saw was just…beautiful. Dean lying under him, panting and red in the face was just the hottest thing he had ever seen. Sam swept down placed his mouth on Dean's neck, placing gentle kisses as he moved down. All of a sudden, he bit down gently, leaving a small mark, and earning a groan from Dean. Moving down a little, Sam placed more kisses on Dean's collar bone, leaving marks every once in a while, a reminder that this was actually happening. He moved back up to give Dean another deep kiss, relishing in the fact that this was reality and not just a dream or fantasy. Dean, who at first as just sitting there was now moving his hands down to Sam's jeans. Deftly undoing the button of Sam's jeans, Dean moved his hands under the denim, and pushed Sam's jeans and boxers down together. Sam pulled away for a moment and smirked at Dean's eagerness as he kicked off his boxers and jeans. Swooping down for another kiss, Sam moved his own hands to Dean's jeans and did the same thing as Dean had. After helping Dean remove his jeans and boxer briefs, Sam pulled away once again. He just had to look at Dean again. Dean opened his eyes when he noticed Sam had stopped.

"What?" Dean said, gasping for air.

"Nothing, just, god…you're so…beautiful" Sam said, quickly leaning down and taking one of Dean's nipples into his mouth. Dean gasped at the sudden move and arched his back as Sam began to lick and bite. Sam moved one of his hands and copied what he was doing to the nipple in his mouth with his hand, pinching and rubbing until they were both hard little nubs. Continued his journey down Dean's body, Sam continued pressing soft, tender kisses, leaving a small mark here and there and earning more moans from Dean. With one of his hands, Sam began to move down Dean's body as he continued to leave small kisses on his stomach, tasting Dean's salty sweat and watching as some of his own fell onto Dean. Sam moved back up to give Dean another kiss as he brought his hand down to Dean's erection. Dean groaned, deep in his throat, a feral noise, as Sam wrapped his hand around Dean's length. Sam slowly began to pump Dean's erection, similar to how Dean hand had moved in his dream, moving slowly at first and then gaining speed, flicking the top of Dean's length with his thumb. Dean broke the kiss and moaned as Sam increased his hand's speed, moving faster and faster as time went on. Sam watched as Dean moaned and panted, covered in a fine sheen of sweat and writhing with the pleasure Sam was giving him. Sam was beyond hard now and knew he wouldn't last much longer before he would have to look for release, but he wanted this to last as long as possible. Speeding up his hand, Sam began to place more kisses on Dean's neck as he felt Dean begin to buck his hips as he got closer to the edge. Sam felt his own sweat run down his neck, some falling on Dean. Sam continued to press kisses on Dean's neck until he felt his hand being pushed away from Dean's erection. Pulling away to look into Dean's eyes, he wondered what was going on.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked, concerned

Dean panted for a minute as he tried to get himself under control before answering.

"Nothing's wrong. It's just that…I…don't want this to end that quick, or at least not yet" Dean smiled at this point as he continued. "Any more and I might not have lasted very much longer."

Sam calmed down and gave Dean a huge smile full of understanding. Dean smiled back and Sam bent down for another long slow kiss. After a moment Sam pulled away and felt he had to ask something.

"Dean, so what now?"

Dean averted his eyes and began to answer

"I want you to…" Dean blushed and did not finish his sentence. Sam understood and smiled at Dean and gave him a small reassuring kiss.

"Dean, you sure you want to do this?"

"Yeah…"came Dean's answer

"Alright, but if you want to stop, tell me, ok?"

"Yeah, Sammy"

Sam smiled at the nickname and gave Dean another kiss before moving away. Sam quickly walked to the restroom and pulled out a bottle of lotion. Dean looked at him questioningly.

"I don't want to hurt you, Dean"

"Have you…have you ever done this?" Dean asked

"A few times, when I was in college. Have you?" Sam said, a little afraid of Dean's answer

Dean laughed, "I don't remember. Have I?"

Sam had forgotten about Dean's amnesia.

"Sorry, I forgot about your amnesia."

"Don't worry about it Sammy"

Sam walked back to Dean and put some lotion on his hands. With one hand he prepared himself and with the other began to insert a finger into Dean to slowly prepare him. Sam watched Dean, making sure he was ok. After the initial wince, Dean said he was ok, and Sam continued, first with two and then with three fingers. Sam watched Dean carefully for any signs of discomfort. To Sam's surprise, after wincing Dean began to push down his fingers in eager anticipation. After a few moments, Sam pulled his fingers away. Dean got up on his elbows to see what Sam was doing. Sam aligned his cock with Dean's opening, but hesitated for a moment. Dean nodded with a smile, trying to reassure Sam. Sam began to push in slowly. As soon as he had entered he heard Dean gasp. Sam waited until Dean calmed down a little before moving again, pushing in some more. He heard Dean moan in pain, and Sam was afraid he had hurt Dean.

"Dean, you ok?" Sam managed to choke out. He felt so good, but if this was hurting Dean he would stop.

"Sammy, it hurts." Sam heard Dean sob through his throat, face screwed in pain

"Do you want me to stop?" Sam didn't want to stop, but Dean was more important.

"No…just do it all at once"

Sam didn't answer, instead pushing in the rest of the way in one large thrust like Dean wanted. Dean gasped in pain and a few tears fell from his eyes. Sam used one of his hands to wipe away Dean's tears and leaned down to plant several kisses on Dean's face as an apology. Sam waited until Dean wrapped his arms around him to continue. Sam placed both hands on Dean's hips and pulled out slowly and began to push in slowly again. Sam moved a little differently and hit something he hadn't before and this time, Sam heard Dean moan in pleasure rather than pain.

"Harder" Dean pleaded

Sam obeyed and continued to move, slowly at first, then building speed in a steady rhythm. Dean moaned and writhed as Sam began to build speed, and Sam knew he wouldn't last long. With each thrust Sam felt himself getting closer to release. He moved one hand to Dean's length and began to jerk it frantically. Sam heard Dean groan at the new sensation and Dean continued to writhe against Sam, their sweat mixing.

"Faster" Dean moaned

Sam increased his speed even more. Sam began to moan along with Dean as he came closer and closer to release. Sam sped up his hand and Dean moaned even louder. After a few minutes, neither brother could take it anymore.

"Sammy!" Dean cried as he came, writhing on the bed, his head falling back on the bed.

When Dean came, Sam went over the edge. With a growl, Sam came and then fell forward on top of Dean. Both lay there, sated, in bliss until Dean pushed on Sam a little to move.

"As much as I like you, you're heavy. Move." Dean said

"Hey, are you telling me I'm fat?" Sam said, a smile on his face as he moved.

"No, I'm telling you you're huge. You're like a foot taller than me" Dean got comfortable against Sam, not caring about the mess they were in or how their skin stuck together from the sweat. Sam put his arms around Dean and held him there in a hug. Dean closed his eyes with a content smile on his face. Sam couldn't help but have a huge grin on his face as he held Dean, knowing that they did this and that this was reality was the best feeling he had ever had. Pressing a kiss to the crown of Dean's head, he breathed in his brother's scent deeply and began to doze off. As he was falling asleep he heard Dean mumble.

"Love you Sammy" Dean mumbled before falling into exhausted sleep.

Sam's heart felt like it would burst when he hear Dean say that. Even though Dean couldn't hear him, Sam whispered back.

"I love you too, Dean" Sam whispered, hugging Dean a little tighter to his body. Sam sat in content silence, listening to Dean's breathing, until he too closed his eyes and slept.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I was so shocked at the number of reviews I got for the last chapter. I am so happy people thought what I wrote was good. I was quite nervous. I had never written anything like that before. Anyway, I want to thank all my reviewers. All of you rock! This chapter is quite long, and for that I want to apologize. It was meant to be much shorter, but I got some insparation. Anyway, so i hope you enjoy this chapter too. Please review with any comments or critisms.

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of it's characters. They belong to whoever made them that works for the CW.

Summary:Sam and Dean spoke about what had happened. After Dean realized that Sam had only pushed him away because he didn't want to take advantage of him, Dean forgives him. Sam is about to tell him they are related, but stops at Dean's request. After they clear the air, they end up having a night of passionate sex.

* * *

Chapter 8

Sam felt light hit him on the face and opened his eyes reluctantly. As he began to wake up, he felt…unbelievably warm. Blinking a few times to wake himself, Sam looked down to see Dean sleeping in his arms. Unable to keep the huge grin from appearing on his face, Sam looked at Dean as memories of the past night flooded his thoughts. He felt so elated, so happy, more so than he had ever been in his life. Here he was, with…with _**his**_ Dean in his arms, not some guy who went to his school and he got drunk with, or one of Jesse's 'friends' she had set him up with, but Dean, his older brother, the person he had wanted since he was in high school. Smiling, Sam held Dean a little tighter as thoughts filled his mind while he watched Dean sleep.

'_Last night was…amazing. I feel so…I can't even describe it. God, I sound like such a girl. I don't care though. It was like flying. He…we really did that. It wasn't just a dream or some fantasy I had, but it really happened. Here I am, with my Dean in my arms, and it's the best feeling in the whole world. We made love. I know that sounds sappy, but it doesn't even matter to me right know. How does Dean do this to me? Whenever he's around me, it's like everything just disappears. Dad, demons, hunting, none of these matter when he talks to me. It's like everything just…vanishes. All I can think about is how beautiful he is, and how much I want to be with him. This is supposed to feel so wrong, but this feels like the most natural thing I've ever done. Who cares about the hunting and the killing and the danger? I couldn't care less about that so long as I have Dean with me. If he wants to continue hunting, then we'll keep going, but if he wants to stop, then I'll be behind him 100. We can't stay here indefinitely. Dad's gonna be wondering why we haven't kept moving and who knows what'll happen then. When he wakes up, I'll ask him over breakfast what he wants to do next'_

Sam was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Dean open his eyes. He felt Dean shift in his arms, and Sam focused on the real world again. His eyes focused and he found Dean smiling at him. Sam smiled back and hugged him tight, Dean doing the same to him. He leaned down and gave Dean a quick kiss on the lips without thinking much about it.

"Morning" Sam said, still basking in the feeling of warmth Dean was giving him

"Morning" Deans said stifling a yawn. Sam thought Dean looked so adorable tired and sleepy.

"So have you been up long?" Dean asked, shifting a little, but otherwise staying in Sam's arms.

"No, I woke up a little while ago. I didn't want to wake you"

"What were you doing right now? You seemed kinda out of it."

"Nothing, I was just thinking about some things. About us. About what happened last night. About how beautiful you look." Sam added the last part without thinking.

Dean blushed, but flashed a huge smile at Sam. It was a simple thing, just for a moment, but seeing that smile on Dean's face, and knowing he had caused it, made his heart swell with joy.

"Were you watching me sleep?" Dean teased, even though he was blushing.

Sam felt heat creep up on his face as he felt his face as Dean teased him. Even though he felt his face begin to turn red, Sam replied defiantly, "Yeah, I was watching you sleep. You look so adorable when you're sleeping."

Dean blushed, mumbling, "Really…?", and avoiding Sam's eyes. Sam smiled and leaned in, his breath blowing into Dean's ear.

"Oh, yeah, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. So beautiful…and all mine."

"I'm yours?" Dean asked, as if in a daze

"Yeah, you are. And I'm yours." Sam promised, leaning down for another chaste kiss.

"You're kinda possessive, aren't you Sammy?" Dean said, a playful tone in his voice.

"Yeah, I kinda am." Sam admits. Suddenly, a thought crossed Sam's mind, filling him with fear. "Why? Does…does that freak you out?"

"No," Dean said with a laugh. "I was just making an observation. Actually, I kind of like it."

"Do you?" Sam asked, his voice dropping to a husky whisper.

"Mmhm. It's kind of hot. The thought of being claimed by you, Sammy"

Dean moved up and gave Sam a long, deep kiss. Sam thought he was in heaven again. How Dean could make a kiss feel like fire was something Sam could never understand. How Dean could take something simple like a smile or a kiss and put so much emotion into it, make it seem so significant, was something only Dean was blessed with, in Sam's eyes anyway. When Sam pulled away, he heard Dean whimper quietly. Sam laughed a little and placed another quick kiss on Dean's lips before trying to get up.

"Dean, as much as I'd love to just lie here with you, we have to get up."

"Why?" Dean asked, even though he was already moving away from Sam and standing up, his voice full of curiosity.

"I'm gonna get us some breakfast. Meanwhile, you should get this place cleaned up. It looks like a mess." Sam said, adding the last part with a wicked grin, and getting another blush from Dean. "Go ahead and take a shower, but make sure to leave me some hot water. When I get back, we're gonna have to have a long talk over breakfast."

"About what?" Dean asked, his voice quavering with uncertainty. Sam saw a flash of fear in Dean's eyes and felt the need to take it away.

"Nothing about your past, I promise" Sam reassured, watching as Dean calmed down almost immediately after the words left his mouth, although he still seemed a little apprehensive. "We have to discuss what we do from here on out. Where this…where this is going and what our next move is going to be, ok?"

Dean nodded his response and turned to face the bed, pulling on his boxer briefs he had found by the bed, as if suddenly self conscious that he was naked. Sam chuckled at Dean's shyness, and looked around for some of his own clothes to put on. He put on a pair of boxers, and found his jeans lying by the bed. Putting them on, he then moved to his duffel bag and looked around for a t-shirt. He settled for a plain white one and shrugged on his jacket over it. Sam moved toward the door, grabbing the keys on the way. He turned around one more time to see Dean, fixing the bed they had slept on. Sam smiled and called out.

"I'll be back, alright?"

Dean looked up and flashed another dazzling smile which made Sam's heart throb and swell." Yeah, alright Sammy. Just hurry up and get back."

"I will" Sam promised, walking out of the room and closing the door behind him. Sam was so happy he didn't even notice as he made his way out of the motel and toward the Impala. All he could think about was Dean. Sam felt almost ready to burst with all of the emotions running through body. He felt giddy, happy. He felt so…alive. Sam couldn't hold in his happiness anymore and let out a loud laugh, garnering an odd look from the replacement clerk as he passed by, not that he cared. The entire world could have been falling apart at that moment and he still wouldn't care. Dean was the only thing that mattered to him at the moment. He walked out to the Impala and turned it on. Beginning to pull out of the parking lot, Sam tried to get his thoughts in order as he drove toward the diner. He could've walked, but for some reason he didn't want to be away from Dean for very long.

'_When I get, back, we're going to have to talk. I know Dean's scared, but as long as I avoid anything about our past he should be ok. We have to talk about what to do next. How am I going to bring this up? I can't just say 'So, Dean, should we continue hunting? You know, risking our lives for people who will never know what we saved them from, who will most likely be ungrateful. Should we continue with all of these lies, living off of what we can make at bars playing pool, and god knows how else you make it? Should we continue to put ourselves on the line and continue to be in danger until either we're too hurt to continue or dead? Or should we stop?'' _Sam's thoughts stopped at the thought of leaving, before they began to speed up again._ 'Can we really leave this life? Pretend that nothing's ever happened to us and just begin our own life? Could we really do that, knowing that there are things that thrive in the darkness, which feed on the innocent, people we could protect? Can we live with either of these choices? That's what this life does. It feels like no matter what, we'll always have regrets.'_

Sam hadn't realized how hard he had been gripping the steering wheel so tightly until he had arrived at the diner and his hands felt glued to the wheel. Sam let out an audible sigh before slowly unwrapping his hands from the wheel and flexing his fingers to speed up the blood flow. While he made his way out of the Impala, Sam tried to push these bitter thoughts out of his head with something more positive.

'_Just think about Dean. I would do anything for him, right? Just focus on that. If it's what he wants, then I'll be supportive of his decision, be it to keep going or stop. If we keep going, I'll have to retrain Dean. That might be fun. I could work out a...reward system.'_

Thinking about just how he could reward Dean put a huge smile back on Sam's face. Now, he couldn't wait to get back and have some fun with…with his Dean. Walking inside the diner, Sam moved toward the counter and quickly placed an order for breakfast. He paid with the credit card, and the man gave him a number on a piece of paper. Sam felt himself tense up when he sat down and began to wait for his food. He was eager to leave the diner and get back to Dean, not only because he wanted to spend some time with him, but also because he really, really did not want to see a certain someone who worked here. When he heard his number get called, telling him his meal as ready, he stood up and walked toward the counter. As soon as he saw who was at the counter, he groaned inwardly. It was the one person he wanted to avoid. It was Julie, the girl his brother had been flirting with when they had come in here only a few days ago. Forcing a smile on his face, he walked up to the counter and grabbed his food from Julie, nodding his thanks, and hoping she had forgotten who he was. He had almost gotten out of the door, when she called out.

"Hey, you're Dean's little brother, right?" Julie asked form the counter.

'_Damn, I was almost home free' _Sam thought, turning around slowly

"Yeah, I am." Sam said, hoping she wouldn't ask too many questions. Unfortunately, it seemed as though he wouldn't be very lucky today.

"So how is he? Is he in the car?"

"No, he's not. He was…busy last night and I offered to get breakfast this morning." Sam answered, unable to keep a smug grin off his face.

"Well, could you tell him hi for me? Also, if you don't mind, tell him I had A LOT of fun at the bar a little while ago"

Sam felt his stomach contract at her words, but he continued to smile.

"Sure, no problem" Sam answered, turning around and leaving the diner before she could say any more.

As Sam made his way to the car, he tried to get the implications of what she had just said out of his mind. He was unsuccessful, and he found himself thinking about what could have happened the entire way home.

'_What the hell did she mean by that? She had a lot of fun with him? What did they do? Would Dean really do…something in a bar? Would he? No, even Dean isn't that bad. Just relax, breathe, Dean wouldn't do something like that. He might be a sex addict sometimes, but even he wouldn't go that far. Besides, even if he did, he's with me now, so there's no reason to worry, right?'_

Sam hated the fact that he was worrying about something that had already happened and that he was getting more and more upset. He knew that he and Dean were…well, he was still unsure of what they were, but he knew that they at least had a future. He made an effort to calm down after thinking about it, and was more successful than before. Pulling in to the parking lot of the motel, he parked and got out of the car. As he made his way into the motel and toward their room, Sam calmed down more and more. The more he thought about how he had gotten, the more he realized that he was being stupid. He couldn't worry about something Dean might or might not have done. It was stupid. He should look toward the future, to the next step, not whine about the past. With this thought set firmly in mind he opened the door to the motel room. He had been so deep in thought he hadn't realized how much he had already walked.

"Hey, I'm back" Sam said, as he walked inside, putting the food on the table. Before he could turn around, he felt a pair of hands wrap around his waist, pulling close to him.

"Hey, what took you so long? I've already cleaned and had a shower." Dean asked, hugging Sam close, and whispering into his ear. Dean was already fully dressed and looked ready to go. Sam turned around and pressed a small kiss on Dean's lips. No matter how many times he did that, each time felt so new, so fresh, like he had never done that before. He could do it forever.

"Sorry, they took a little while making the food. Come on, sit down and eat with me. We have to talk, and as much as I would like to have some fun with you, this is important." Sam said, as he regretfully pulled himself away from Dean, and sat down on the opposite side of the table. Pulling out the breakfast specials from the bag, he also passed Dean his cup of coffee. Dean fidgeted, and seemed generally nervous, and Sam wanted him to relax.

"Come on, Dean. Just relax. Here, let's start eating and we can talk while we eat. Don't worry; I know you're still a little shaky. I won't try to push it until you're ready" Sam watched as the worry melted from Dean's features and he began to eat. Sam smiled and began to eat too. After a few moments of silent eating, Sam began to speak, knowing they had to discuss this today.

"Dean, this is really important ok? I want your honest opinion. I don't want you to say what you think I want to hear, alright?"

"Yeah, Sammy, what's up?"

Sam took a moment to breathe to calm himself, unsure whether to begin about the hunting or about their relationship. He opted for option 2 and began to speak.

"Dean, I need to know, what is it you want from…from us?"

Dean cocked his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I…do you actually want a relationship, or do you want to keep this as just sex, or is this because you think you owe me? What is it?"

Dean looked a little hurt when Sam finished talking, and that look made Sam feel like an ass.

"Why, is sex all you're after?" Dean said quietly, averting his eyes nervously.

"No!" Sam yelled, a little louder than he had intended and startling Dean. "No," Sam continued more gently, "I would never think of doing that to you. I really care about you. I just want to make sure this is what you want. I don't…I don't want you to regret this someday" Now, Sam looked down at the ground, hoping Dean wanted what he wanted.

"Sammy, listen to me." Dean said, waiting until Sam looked up and made eye contact before he continued. "I will never, never regret this. I didn't regret it yesterday. I didn't regret it this morning. I don't regret it now. If anything, please believe that. I don't want just sex, and I didn't do this because I felt like I owed you. I wanted this, so much. I don't know if we have a future or what might happen, but I want to try."

Sam looked up, overjoyed at Dean's words. With a huge smile on his face, Sam moved one of his hands across the table and gave Dean's a small squeeze. Dean returned the small gesture and gave Sam a huge smile. Sam, however suddenly got serious.

"Dean, if we continue a relationship like this, we'll have to be careful. I'm not saying I'm going to avoid you completely when we go out, but we should be as discreet as possible. Sam sex relations tend to be looked down upon, and that could be dangerous. I care about you a lot and I don't want you to get hurt. Ignorant people can be spiteful, ok? In our line of work, even a small injury can mean the difference between life and death"

"Yeah, Sammy, I know. We'll have to be careful. That doesn't change my decision. I still want to be with you." Dean said, a small smile gracing his features. Sam returned the smile before continuing.

"Speaking of hunting, that's something else I want to talk to you about."

Dean got a little nervous, but calmed down and nodded his approval.

"Dean, I need to know, do you want to continue hunting?" Sam said, a little blunter than he had intended.

Dean blinked in surprise, before asking "Should I be making that decision? That's kind of important, and I don't have any memories. You sure you wanna leave something like that up to me?"

"Dean, listen to what I'm about to tell you. I can't make that kind of decision, not on my own. You're my partner, and I rely on you for a lot. If I make the decision I don't want this decision to impact you negatively. Whatever, we decide to do; I want…I want you to make the decision."

"Sam…"

"I just want you to know, whatever we decide to do, I'm behind you 100. So, do you want to take a break from hunting while you get your memory back? Or do you want to just continue hunting? If we decide to continue, I'm going to have to train you again. Your body should still be in good physical condition, so I'll just have to teach you the basics, like how to kill stuff, and how to use the weapons. I'm sure you'll pick it up quick. You really already know this stuff, and so it would be just like relearning it."

"Sam, I…I don't know what to do. I…what do you think?"

"I think that either way, I'll be happy so long as I'm with you." Sam said, offering Dean another smile. "We could take a break, or we could just continue hunting fore the thing that killed…important people in our lives."

Dean looked pensive and he began to eat again in silence. Sam began to eat too, without saying a word. The rest of the meal was eaten in this fashion, in complete and total silence. Sam willed himself to remain calm as he finished the meal, knowing that whatever Dean chose, that he would be there, with him, to protect Dean from everything. After Sam finished, he looked up and watched as Dean finished eating. While chewing the last bite, Dean seemed to come to a decision. Swallowing, Dean seemed to take a moment to collect his thoughts before opening his mouth to speak.

"I…I think we should keep going."

"You sure? If we continue, I'll have to teach you everything on the go, and the both of us will be in constant danger. We'll have to start lying again, and trick the people we meet to complete our jobs. You sure you want to do that?"

"I…yeah I'm sure. Even if we have to lie, and even if we'll be in constant danger, I still want to continue. From what you've told me, we've saved a lot of people. What you…what we do is important to so many people. Even if no one knows what were doing, it's still important. Besides, could you really take a break? Get away from all of this and just…forget? Leave all of this behind and leave innocent lives to fend for themselves against things they don't even know exist?"

Sam was surprised at Dean's response when he heard his previous thoughts being echoed within them. He should have known Dean would have picked to keep going. He was still the same person, kind and caring, and also guarded and silly, never wanting to worry anybody and trying to take the weight of the world on his shoulders. Even if Dean had amnesia, he should have realized that his decisions would still be the same. Knowing Dean was waiting for a response he looked up and gave Dean a smile.

"Yeah, you're right; I couldn't just leave hunting like that. If that's what you think we should do, then that's what we'll do. We'll have to leave tomorrow, so let's just enjoy today, ok?" Dean nodded and smiled back at Sam, and they sat there for a moment just…happy.

After a minute or so, Sam stood up and said, "Here, I'll clear the table of this trash." Sam picked up the empty containers and tossed them in the trash. When he looked back he saw that Dean had moved to the sofa and was looking at him with an odd glint in his eyes. Sam smiled and walked toward him, thinking he knew what was going through Dean's mind. Before Sam had sat down and got comfortable, Dean had already pulled him in for a deep kiss. Sam was startled for a moment of Dean's boldness, but he quickly reacted, taking control of the kiss just like he had the night before. Sam pushed forward, never breaking the kiss, in order to have Dean lie back a little and get more relaxed. They stayed like that, hungrily exploring each other's mouths until Sam felt Dean's hand move slowly down his torso, toward the button of his jeans, stopping, as if asking for permission. As much as he wanted to continue this, Sam knew they had to stop. He still needed a shower, and they needed to talk about the finer details of when they were going to leave, and how this was going to work. Besides, they had the rest of the day to have some fun. It was better to get rid of all the annoying things now and then enjoy the rest of their day without _any_ distractions. Grabbing Dean's wrist, he slowly brought it up, and with all the willpower he had, broke the kiss. Dean opened his eyes and began to breathe heavily, looking at Sam curiously. Trying to catch his breath, Sam explained as best he could what he had just done.

"Sorry, Dean. You have no idea how much I want to do this, but right now, I need a shower. Besides, I want to work out the finer parts of how we're going to hunt."

"I thought you said we were going to enjoy the rest of our day. Besides, what's the point of taking a shower if you're just going to get dirty again?" Dean said, a sly smile on his face. Sam gave Dean another small kiss in apology before standing up.

"I know I did, but I want to get the unpleasantness over with so when we…enjoy ourselves later on we can do it without any distraction." Sam was about to move away when Dean grabbed his arm lightly.

"You can't just leave me like this, Sam." Dean said, the smile still in place.

Sam leaned down and whispered into Dean's ear. "Trust me, Dean; the wait will be worth your while." When Sam pulled away, he was blessed with seeing a faint blush creep on Dean's face. Sam chuckled and made his way toward the restroom. Right before he got inside, Dean called out.

"I'm keeping you to your promise, Sammy" Dean said, making Sam laugh. Sam entered the restroom, and began to take off his clothes. While he was removing his clothing, Sam used one hand to turn on the water. After he had gotten his clothing off, Sam focused on making the water the right temperature. It took a moment, but finally he got the water to be just right, not too hot and not too cold. He moved under the spray of water and felt his muscles get relaxed as the warm water washed away all of his tiredness. He stayed like that, relaxing under the spray for warm water until…

"OH FUCK!!" Sam shrieked as the water suddenly turned cold. Flinching away from the spray, Sam clenched his jaw as he had a humorless thought.

'_Someday, we're staying at a freaking hotel that never runs out of god damn hot water.'_

Suddenly, the door burst open, surprising Sam to the point where he almost yelled again.

"Sam, you alright?" he heard Dean say from behind the curtain.

It took Sam a second to calm himself before he answered. "Yeah, Dean, I'm fine. The hot water just ran out. I told you not to use all the hot water."

"I didn't use all of it. I left you some. I did take a while, but I'm sure there still should have been some hot water. At least 15 minutes worth or so."

"Yeah, 15 minutes my ass…"Sam said, rolling his eyes in sarcasm.

"Kiss my ass. In any case, has anyone ever told you that you scream like a girl, Sam?"

"Shut up." Sam knew that Dean would tease him right now, so he prepared for it.

"So what were you thinking about, Sammy? Have a little fantasy?"

"What?" Sam asked with a laugh.

"I'm sure there should have still been some hot water, so I guess you were thinking about something and turned on the cold water. Was it a fantasy or a dream you had last night?"

"It was neither"

"Oh, come on, don't give me that crap. I woke up for a few minutes I think around three and you were groaning. Not to mention something was pressing against the back of my thigh."

Sam laughed, despite turning a little red. He was sure he hadn't had any dreams, but maybe he had just forgotten. Either way, Sam thought this conversation was so funny compared to when they had had it a few days ago after he dreamt about Dean. Before Sam could say anything, Dean began to speak again.

"So, what did little Sammy dream about?" Dean asked, his voice innocent.

"None of your business." Sam replied, before realizing he had just added more fuel to the fire.

"So you did…" but Dean cut off and grew silent.

"Dean, you ok?" Sam asked, when he heard Dean stop talking.

"Yeah, Sam, I just got this weird feeling is all. Like we've done this before."

"We have. We had this same conversation a few days ago the morning we hunted the girl's spirit."

"A few days ago…" Dean said pensively.

Sam heard Dean trail off into uncomfortable silence. He did not want to break the silence, but Sam was getting uncomfortable, all thoughts of a shower gone. He was just about to speak when all of a sudden he heard a crash. Sam leapt out of the shower in a heartbeat, worried that something might have happened. He found Dean sitting in the corner on the floor, clutching his head with both hands. Without thinking, Sam moved down and brought Dean into his arms in an attempt to calm him down. Dean had tears streaming down his face, and he seemed to be in immense pain, his muscles tense, but his eyes wide open, as if watching something. Dean kept whispering the same thing over and over, and Sam struggled to hear it.

"A few days ago…oh god…make it stop…make it all stop…this is too much…make it stop…" Sam clutched Dean close to him and began to rock him in his arms trying to calm him down. Dean seemed to take no notice as he continued to cry and beg for all of it to stop. Sam knew that Dean must have been having a recollection, one far worse than the last time, and so he began to whisper comforting words into Dean's ear trying to help him calm down.

"Shh, it's ok. Just relax, it'll all be fine, ok Dean? Just focus on something happy. Shh, it'll be ok."

There they sat, Dean taking no notice of what was going on and Sam trying to get him back into the real world. After some time had passed, Sam felt Dean begin to come to his senses. Sam continued to rock him until he heard Dean whisper something.

"What?" Sam said, unable to make out what Dean had just said.

"I said," Dean whispered a little louder, his voice deadly, "Get the fuck off of me, you sick bastard."

"What?" Sam said, confused. Dean wouldn't say that, would he?

"Get the FUCK off of me!!" Dean yelled as he pushed Sam away with all his strength. Sam was unprepared for the shove and ended up falling on his ass. Dean walked out of the restroom, leaving Sam hurt and confused. Collecting himself, Sam walked outside, wanting to know what was wrong with Dean. He saw Dean simply standing by the wall, his back to Sam. Sam walked tentatively closer, until Dean was at arms length, but he did not get any closer.

"Dean, what's wrong?" Sam asked, worried about Dean's sudden change in attitude.

"Get the hell away from me you asshole" Dean whispered, sending shivers down Sam's back, causing him to pull away.

"Dean…" Sam tried gain, but he was cut off as Dean punched the wall with all his strength, punching a hole into it. Sam jumped at the action and at the noise. Sam was getting really worried now.

"Dean, what happened?" Sam asked, hoping Dean would just answer him.

At first, Dean didn't move. After a moment, Dean slowly turned around. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, but this isn't what Sam noticed. It was the hate and the anger pouring out of Dean's eyes. It frightened him. At first Dean didn't speak, but then he opened his mouth and aid something, his voice carefully neutral.

"I remember. Everything."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I was so shocked by all of the reviews and alerts/favorites that happened with the last chapter. There were so many. The only thing I have to say to all of you who reviewed and put me on alert/favorite is thank you so much. All of you rock. And I am so sorry that it took me so long to get this chapter out. I was taken to a ranch by a family friend (against my will, of course. It's so difficult to say no, when you are a high school student with a guilt complex.) and I was there the entire weekend without a computer. So I'm so sorry. To make it up to all of you I will make sure the next chapter comes out as quickly as I can. I don't know about this chapter. I think it's alright, but not great. I'm not sure, so any reviews would be greatly appreciated. Also, half of this was written in a sleep deprived state, so if there are any errors kindly point them out to me and I profusely apologize. Thank you all for being so understanding. Please review.

Summary: Sam and Dean woke up after sleeping together. They spend some time together, but Sam leaves to get them breakfast. When he returns, Sam asks Dean if he wanted to continue hunting demons while he didn't have his memory. Dean said that even if he didn't have his memory he still thought they should hunt. After breakfast, Sam takes a shower, promising Dean that what they would do afterwards would be worth the wait. However, Sma yelled when the hot water ran out and Dean barged into the restroom worried something had happened. After realizing that nothing was wrong, they have a conversation which trigers another flashback for Dean. Sam tries to comfort Dean, but is shoved away. Confused, Sam asked what was wrong. Dean responds that he remembers everything.

* * *

Chapter 9

"E-everything?" Sam repeated dumbly, his mind frozen by shock. Dean closed his eyes for a moment, as if trying to collect himself, or maybe to stop himself from doing something he would regret. When Dean reopened his eyes, his face was held carefully neutral, but all Sam could see was the hate Dean had been staring at him with only a moment ago.

"Everything…_little brother_" Dean confirmed, his jaw clenched tightly, the only show of emotion on his face. Sam didn't know what to do. He knew that trying to reach out and touch Dean would only backfire, but trying to talk to talk to Dean seemed like a foolish approach right now. Sam's usually quick mind was frozen by shock, unsure of what to do. However, before Sam could consider anything else, Dean began to speak.

"I'm only saying this once. Get dressed. After you're done, pack all your crap. Even without my memory…," Dean paused at this point, seeming to bite down on his tongue. The silence sent another wave of guilt surging through Sam. Dean continued speaking "…Even without my memory I kept some of my habits, like keeping everything packed, just in case. I'm going downstairs to pay for the hole in the wall, and to check us out."

"Wh-what?" Sam asked, confused

"If you're not down in a half an hour, I'm leaving without you." Dean continued, ignoring Sam's question.

"Dean, please, wait." Sam pleaded in a small voice, hoping Dean would listen.

"I've already told you, hurry up and get to it or I'm leaving." Dean said, with an edge to his voice.

"Dean, I…" but Sam was unable to finish his sentence as Dean cut him off.

"Sam, I know you're into the emotional, touchy feely crap, but right now you had better keep your mouth shut because I am not in the fucking mood to put up with it." Dean's voice was quiet, but it was filled with so much anger, that anything Sam had been planning to say just died on his tongue. Without waiting for a response, Dean walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him, leaving Sam stunned and feeling as if someone had just struck him across the face. Without his realizing, Sam's body began to move on his own, as if controlled by someone else, looking for clothing to wear. After he had donned some simple clothing, Sam began to pick up some of his things which were around the motel room. He had always been messy, and now was no exception. Sam felt as if he was in a daze, full of confusion and regret. His mind began to work properly once again, and thoughts began to race through his head, as if his mind decided to work twice as fast for failing him earlier.

'_Oh my god. This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was going to tell him. Just as soon as he felt ready to hear more. I should have told him as soon as he asked. I know that. I know he would've been furious, but I knew that if I had talked to him, he would've listened. He would've understood. I know he would have. But instead he remembered. Something happens that's only similar to what had happened a few days ago, and everything comes back to him in a flash. He looked like he was in so much pain when he was remembering, when he was begging for it to stop. Then he spoke again. I can still hear him, telling me what a sick bastard I am, and to get the fuck off of him. I can still see how he looked at me, so angry and full of hate, his eyes boring into my soul. God, he must hate me now. How could he not? I took advantage of him when he had no idea what was going on. He…I know he hates me. I…this…I've never felt so…empty. When I think about it, it makes me feel empty of everything, but sadness and regret. I don't think I can survive if he hates me. What am I supposed to do? What the hell am I supposed to do?'_

"What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?" Sam yelled, unbelievably angry at himself for being so stupid and selfish. Waves of self-loathing poured through Sam with unbelievable force, and he threw his bag, now full of his belongings, onto the ground as hard as he could. Sam felt tears sting and prick the backs of his eyes, but he was determined not to cry. Wiping away the tears with the back of one hand, Sam picked up his belonging (luckily, nothing had broken) and exited the motel room with a heavy heart, and a loud sigh. He slowly made his way to the Impala. If Dean had left without him, he could've cared less. It would've been nothing compared to what he deserved. Sam knew Dean would ignore the problem they had and that he would shut down, putting on a mask. This is what hurt the most; that Dean would shut him out. Dean had been so much more open when he didn't have his memory. Dean had tried to hide behind the mask when he had been hurt when he was still without memory, but Sam had been able to break it, and Dean had let him. But now the mask was back up, and Sam was afraid that he would not be able to break it this time. He made his way out of the motel and into the parking lot. He saw Dean sitting in the car, waiting with the trunk open. Sam put his bag into the trunk and walked to the door. He saw Dean through the window. What he saw broke his heart. Dean was watching him with a guarded, fearful expression, like a mouse watches a hawk. However, before Sam could fully take in the expression, Dean's face changed into his mask and he stared forward. Dean didn't say a word as Sam got into the car. As soon as Sam had gotten in, Dean turned on the car and began to pull out of the parking lot. Sam could feel the tension in the car, like a blanket over the both of them, making him extremely uncomfortable. As Dean began to drive, Sam began to shift uncomfortably. He knew he had to talk to Dean even if he didn't want to listen. When Sam had taken all of the silence that he could he began to speak.

"Dean listen, we need to talk"

"I already told you, I'm not in the mood to talk, or share my feelings in a chick flick moment, so let it go" Dean added the last part with a sarcastic tone which hurt Sam, but he ignored it and continued.

"Fine, then, you don't have to talk. Just listen. About what happened…" but Sam was unable to finish his sentence. While Sam was talking, Dean moved one hand to the radio. He began to play one of his tapes and raised the volume until Sam couldn't hear his own voice. Sam felt his words die on his tongue. He understood that Dean was upset; he couldn't blame him for that. He deserved far worse, but he couldn't help but feel hurt that Dean wouldn't want to talk to him at all. Feeling defeated, Sam began to stare out the window. He watched as people, other cars, and buildings passed by, thinking about what he should do.

'_I can't talk to him now. I don't want to alienate him anymore than I already have, but we need to talk about this. If I just let this be I could never live with myself. If I leave this up to Dean I know what'll happen. He'll pretend that nothing's wrong. He'll keep it all inside and he'll want to suffer alone. I can't let him do that. I just can't. I…I know that we can't be…together, but at least I want us to be ok. If we are never together again, I can live with that, but I can't live with Dean hating me. I…I'll be happy just being his brother. I don't want my mistake to ruin the relationship we had, even if I want more. I…I'll let him cool down for now. He needs space. I'll try to give him as much as I can for now. I want him to speak, but I know that if I don't push it, he'll never talk about it. He needs to get this out of his system. He needs to tell me he hates me and that he can't stand to look at me. If that helps him any then I would gladly hear that. But whatever he wants to tell me, he'll keep it a secret, until he can't take it any more. He can't…no he won't do that. Not this time. I need to give him space, but I need him to open up soon. I...we need to clear the air, even if what happens leaves me worse off. He deserve better than what I did.'_

Sam forced these depressing thoughts into the back of his mind. He began to stare out the window again, trying to keep himself from speaking. Sam shifted as he tried to get more comfortable in vain. Dean had not spoken a word since he had said he didn't want to talk, and Sam suspected Dean was thinking about what had happened even now. Hours passed with the music as the only noise in the car, neither brother making a sound. Sam tried to fall asleep so that he wouldn't try and speak to Dean again. At first, he couldn't fall asleep, tossing and turning as well as he could in his seat to try to find a way to get comfortable. After about two hours of trying to sleep, Sam was finally able to fall into a fitful sleep.

"_You make me sick, you know that, Sam?" Dean said, his voice full of hatred_

"_What?" Sam said, confused_

"_You're such an asshole."_

"_Dean, I know I what I did was wrong, but…" Sam was interrupted by Dean at this point._

"_How could you do something like that? To me, your brother?"_

"_Dean it wasn't like that"_

"_Wasn't like that, my ass. What, did you think I would never find out? Do you think I'm that stupid?"_

"_Dean please listen, I never meant to hurt you."_

"_Oh, you never meant to hurt me? Then you should have fucking told me the truth, not messed with my head."_

"_It wasn't as simple as that"_

"_You're right, it was simpler. You should have told me at first, but no, you kept it a big secret"_

"_I wanted to tell you, but it got complicated."_

"_Complicated? How the hell is it complicated?"_

"_Things happened. I know what I should have done, but you have to understand, I never meant to deceive you"_

"_You never meant to. That's all you ever say, but you never fucking mean it._

"_Yes, I do Dean. I didn't mean to"_

_You know what, fuck you. Just…you know what, fuck this."_

_Without saying another word, Dean turned around and began to walk away._

"_Dean, wait!" Sam yelled, but Dean ignored him as he continued to walk. Sam ran to try and catch up to Dean, but he ran into a wall. Looking around, he tried to see what had stopped him, but nothing was in front of him. Sam tried again, but whatever was there stopped him again. Sam began to frantically hit the invisible wall, trying to get it to disappear so that he could get to Dean. Sam tried to call out to Dean again, but he was ignored. Sam began to panic as Dean became a distant smudge in the distance, ignoring Sam's pleas to stop. Sam watched as Dean vanished, leaving him…alone, without anyone else. Dean was the only thing he had left. And now…he was gone. Forever._

"Sam!"

Sam jumped, startled by the loud yell. He tried to sit up when he realized he was already up. Sam looked around, trying to get his bearings. Dean…where was Dean? Sam looked to his left, and there was Dean. It looked like Dean had yelled to wake him up. The music had been turned off and the car was off. He looked outside. It was nighttime. Sam began to try and calm himself down as he tried to figure out what had just happened.

'_That…was a dream? Yeah, it was. It was just another stupid dream.'_

"Sam, are you ok?" Dean asked, his voice slicing through Sam's thoughts. Sam looked up to respond to Dean, but what he saw surprised him. Dean's eyes shone with concern and worry. He was taken aback that Dean would look at him like that.

'_He was worried about me? I thought he hated me.'_

"Sam?"

Realizing that he still hadn't responded, Sam quickly fumbled for words.

"Yeah, Dean, I'm fine. It was just a nightmare."

"You sure you're ok? You were thrashing pretty violently"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Sam was still a little shocked. Even Dean's voice sounded worried. Sam thought that he would never hear Dean say anything that wasn't hateful to him again. He was so happy Dean was worried about him, but it shocked him a little. Why would Dean sound like that if he hated Sam?

"Alright" Dean said, exiting the car. Sam heard the sudden change in tone of voice. Suddenly, Dean's mask was back on, and everything was back to the way it had been before. Sighing audibly, Sam exited the car himself and looked around. They were in a new town, in who knows where and in front of another ratty motel.

"Dean, where are we?"

"Just another small, middle of nowhere town. Dad still hasn't contacted us, so we're just supposed to lay low for now. We'll be staying here until we get new coordinates, so bring all our stuff. I'll go check us in."

Without another word, Dean passed Sam the keys and headed into the motel. Sam watched Dean leave regretfully and opened the trunk. Grabbing all of their belongings, Sam headed to the motel slowly. He entered and Dean began to follow the clerk to their room. Sam trailed behind, weighed down by their bags. Once the man had led them to their room he left with a nod. Dean opened the door and Sam walked in behind him. It was just like every other room. Putting down all of their things in between the two beds Sam sat down on one of the beds and looked at Dean who had sat down on his own bed. Uncomfortable silence settled between the two of them, like a blanket, and Sam shifted, desperately wanting to speak to Dean, but knowing that Dean would need more time. Before he could even begin to say anything, Dean stood up. Sam watched as his brother began to remove his shirt, revealing a white muscle shirt underneath, and took of his jeans. Sam watched confused. What was Dean doing? Sam continued to stare at Dean as he moved to turn off the light and got under the covers of his bed. Then it hit Sam. He was going to sleep.

'_Well what the hell were you expecting? A strip tease for your pleasure?' _Sam felt annoyed as even his own thoughts began to bite back at him. Shaking his head, Sam stood up and removed his own shirt and jeans. Getting under the covers, he heard Dean speak.

"Go to sleep. It's late, around 3 in the morning. I'll wake you if you have another nightmare." Dean had begun with a cold, expressionless voice but his final sentence had that same quavering note of worry Sam had heard in the car. It surprised Sam again.

"Night Dean." Sam heard no response. He began to toss and turn, trying to get comfortable. The guilt began to surge through his system, making it difficult for him to sleep. He knew that he needed to speak to Dean, but he understood that Dean needed space. Sam decided to at least wait until the next day until he would try to speak to Dean again. Time passed slowly as Sam tried to get comfortable. He looked at the clock. It was around 4am. He had been trying to fall asleep for about an hour. Finally, Sam sighed and knew that he would not get any sleep right now, so instead he chose to think about what was going on.

'_How could Dean be worried about me? I was such an asshole to him. I took advantage of him, I lied to him, and I haven't even apologized. I…I slept with him. What could Dean be thinking? He hates me…right? He has to. I have no right to ask for his forgiveness. What I did is beyond horrible. I wouldn't be surprised if he never spoke to me again. But why did he look at me like that when he woke me up? Why did he sound so worried? Is he worried? About me? Why? Why would he be worried? I don't deserve it. Does…could it be that he doesn't hate me? He…I know he's angry. Anyone would be, but does he hate me? I don't think he could be if he was worried about me, but it could just be my imagination. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I can't take this for much longer. I think I'll go crazy. Even if he says he hates me, he can't be bottling stuff up any more. He's been doing that for so long. The thought that it was Dad and me that forced him to be like that is just something else I shouldn't have done to him.'_

Sam began to toss and turn again, the thought of knowing that he had to speak to Dean sending waves of fear and regret coursing through his system. He knew that worrying would do no good for him, so instead he focused on trying to catch some sleep. Sam shifted and twisted, trying to find a comfortable position. After spending much time trying to force himself to sleep, Sam finally felt himself begin to drift off. However, just as Sam was about to fall asleep, he heard a noise. Sam was about to dismiss it, when he heard the same noise, only louder. Sam sat up, rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes to try and identify the noise. There was nothing but silence. Sam thought that maybe he was imagining things. He waited another moment, but he heard nothing. Sam was about to try to sleep again, when he heard a loud moan coming from the other bed.

'_Was that Dean?' _Sam thought as he turned to look at Dean. Dean's bed was messy, as if he had been tossing and turning. He watched as Dean continued to shift and twist, as if in the throes of a nightmare. Dean moaned again, and Sam began to get worried. Sam waited for a moment before deciding to wake Dean up. He was about to call out when Dean began to moan and groan again.

"Harder…" Dean moaned, a plea to someone in his dream. Sam was confused. What was going on? It took him another moment until he figured it out. Sam felt his face flush red as he understood what was going on.

'_He's dreaming. About someone. No wonder he keeps groaning.'_

Sam felt a small amount of jealousy creep into his stomach, but he pushed it down.

'_I have no right to be jealous of anyone Dean's thinking about. I had a chance, and I was an asshole.'_

Sam resigned himself to trying to ignore Dean and lay down again. He had closed his eyes when Dean began to moan again.

"Harder…Faster…Please, oh god harder. Please…don't stop…Sammy."

Sam's eyes shot open when he heard that. He felt his body begin to react, but he managed to push down all of his emotions and sensations. Sam stayed lying down, and looked as though he was asleep, but his mind was buzzing with thoughts.

'_He's dreaming about me? He is. He's dreaming about me, about what we did. Why? Why is he dreaming about it? Could…did…does he still…want this? Us? Why else would he be dreaming about it? But he hates me…doesn't he? He was so mad when he remembered everything. How could he still want it? Does he still want me? That's more than I can wish for, but maybe he does. Maybe he still wants me. But I was such an asshole. God this couldn't be any more confusing. He hates me, but he's dreaming about me. He thinking and wanting what we did, but he can't stand the sight of me. What do I do? I can't let him bottle this up. As soon as he wakes up, we're going to have to talk. We…I need to figure out what's going on.'_

Sam was startle out of his thoughts when he heard Dean yell, and sit up, breathing heavily. Sam heard Dean's breathing calm down and then he heard a small voice.

"I can't get him out of my head. Damnit, how does Sam do this to me?" Dean's voice sounded small and quiet, and dangerously close to tears. Sam was surprised to hear Dean sound so meek.

'_What does he mean?'_ Sam wondered as he considered confronting Dean about what he had just said. Deciding against it, Sam thought it best to wait until he would talk to Dean in the morning. Instead he opted to pretend like he had just woken up.

"Dean, what's wrong? Why are you still awake?"

Sam watched as Dean, who had his head in hands a moment ago, jump in surprise. Dean recovered as quickly as he could, and Sam watched as the mask reappeared on Dean's face.

"No reason, go back to bed." Dean, however, did not follow his own advice, as he headed into the restroom. Sam watched silently as Dean went inside. Much to his surprise he heard the shower begin to run. Sam laid back down and began to fall back into thought.

'_He looked like he was going to cry right now. I know he'll deny it, but I know he almost was. I…I don't know what to do. All I can try to do is talk and apologize to him. I would take anything from him right now if it meant to see a smile on his face again. I guess I can't do anything until tomorrow. Dean will either make or break me tomorrow. I guess it's the least he deserves.'_

Sam's thoughts began to trail off as he began to fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of the water. So far into falling asleep, Sam didn't hear the pounding of Dean's fist against the bathroom wall or the small strangle cry which came from the restroom.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: A big thank you to everyone who has reviewed. You are all my heroes. I am so surprised by the number of reviews that I have gotten and all of the people that have put this story on their favotites and alerts. Thank you to everyone. This chapter is a little longer than most of the others. I hope you enjoy it, and please review.

Summary: Dean remembered everything he had forgotten due to the blow to his head. Dean was so angry at Sam for betraying his trust and he proceded to ignore Sam for most of the day. Sam stayed in angiush for most of the day, afraid he had permanently hurt his relationship with his brother/ new lover. Sam fell asleep and had a nightmare that Dean left him forever. Dean woke Sam up, seemingly worried about him. They went to a motel, and Dean fell asleep, leaving Sam to his thoughts. Sam tossed and turned until he heard Dean moan. He was about to wake him up, when Dean revealed that he was dreaming about having sex with Sam. Sam was confused as to why Dean would do that, and became determined to talk to Dean the next day.

* * *

Chapter 10 

Sam awoke to large amounts of sunshine hitting his face. Shielding his eyes with his hand, he sat up, grumbling that he would never sleep by a window ever again. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he looked at the clock by the bed. It took a moment to focus his eyes, but he finally managed to read the time.

'_Eight in the morning?' _Sam groaned inwardly. '_My eyes feel like their on fire. Even though I slept while we were in the car, I didn't get much sleep last night.'_

Trying to wake up, Sam stood up and began to stretch, popping his back in the process. After undoing some of the kinks in his body, Sam yawned as he turned to look at Dean's bed. To his surprise, it was empty. Sam's blood ran cold as hundreds of different implications ran through his head.

'_Oh, god, where did he go? What if he ran away? What if he's hurt? He wouldn't leave without telling me goodbye, would he? God where could he be? He could be injured, or worse, dead, and I would have no idea.'_

At this point Sam's mind felt the need to show him every possible way Dean could have gotten hurt. At first it was simple, like a broken ankle, but as time passed by Sam began to pace around the apartment, thinking that what if he had been attacked by a demon or a werewolf. Maybe a vampire got to him. After an hour had passed, Sam was sure something had happened. He dressed, determined to find Dean as soon as he could. He made his way to the door, but right before he got to it, the door swung open, startling Sam. He looked into the doorway and felt relief pour over him. There stood Dean, bags in his left hand, but otherwise unharmed. Before Sam could help himself, he had pulled Dean into a crushing bear hug.

"Thank god, I was worried about you. I didn't know where you were. God, you scared the hell out of me. I was so scared you were hurt or killed"

Dean seemed surprised by the action, but made no move to do anything else. He just stood there, not moving, mot responding. After a moment, Dean spoke up.

"You mind letting me go, Sam?" Dean, said, his voice cold. Sam froze as he realized what he had just done. Moving away from Dean he fumbled for an apology.

"Sorry about that. I was just worried. You left without telling me."

Dean rolled his eyes. "I've done it before. Never seemed to bug you."

Sam pulled away even further, hurt by Dean's tone. He knew his brother was hurting, and that he deserved it, but Dean's cold, emotionless voice hurt him. Sam moved away from the door so Dean could come in. Without a word, Dean got inside the motel room and put the bags down on the kitchen table. Sam watched as Dean began to slowly pull things out of the bag. He realized what Dean had done. He had gone to buy breakfast. Sam would have laughed at some point if this had happened in the past, but right now, nothing seemed funny. Sitting opposite of Dean he grabbed the take out container Dean had handed to him. Sam opened the container and began to eat in silence. Dean sat down and ate in equal silence. Sam kept watching Dean, trying to get up the courage to talk to him. However, now that he was here, Sam realized that he had no idea how to begin. He felt the same uncomfortable feeling he had been feeling all of yesterday settle in the pit of his stomach. Unsure of how to begin, Sam simply continued to eat until Dean broke the silence.

"Is there a reason why you keep staring at me?"

"Wh-what?" Sam managed to stutter out. Dean's sudden speaking caused his throat to tighten.

"Never mind, forget it." Dean replied, eyes cold. Dean pushed away his food and stood up, moving toward the restroom.

Sam shot up from his seat and tried to stop Dean.

"Dean, wait" Sam said, grabbing Dean's right hand, trying to get Dean to stop. As soon as he grabbed Dean's hand, he felt Dean's muscles tighten and his face contort in a small grimace of pain. Immediately, Sam pulled his hand away as if he had been burned. Dean sighed and gently put his right hand into the pocket of his jacket as he turned around. Sam was surprised. What had just happened?

"What is it, Sam?" Dean said, his jaw clenched in what seemed like pain.

"What was that?" Sam asked, wondering what had just occurred.

"What was what? Hurry up; I don't have all day to be talking to you." Dean's voice was expressionless and his eyes cold. Sam pushed down the hurt that was sent flaring through his system and instead chose to focus on Dean's hand.

"What's wrong with your hand?" Sam asked, hoping in vain Dean would just give in.

"Nothing, my hand's fine."

"Fine my ass. Let me see your hand."

Dean hesitated for a moment, before seeming to decide that fighting was just not worth it. Dean slowly pulled his hand out of his pocket and held it out for Sam to see. Dean's hand was covered in bandaging. Slowly undoing the bandage, Sam removed it all so he could get a look at Dean's hand. What he saw made him sick to his stomach. Dean's knuckles were a sickening dark blackish purple, a color flesh should never be. Gently feeling the hand, Sam gingerly touched it, earning another grimace from Dean.

"What happened?" Sam asked still examining the hand.

"Nothing" Dean responded, snatching his hand away from Sam in a child-like gesture.

"Dean, please, just talk to me. That isn't nothing. Did you do that yourself?"

"This isn't any of your business, Sam. Stay out of where you're not welcome."

"Dean, it is my business if you're hurting yourself. I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt." Sam couldn't help but feel hurt that Dean would tell him to stay out. He tried to shake it off while he made another attempt to talk to Dean.

"What happened? To your hand I mean."

"Nothing happened to my hand. It'll heal in a few days. Forget about it"

"Dean, please, just tell me."

"Look, I already told you, it'll be fine. Just let it be."

"Did you do that because of what happened? Your amnesia and all of that?" Sam said in a soft voice. He knew that sounded callous, but he needed a way to begin, and he knew Dean wouldn't speak until Sam pushed him against the wall.

"I'm not talking to you about that. I already told you, I don't feel like it. This is the last time I'm telling you. **Drop it**." Dean's voice was low, dangerous. Sam couldn't help but feel slightly foolish as he continued.

"Dean, we need to talk about what happened. You can't pretend like nothing's wrong"

Dean turned around and Sam jumped slightly. Dean's face showed so much anger that Sam felt slightly afraid. While he was sure Dean would never hurt him, he remembered that, while Dean had more patience than he did, Dean's temper was far more dangerous.

"Sam, for once in your fucking life, just learn to drop it. You always push and push until I snap. I already told you, forget it. Why won't you just…you know what, screw this"

Dean pushed his way passed Sam, trying to get to the door of the motel room. Sam grabbed Dean's right arm, making sure to stay clear of his hand and tried to stop Dean.

"Dean, I can't just drop it. This is important. Please, I want to apologize and…" but Sam was cut off by Dean.

"Oh, you're sorry? Well fucking great, that fixes everything." Dean said, his tone sarcastic

"Dean…"Sam tried again, but Dean ignored him as he went on.

"Yeah, so long as you're sorry it doesn't matter."

"Dean, please, be serious. You…we need to talk about this."

"You really want to talk about this Sam? You really want to talk about how much of an asshole you were? How you took advantage of me?"

"Dean, it wasn't like…You just need to release everything. You can't keep this bottled up."

"It's worked for me before" Dean snapped, pulling on his arm, but Sam had a firm grip on it.

"Dean. You know as well as I do that it doesn't work. Just talk to me." Sam pleaded, knowing he was pushing his luck.

"God damnit Sam! For once, can't you just understand? Why the fuck do you have to keep pushing?! I don't want to talk about this. I really don't." Dean yelled, causing Sam to flinch and release Dean's arm. To his surprise, Dean didn't pull away, but instead he stayed right where he was, too angry to think.

"Even if you don't, I know it'll help. Just please. I don't want you to hold things in inside anymore. I really do care about you."

To Sam's surprise, Dean began to laugh.

"You're so fucking confusing. You know that Sam? First you win my trust. Then you screw me over. Now you're worried about me. What the fuck is it with you?"

"Dean, listen. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never meant to screw you over. Please, you have to understand. I'm so sorry."

"And now we're back to sorry. Why the hell do you keep saying that? Don't tell me it's because you mean it."

Sam was taken aback by the vehemence in Dean's voice. Trying to recover, Sam began to speak once again.

"Dean, of course I mean it. I'm so sorry I hurt you. What I did was wrong and I deserve anything you say or do."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

"It's not bull Dean. I really am sorry"

"Then why did you do it?" Dean's voice lowered an octave, becoming quieter.

"That…well…" Sam stuttered, but before he could continue Dean cut him off.

"Tell me something Sam. What the hell was going through your head when you decided to screw with me?" Dean's voice dropped even more. At this point it was no more than a whisper.

"Dean, I never meant to screw with your head. I never meant for any of this to get so out of hand."

"I…I don't want…" however, before Dean could say what he wanted, Sam cut him off.

"Dean, I heard you. While you were dreaming." Sam said, hoping that Dean might be caught off guard and hoping he could get Dean to talk about what was going on in his head.

"What?" Dean asked, his voice sounding suddenly afraid.

"You were dreaming about me, weren't you?" Sam asked, hoping Dean would give him a straight answer.

"I…I…" unexpectedly tears began to stream down Dean's face. Sam's heart jumped when he saw the tears and moved a hand to wipe them away. However, Den swatted his hand away roughly.

"Don't touch me, Sam"

"Dean…"Sam didn't understand what was going on, but he was certain about one thing. He had broken Dean's mask. Whatever would come after this is what they would have to deal with.

"Yeah, Sam, are you happy? I'm a freak. I'm a sick bastard who's in love with his brother. I can't get you out of my head and I dream about sleeping with you. God, why did you do this to me? I could have kept this hidden. I could have kept ignoring this, but then you came and everything screwed up." The tears were falling fast and hard now, and Dean's eyes were so full of pain. Dean's voice rose in pitch several times, breaking the words into bits, and it sounded raw, like the inside of Dean's throat had been scratched.

"Dean, what do you mean?" Sam closed his eyes for a moment. Seeing his brother look like he was in pain made him feel horrible and the fact that he had caused it just made him feel even worse.

"I could have kept ignoring all of it. I could have kept pretending that what I felt was just what any older brother would feel for his little brother."

"What?" Sam asked confused.

'_He didn't know we were brothers. What does he mean?'_

"Yeah, Sam, I've liked you ever since we were kids. When we got older and you were in high school I kept getting these weird feelings. I…was falling in love with you, although I kept denying it. We're related. We're brothers. I've watched out for you since we were kids. I've taken care of you since before you can remember and as long as I can remember, but I guess it's normal. I really didn't have a connection with anybody else. Dad was there, but he was so obsessed with hunting. I never spoke to anyone else. Not for real. I…never opened up to anyone before but you. That made you my only friend I guess."

Sam gasped, shocked.

'_Since high school? For that long? Same as me?'_

"I was going to tell you. I didn't think I could keep denying it for very longer. But…then you left. And I was left. Alone. I was so happy for you. You could have the life you always wanted, away from hunting and monsters, but I was left behind. I…sort of shut down after that. Dad thought I was mad at you, but…I just thought at that point that you should stay away from us and be happy. And I learned to keep things inside. It took me so long, but I managed to suppress what I felt about you."

"Why didn't you come after me?" Sam asked softly

Dean wiped his eyes with his arm before he continued.

"I almost did. I went up there a few times. I would drive up and I was going to tell you. But when I saw you there, happy, I didn't want to take that away from you, so I would leave every time. I watched you laugh with some of your friends and I couldn't help it. I would smile, so happy that you were, but so sad that I couldn't make you happy." Even though Dean had tried to wipe away the tears, it didn't matter. They continued to fall, sliding down his cheeks, trails of sadness and pain.

"You should have talked to me." Sam stated quietly.

"I did, remember? I sent you letters every now and then. You never replied. After a while, Dad just told me to face that you forgot about us and you didn't want to hear from me anymore. That was the day I buried what I had felt about you and I threw myself fully into hunting, to distract myself until I could forget."

Sam felt sadness sweeping through his entire body. Tears began to prick the back of his eyes again, but he forced them down. He could break down later. Right now he had to focus on Dean and trying to fix what he had done.

'_I was right. The reason Dean learned to bottle things up is because of me. Although I never expected it was because he was in love with me.'_

"Then Dad went missing. I was so nervous when I thought about going up to your college to tell you. At first I thought I couldn't do it, but before I knew it, I was knocking on your door. When I saw you, everything came back in a rush. Everything I had managed to hide and place deep inside of me came out again. I was actually thinking about telling you. That night, while we were talking about dad I almost blurted it out. Then Jess walked in and I realized that I should just keep my mouth shut. I tried to push everything down and instead focused on the mission. When I saw how hesitant you were about leaving your life, I wanted to take it all back and just leave. I could have found Dad on my own and just left you to your happy life. But I wanted to see you and…I thought that at least we could be brothers… or friends like we were before you left. When I saw how you reacted when Jess died I decided that I would force the feelings to disappear. It was hard at first, but I managed to keep everything down. I still dreamt about you, but you never woke up. I was glad for small mercies. I liked to mess with you though, like when we met Margaret. At times like that I could pretend and be happy. Every time I helped you with your nightmares, I convinced myself that even if I couldn't be…with you I could at least help you out. I was happy being able to do that." Dean's eyes had glazed over at this point. Tears still fell, but his eyes seemed far away, as though watching everything he was talking about.

"Dean…" Sam was speechless. Dean was finally opening up to him. And everything he was telling him was just overwhelming. The sheer emotion in Dean's voice, the sadness, the defeated tone, and the false happiness was enough to make Sam want to take Dean away from all of it. Take him away from all of it permanently and make him smile again, laugh again.

"And then I lost my memory. When I woke up, I have to admit, I was kind of scared. I didn't know anything. Where I was, why I was there. But when I saw you all of that went away. Just the sight of you was enough to calm me down. When I called out to you and you hugged me, it made me nervous, and a little flustered. When I didn't know what was going on, you helped me to try to understand, at least at the time I thought you were. I know better now." Sam felt a pang of guilt, but Dean continued to speak.

"You told me things and I just accepted them as the truth. I trusted you without a second thought and I couldn't understand why, but I didn't care. I…I ended up falling in love with you _again._ And when I acted on it and you pushed me away, I was so scared. I had alienated the only person who knew me and so I ran, angry at you and myself. When you found me I wanted to ignore you, but you saved me from that guy and then you kissed me. When we went back and then we talked, you made me understand, but I didn't know why you were so hesitant. When…when we had sex, it was the best feeling I had ever felt. It felt like fire, like lighting, like flying, and like so much more. It was exciting, it was terrifying, and it was…I still can't describe it. It was so soft and you were so gentle. It made me feel like…I don't know, like I was special. When we woke up, I felt so happy. I had sex with someone I truly loved and that was different than any of the other times I had done it, although I didn't remember at the time that I had had sex. I guess that makes it the equivalent to my first time."

Sam had millions of question swirling through his head, but he knew they would have to wait. He didn't want to interrupt Dean and he still needed to explain how sorry he felt.

"Then I remembered everything. It was so painful. It felt like someone was driving a knife through my head. I just wanted it to go away. Things kept flashing through my head and I kept seeing things I had done. At first I didn't understand, but then it was like everything fell into place. I remembered everything. It was like taking my body back from someone, but at the same time being the person who had stolen my body. When everything fell into place and I remembered what had happened, what we had done…I felt so hurt. At first I couldn't believe you could do something like that, but then everything clicked. Why Sam? Why would you do that to me?"

"Dean, I never meant to hurt you. I…I didn't tell you that we were brothers for a selfish reason. I'm so sorry. The next day, I felt so guilty about it and I tried to tell you, but that flashback seemed like too much for you and you asked me not to say anything new until you felt you were ready."

"You still should have told me Sam. I didn't deserve to be kept in the dark. Why didn't you tell me? What was your important reason? What was so important you lied to me? Told me we were friends? Made me fall in love with you? Why?" Dean's voice began to rise in anger again, his face contorting in anger, even though tears still fell from his eyes.

"Dean, I didn't tell you because…I…" Sam was so nervous about what he was about to say. What if, in anger, Dean just shunned him? However before he could continue Dean interrupted him.

"Well, what was it? Out with it!" Dean demanded

"I…it was because…" Sam felt his throat become dry and closed up. He couldn't form the words, fear overtaking him. Dean began to speak once again, in a voice full of anger.

"That's what I haven't been able to figure it out. Why would you lie to me? Why would you do something like that? What were you thinking? That it would be fun to mess with me? What was going through your head? 'Hey he doesn't know what's going on, and he seems to like me. I could have some fun with this.' Is that what you were thinking? Is that why you turned me into your little fuck toy? To have some fun with me? So that you could get laid whenever you fucking pleased? Was that it?"

"No! Dean it wasn't like that at all!" Sam was shocked Dean could ever think that he would ever do anything like that.

'_Although what else could it look like to him considering the way I acted?'_

"Really? It wasn't?" Dean's voice was incredulous as if daring Sam to say he was wrong.

"Dean, I would never do anything like that to you."

"Then why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie to me? Why?!" Dean's voice, soft and angry at first, became harsh and demanding at the end.

"Because…Because I thought I might finally have a chance with you." Sam stated, forcing his eyes to stay focused on Dean, even though he would like nothing more than to look away.

'_This is it. Whatever he says now will either be the end of our relationship or the beginning of something new. I'm leaving everything in Dean's hands. I deserve whatever he says now. He's in love with me, or at least he was. That makes me so happy. But what if my mistake costs me everything? What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? I love him. I will always be in love with him. I hope that whatever he decides makes him happy. Even if it breaks my heart' _Sam braced himself for whatever Dean would say next.

"What?" Dean whispered, all anger gone, instead replaced by confusion. Sam grabbed Dean and led him to one of the beds where they sat down. Luckily, Dean seemed too confused to protest.

"I…I love you Dean. I've…I've always loved you. I fell in love with you in high school. At first it was just admiration, but then it began to change over time. Eventually it changed into love and lust. It terrified me. At first I denied it, but after a while I knew I couldn't just make my feelings disappear. They intensified as soon as I accepted them, so I have to assume that I've always felt this way, and only noticed it when I got into high school. I…I was afraid. I have always wanted a normal life, but I want to be with you even more. But I was afraid you would reject me. I couldn't stand the thought of you being disgusted by me. So I left when I was done with high school."

Tentatively, Sam reached out to touch Dean's shoulder. When he didn't move or flinch, Sam took it as a good sign and moved his hand to wipe the tears that began to flow even faster now. Sam felt tears prick the backs of his eyes as he continued to recall, and this time, he let them fall. Moving so he could rest against the backboard of the bed, Sam gently pulled Dean to his chest, reveling in the fact that Dean let him. Hugging him tight, Sam continued his narrative.

"I almost went back so many times. I had finally gotten the normal life I had always wanted, but it felt so empty without you. After a while I managed to suppress my feelings, although I thought of you almost every day. I did get those letters you sent me."

"Then why didn't you ever respond?" Dean's voice came out soft and broken

"I was scared. I tried, but every time I wrote one, I would toss it out. It was better you thought that I didn't want to remember you than you know that I was in love with you. At least that's what I thought"

"What about Jess?" Dean asked, seemingly afraid. Sam felt a pang of guilt at the sound of her name, but he pushed it down. He had to focus on Dean now. She would have wanted that anyway.

"She and I were…never together. Everyone thought we were, and she pretended that we were, but it was all a lie. When I got there, the both of us bonded really quickly. She and I had a lot of the same interests and it really helped. She became my best friend and my confidant. I told her…everything, except for the demons and such. She didn't deserve to know horrible things like that. When I told her I was in love with you, I was afraid she would reject me, but she just said ok. I thought she was crazy, but she just said 'Who am I to judge how you find love? The world is changing. Who knows what might happen? Something that may seem wrong now may change into something natural later. If you find love, you should tell them what you're feeling, no matter who they are. True love is rare, and when it is found, it should always be cherished. Hold on to it tight, before it escapes forever and you're left with nothing but regret. If you let it escape, or if you never get a chance to say it, then your entire life will be plagued with what ifs. No one should ever live like that.' When I asked why she was doing this for me, she just said that she didn't feel like being with someone during college, and that I would drive anyone away. It was kind of a joke with us. She helped set me up on dates with some guys, but no one ever caught my eye. There were a few nights where I would sleep with them in what was usually drunken sex, but it never became anything. They paled in comparison to you. I was stuck in love with you. And when I saw you, the feelings resurfaced. I've tried to keep them down, but it was getting harder and harder. When I saw a chance I took it. I am so sorry I would ever do something like that to you. You don't deserve to be lied to. Not now, not ever. Please, forgive me. What I did was wrong. I know that now, but I was just so desperate. I'm sorry." Sam kissed the crown of Dean's head, trying to show Dean how much he cared with the simple gesture.

"Sammy…" Dean said, using the nickname for the first time since he had gotten his memory back. His tears had stopped, but here were still tear stains on his face.

"Do you hate me?" Sam asked, tentatively.

"That's what frustrates me the most. No matter what you would do, I would never hate you. I love you too much to hate you."

"So do you forgive me?"

Dean didn't respond.

"Please, Dean, give me another chance. I…if you love me too, then I want to ask for another chance. I know I don't deserve it. Please, I want a chance to do this right. No lies. No deception. Just you and me."

"…No" Dean said, his voice small and sad.

"What?" Sam said, his heart clenching painfully.

"I…can't."

"Dean…" Sam said, his heart beginning to break. Before he could continue, Dean spoke, pulling away from him. Tears began to fall once more from Dean's eyes, but he wiped them away before they could continue.

"Sam, I can't. I love you. I can't stop thinking about you, but…I don't think I can trust you. If you took advantage of me while I didn't know what was going on, what else would you do?"

"Dean, please, just give me another chance." Tears began to stream down Sam's cheeks faster and faster as he felt fear, cold fear that Dean would reject him.

"I…can't. I'm so scared that if I trust you, I'll get hurt again. And I can't stay here with you and not wonder what it would be like… if we were together."

"Dean, please…I love you" Sam said, his voice breaking and his hands trembling.

"I love you too, but…I'm sorry, Sam. I…I think we should go different ways. Hunting isn't right for someone like you. You're too fragile. Everything affects you too much. You should go back to your college life. I'll take care of the Demon and Dad. I know you'll be happier that way."

Sam watched, stunned as Dean made his way to the door, unable to form words. Sam watched as Dean seemed to hesitate, turning around, sorrow and regret filling his eyes before opening the door and walking out, breaking Sam's heart to pieces as he left.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I wish to thank the large number of reviewers form the last chapter. I got so many reviews it was amazing. So to all of you, I say, you ROCK! I apologize for the delay in this update. I had no internet, so I could not get to my acount. Thankfully, we have it back. I was originally going to make this the last chapter, but it would have been too long that way. So the next chapter will be the last. Anyway, enjoy and please review.

Summary: Sam forces Dean to talk about the problem between them. Dean reveals that he has been in love with Sam, just like Sam had been in love with him. Dean speaks about how betrayed he felt when Sam did that to him. Sam apologizes profusely, sorry he had hurt Dean so much. Sam asks Dean for another chance, so that he can do everything right. Dean refuses, saying he didn't know if he could trust Sam, and afraid of getting hurt. Dean tells Sam to leave hunting and go back to college before walking out the door.

* * *

Chapter 11

Sam stared at the door from the bed, stunned as tears fell from his eyes. He made no move to wipe the tears away or to close the door. He just looked at the door, wide open, pain overtaking every part of his body. All he could think of was the thought that Dean had left, for real, and he was never coming back. Sam did something he had not done since he was a child. He sobbed, openly, freely, pulling his knees to his chest. Hugging his knees to his chest, he sobbed, filled with pain and sadness. Thoughts seemed to move through his head slowly and time seemed to slow as pain seemed to surge through his body with each heartbeat.

'_This…doesn't feel real. All of this…it feels like a dream. Except the pain. I know that's real. It hurts and I know I can't fix it. Dean's…gone…forever. I…can't believe it. I…don't have anyone left. Jess's gone and now Dean's…gone too. This can't be right. Why? Why did Dean leave? Why did it have to be this way? Why? He…he said he loves me. I love him too, so…why? Why? Why, damnit, why!? I'm alone now…oh god, I'm alone.'_

The second he thought about being alone, he thought back to all of the times he and Dean had spent time together. When they were left together while their father hunted when they were little. Every time Dean helped him through a nightmare. When they were little and Dean let him sleep in his bed. Every time Dean had stayed with him while he was sick. Every time they had messed with each other when he was a teenager. When Dean had gotten drunk and began to butcher all of the metal songs he knew. When Dean had started talking about fear all of a sudden. Sam paused on that one for a moment, thinking it over as the memory washed over him. He was grateful for the slight reprieve. It kept his mind off of the loneliness, at least for a moment.

Flashback

_It was when he was 17 years old. Sam had been lying on his bed with the lights off. It was dark out and the room was pitch black. He had been thinking about Dean, or rather his relationship with him. His feelings for Dean had changed. Try as he might to ignore them, the new feelings would not go away. It scared him. That he was thinking about his brother this way. Like more than a brother or a friend. He had not spoken more than a few words to Dean that entire week. He was afraid Dean would find out. Sam had just begun to drift off when his door swung open, shedding light on his room. Sam instinctively shielded his eyes with one arm, irritated that someone had come in and bothered him. He called out to whoever was there._

"_What? I'm trying to sleep." Sam said, not holding back any of his annoyance._

"_Really, Sammy? Last I checked, people don't fall asleep fully dressed" A voice came from the doorway, dripping with sarcasm. Sam's body stiffened when he recognized the voice of who was at the door. Moving his hand from his eyes, he opened his eyes tentatively, hoping he was wrong. He wasn't. Dean was at the door, leaning against the doorway._

"_I was tired and I kinda just fell on the bed." Sam said defensively, hoping Dean would get to the point and then leave. When Dean didn't speak any more, he cleared his throat, uncomfortable. "So, what's up, Dean? Why'd you come up here?"_

_Dean walked inside the room, closing the door behind him. The room was pitch black again for another moment, until Dean flipped the switch in the room. Sam blinked, his eyes watering, until they got used to the light. He watched as Dean made his way toward his bed, his heart beginning to pump faster and faster. When Dean sat down a little closer to Sam than he would have liked, Sam felt his heart skip a beat and begin to flutter again, quicker than before. Swallowing, Sam tried to figure out when his throat had gotten so dry._

"_What's wrong, Sam?" Dean asked_

"_Wh-what do you mean?" Sam asked, trying to avoid any conversation by acting innocent._

"_You've been avoiding me for a week. What's wrong?"_

"_Dean, I haven't…" but Sam could not complete his lie as Dean sent his a hard glare and interrupted._

"_Yes, you have. Why?"_

_Sam sighed in defeat, knowing that he couldn't avoid Dean forever._

"_Sorry, Dean. I guess I have been. I've just been…preoccupied."_

"_With what?" Dean asked, sounding concerned._

"_Just…with some things. I don't want to talk about them."_

"_You sure, Sammy?" Dean asked, moving his hand to Sam's shoulder. Sam shuddered slightly at the slight contact, but Dean didn't seem to notice._

"_Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Just…it's complicated, and…well, I'm just not ready to talk about it."_

_Dean nodded and responded, "Alright, then. When…if you're ready to talk, just come and find me. I'll be waiting." Sam nodded that he understood and Dean stood up. Dean began to head toward the door, but seemed to pause as he opened it. Instead of leaving, Dean turned around hesitantly and seemed to have a question for Sam. Sam waited, but Dean made no move to speak. Sam waited for another moment before asking him what was going on._

"_What's wrong Dean?"_

"_Sam…what are you the most afraid of?"_

_Sam frowned at the question. "Where'd that come from?"_

"_Just answer the question"_

_Sam thought for a moment. He had always been cautious, more so than both his brother and his father, who could be considered mavericks. Yet, when he thought about it, he couldn't think of one thing he was truly afraid of. His caution was just a way to balance out his brother's erratic behavior._

"_Umm…I don't really have a biggest fear."_

_Dean nodded as if he understood and turned to leave._

"_Hey, Dean, hold on. Why'd you ask?"_

"_Just wanted to know. I'm gonna go see if dad needs any help fixing the car."_

"_What's yours? Your fear I mean." Sam called out from the bed before Dean could leave. Dean seemed to hesitate for a moment before turning to look Sam in the eyes._

"_Being alone. I can't function without having someone to help…or having someone help me. Without you or dad…I don't think I would last long." Dean left before Sam could ask any questions. Sam sat on his bed, confused at what had just happened. Why had Dean wanted to talk about that? Was Dean afraid of losing Sam? That was all Sam could think of. However, the next time he saw Dean, Dean had acted like the conversation had never happened. Sam shrugged it of, and instead focused on trying to be Dean's brother, nothing more._

End Flashback

Sam thought back on the memory for another moment before returning back to the real world. Sam focused his eyes on the empty motel room and felt another sharp stab run through his chest. Standing up, he moved and closed the door, knowing that there was no reason to keep it open. After he had closed it, Sam sank down onto the bed again, unsure of what to do next. Sam wiped away the tears in a vain attempt to try to stop them. It didn't help and after another minute, they began to flow even quicker. He looked to his side, through the window. Outside, it was sunny and bright. Normally, he would have thought of what a pretty day it was, but now all he could think of was how horrible the day had begun. He sighed, depression setting into his mind. What was he going to do now? What _**could**_ he do now? Sam's mind went back to the memory.

'_He's afraid of being alone. And now I'm the one who's alone. So is he. We're both alone now. I guess being alone really is something to be afraid of. I left after I graduated, but at least I knew that he…and I were alright. We might not have spoken for all that time…but I knew I could go back if I wanted or needed to. But now…he doesn't want anything to do with me. What did I do? How could I have screwed up the only constant in my life? The only person who keeps me sane, who knows everything about me? And I can't fix it. That's the hardest part. I might have fought with Dean before, but at least I knew that with time it could be fixed. But he…he asked to leave. To go as far away from him as I could, back to college. And I can't. I can't go back, not now. He told me I was too fragile for this life. But that's wrong. He's the fragile one. He won't admit it…and sometimes I don't see it, but he's more fragile than I am. I depend on him for so much. I look up to him as a hunter and as an older brother, but…he's really more fragile than I am. He hides. He hides behind that mask of his. He hides behind all of the mischief and the cocky attitude, but these past few days he's had to rely on me…and he seemed so fragile. Like a thin piece of glass I could hold between my fingers. So beautiful and yet so easy to break. When something hurts him, all he does is try to ignore it and try to forget it, but unless he talks about it, he never gets over it. That's what Dad and I have done to Dean. God…we depend on him so much that we don't see when he needs help. But now there's nothing I can do about it. I can't talk to him anymore. He doesn't want to hear me. Something else too. Whenever I needed to talk, Dean would be there, ready to listen, and help if he could. But he would never push, not like I do when I think we need to talk. Every time we fight I push until he can't take it anymore. And I shouldn't do that. Sam deserves to talk when he's ready, not when I feel like he's ready. I guess that's just another wrong I've done to him. I...I love him…God, I love him. And he loves me too. So why is this so hard? Why can't we be together? Why did things have to end this way? I made a mistake…I know that. I know that I hurt Dean. I know that I deserve Dean hating me and such, but…we could actually be together, if Dean gave us a chance. God…without Dean there's no one left. No Jess. No dad. And now…no Dean. Dean doesn't have anyone to talk to. No one to help him. Neither do I. I don't have anyone to talk to. Anyone to help me through this.'_

Sam felt the depressing thoughts stop suddenly at the fact that he and Dean now had no one to talk to. Sam thought for a moment. He did have someone he could talk to about this. He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He looked inside and found what he was looking for. The paper with Margaret's number. What he wanted nothing more to do right now was to find Dean, to make him understand, to show him how much Dean meant to him, but right now, he needed to talk to someone. He just needed to vent everything that was going on. As he dialed the number he glanced at the clock. It was now 10:30 in the morning. Dean had left around 30 minutes ago. They had fought for about an hour before Dean had…left. Sam shook his head and instead focused on his phone. He waited. One rings, two rings, before…

"Hello?" a voice said through the phone speaker.

"M-Margaret?" Sam said with difficulty. His throat felt closed off and raw, so it was hard to speak.

"Yes, who is this?" Margaret asked

"It's Sam" Sam managed to choke out before deciding to go get a glass of water.

"Oh…Sam. What's wrong? You sound horrible."

Sam quickly drank the water before saying, "A lot is wrong right now"

"What happened, Sam? Is this about Dean?"

Sam was surprised at her quick deduction.

"Yeah…it is. How was your son's wedding?" Sam asked, hoping to get a few moments to calm himself down. He could still feel the tears, just waiting to fall, so he needed to try and relax.

"It was great. He looked so handsome. And his bride was just…it was beautiful. They looked so much in love. It was just incredible. But I know that's not why you called. What happened with Dean?"

Sam tried to keep calm, but hearing someone sat something was wrong just made it seem more real to him and a few tears fell from his eyes. Quickly wiping them away, he tried to speak, but before he could say anything, Margaret spoke again.

"It's ok, Sam. Just take a few minutes to get yourself under control. Take your time."

"No, I'm fine."

"If you're sure. Go ahead then. When you're ready."

Sam almost smiled at the motherly tone in her voice.

"Ok. Margaret do you remember the conversation we had before you left?"

"Yes, of course I remember"

"Well, afterwards, I went back to our room with the food you gave us. Thank you by the way."

"It was nothing"

"I was going to talk to Dean about what we had talked about just as soon as he had woken up. But when I got up there, I found him convulsing on the bed. He was having a nightmare. I woke him up and he started crying. I held him while he cried, until he was ready to talk. When he was speaking, I realized that what he had been dreaming was actually something that had happened in the past."

"What was he remembering that it was so bad he was convulsing?" Margaret asked, a little worried.

"I…I'm not allowed to say. It's enough to say he's had a traumatic life."

"Alright" Margaret said, sounding as if she understood.

"So I told him what he had been dreaming about was actually a recollection. It scared me to see him like that, so hurt and open, but I knew I just had to deal with it. Eventually he calmed down. After he calmed down and understood what had happened I told him that there was something that I should have told him, but hadn't."

"And then you told him y'all were brothers, right?" When Sam didn't answer, Margaret asked again, her tone harder. "You did tell him right?"

"I tried to, Margaret, I tried. But when I told him there was something about who he used to be that I hadn't told me, he asked me not to tell him. I kept telling him how important it was, but when I saw how afraid he was about remembering anything else I just couldn't."

"Sam…" Margaret said, her tone soft.

"I know I should have told him, but he was just so damn afraid. I didn't want him to be afraid, so I made him promise to come to me when he thought he was ready so that I could talk to him. We spent the day watching TV, just enjoying ourselves. At night, Dean went to use the restroom while I drank some water. When Dean came back we talked for a while and he…ended up kissing me."

"He kissed you?"

"Yeah, he did. At first, I just responded, but then I remembered he didn't know everything. I pushed him away and he left because he thought it was because I was rejecting him. After he left, I went to go look for him. I went all over town, but I couldn't find him anywhere. He was at the bar. I went in…and tried to talk to him. He wouldn't listen, and walked back in. I watched him play for a while before a guy cornered him in the restroom. I walked in and scared the guy off. Dean and I almost got into a fight before I kissed him. I wanted to show him that I wasn't rejecting him. We went back to the room, and we had a long talk. Dean told me he still wasn't ready to hear any more. I told him that the only reason I pushed away is because I didn't want to take advantage of him. He seemed to understand and we ended up…"

"Ended up…?"

"We…umm, we made love."

"Oh…" was all Margaret said

"When I woke up, I, I watched him for a little while before getting up. I went to go get us some breakfast. He cleaned while I went to the diner. When I got back I took a shower. The water changed from hot to cold suddenly and I screamed. He came in and I assured him that everything was alright. We began to talk…and he had another flashback." Sam's throat clenched slightly at the recollection. "He…remembered everything in a flash. He looked like he was in so much pain. I was trying to get him to come back to the real world when he told me to back away form him….He called me a sick bastard and told me to keep the fuck away from him. I…thought he was going to explode, something, but instead he just acted calm. It was disturbing. He told me to get my stuff and get ready to leave. I was just so shocked. I tried to talk to him, but he kept ignoring me, and then he turned on the radio. We didn't speak any more. I decided to give him some time to cool off before trying again. I fell asleep and when I woke up we were here. I was having nightmare and Dean woke me up. He looked so worried, but after I woke up, Dean seemed to go back to his emotionless self. We're supposed to stay here for another couple of days. As soon as we got here, we went to bed. Dean fell asleep, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned until I was almost asleep. Right before I did, I heard him moaning and groaning. I thought he was having a nightmare. But right before I was going to wake him up, I realized he wasn't having a nightmare, he was umm…dreaming about…"

"You, right?" Margaret guessed with a voice that sounded like she knew more than she would let on.

"Yeah, he was. He woke up a few minutes later and went to the restroom while I went to bed. When I woke up, he was gone. I thought he'd left or something had happened, but he had just gone to go get some breakfast. We ate, and I tried to talk to him, but I…it was difficult. He began to walk away and I grabbed his hand. He winced and I took a look at his hand. It was bruised pretty badly. I asked him if he did that to himself, and we got into another argument. I…I knew that if I wanted him to talk about what had happened than I would have to force him to face the issue. Dean's like that; he'll help you through anything, but he never wants to talk about anything that happened to him. He tried to avoid talking about it, but as soon as I told him that I had heard him dreaming he…he opened up. When he did, he sounded so hurt, but he needed to get everything off his chest."

"Sam, what did he tell you?" Margaret asked, her voice soft

"He…he told me he's liked me since I was in high school. That he started falling in love with me since that long ago. Just like me. He told me that he almost told me so many times. He would go to see me at college, but as soon as he would see me, happy, he would leave. He wrote me letters to let me know he and our dad were still ok. I never responded. He told me that after a while, Dad just told him that I had forgotten them and that I didn't want to respond to them. He stopped writing after that. I didn't respond because it was so hard to act like I just thought of him as my brother. When our Dad went missing…" Sam didn't finish his sentence as Margaret interrupted him

"Your dad's missing?"

Sam mentally cursed himself. He had to try and tell her that he was without worrying her.

"Uh, yeah, he's been missing for a while. The work he's in involves a lot of travel. Sometimes he doesn't come back home. We're looking for him right now. We know he's ok though."

"Uh huh" Margaret said, as though she wasn't buying it.

"When Dad went missing, he said it was hard to come after me. We hadn't talked in so long. He tried to focus on finding Dad. So did I. But then he lost his memory…and, well you know what happened after that. I…I told him everything I had been feeling up until then. I told him that I've been in love with him since high school. I told him I knew what I did was wrong and that I was so sorry. I told him that I deserved everything he said and more. I told him that I wanted a chance to do it right, without lies." Memories of the fight ran through his head and the tears began to fall once more.

"What did Dean do?"

"He…he left. He told…told me that we shouldn't travel together anymore. That…that I should just go back to college and forget about all of this. Then he walked out the door. And asked me not to follow." Sam pressed the corners of his eyes with one of his hands, trying to stem the flow of tears.

"Oh, Sam…are you ok?"

"No, I need to fix this, but…"

"Then what the hell are you doing talking to me?"

"Wh-what?" Sam asked, surprised by the remark.

"I said, if you really want to fix this, then why the hell are you talking to me? Go after him."

"But…"

"Sam…Dean loves you. You love Dean. That's all that matters. You made a mistake. You both need to work on that so you can move on. I can tell, without each other, neither of you would last long. Neither of you will be happy leaving the other behind. So go"

"He asked me to stay away."

"He's just afraid"

"But I don't…"

"Sam, if you don't go now you'll regret it. Trust me. Oh, I have to go; my son is taking everyone out to dinner. I guess it's a thank you for all of us before he goes on his honeymoon. God, it's like the reception wasn't enough. Good bye and good luck."

"Thank you, good bye." Sam heard the phone line cut off, and he hung up his cell phone. Sam didn't move form where he was, he simply looked at his cell phone. What should he do now?

'_I…My mind's telling me to stay away, but my heart's telling me to go. What do I do? No…it's not even hard to pick. I'm going. Neither of us will be happy this way. Margaret's right. I have to go after him'_

Determined to find Dean, Sam grabbed the keys and headed out. It suddenly occurred to him that Dean left without anything. He had left his duffel bag and without his car keys. He had no way to get anywhere. Before he had even gone down to the car, Sam knew exactly where he was headed. A bar. Without a way to get to places, Dean would go to try ad get some money. He got all of their money at bars. He didn't see the town earlier, but he was sure he could find Dean. He only hoped he was not too late. On his way, only one thought made its way through his resolve.

'_I'll make everything right. No matter what. I promise Dean.'_


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: This is the end. I am so happy I finished this, although the fact that it's over also makes me kind of sad. This is only the second fanfiction I have ever written, so I was shocked by all of the good reviews I got. I want to give a big thank you to everyone who reviewed my story. You are all my heroes. I also want to thank everyone who put this story on either their favorites or alert list ot who put me on their watch or favorites list. You are all kick ass. Also a thank you to everyone who read my story. Please, since this is the final chapter, everyone please leave a review.

Summary: After Dean left, Sam sat on his bed and reminisced in depression over everything he had lost with Dean's leaving. He chose to remember a paticular memory in which Dean told him his biggest fear was to be alone. Sam thinks that they are both alone now, when he remembers he does have someone to speak to. He pulled out Margaret's number from his wallet and spoke to her, bringing her up to speed on what had occured. Margaret listened, stopping Sam only to comfort him before giving Sam a big push, telling him to go find his brother and to resolve their issues. Sam thanks her and heads out to look for Dean with a new resolve.

* * *

Chapter 12

Sam made his way into the bar looking for Dean. It had taken him about a half an hour to get here, so it must have been around noon. Sam had no idea where he was, so it took him some time to figure out where the bars were. There were three bars in this town. Sam had stopped at one before this one. Sam swept his eyes again and spotted Dean watching the billiard tables from the bar. Sam quickly made his way there, butterflies forming in his stomach. A nervousness that had not been there while he was searching for his brother settled deep in his being. This was the biggest defining point he had ever faced. What happened now would determine so much, and it scared Sam to think of what could happen. Shaking the thoughts from his head, Sam closed the distance between himself and Dean and opened his mouth to speak, his throat suddenly dry again.

"Dean" Sam managed to say in a quiet voice. Dean stiffened noticeably before turning around slowly. When Dean's eyes focused on Sam, he seemed at a loss for words.

"Sammy…" was all Dean could say. Sam himself felt unable to form words. It felt uncomfortable, to say the least, to be with Dean. The air around them felt heavy, like it was weighing them down and making this more difficult. Sam did the only thing he thought he could do. He tried to convey everything he felt for Dean in a small gesture. Leaning down, he pressed his lips to Dean's in a chaste kiss. Pulling away just as fast, he saw Dean's eyes cloud over with an emotion he could not discern. Looking around, Sam realized where they were and tried to see if anyone had any problem with what he had just done. Not that he cared, but he needed to speak with Dean without interruptions. Luckily no one seemed to have noticed. Breathing a sigh of relief, Sam sat down in the seat beside Dean, wondering where to go from here.

"I found you. I've been looking for you for about a half an hour" Sam said, feeling like he was out of place, something he had never felt around Dean. He would never admit this to Dean, because he didn't feel like being teased about it, but every time he had seen Dean in the past, it felt like he was home. It didn't matter where he really was. To him, Dean was home. But now he felt awkward and strange. Everything really had changed.

"Sam, why did you follow me?" Dean's voice sounded tired and resigned, but not angry.

"I…we need to talk" Sam stated, wondering how this conversation would go.

"We already have, Sam."

"No, we haven't. Not for real."

"I don't want to arg-" but Dean was cut off.

"Why is this always so difficult for you, Dean? Why do you always try to avoid talking?" Sam asked, hoping to lead this conversation slower than before. He needed to work through many issues, and he knew that Dean had to work through them too, but this wouldn't work if Dean didn't cooperate. He knew that he shouldn't push Dean either, but sometimes Dean needed a shove to understand what was going on.

"I'm just not built that way."

"What way? Everyone needs to talk about things or else, nothing gets fixed."

"I just…why are we talking about this? You still haven't given me a straight answer. Why the hell did you follow me?"

"I told you, we need to talk. What were you going to say right now? Before you cut off"

"What difference does it make, Sam? Honestly?" Dean's voice still sounds tired, but there's also something else now; like a small edge of anger. Sam knew that getting anger from Dean is not a good reaction, but at least he was getting something.

"Please, Dean, it makes a huge difference."

"I just…it makes me uncomfortable to seem weak. I…I take care of you and Dad. The two of you need me to be strong. You're more careful than I am, but when you throw yourself into doing something, you're like Dad. Stubborn and reckless. I…you both need me to be strong, so I am." At the end, Dean's tone sounded slightly bitter, but it changed back to the same resigned tone he had earlier.

Sam felt a knot of guilt form in his stomach. He knew Dean learned how to hide his emotions because of Dad and him, but he never knew Dean felt bitter about that. Sam pressed on, knowing he and Dean needed to talk about everything, so that he and Dean might…no, Sam was not going to let himself hope until he knew that Dean was ok.

"I never knew that was why. I'm so sorry Dean. I never knew how much Dad and I put so much pressure on you. You don't deserve that. You need to talk about things too." Dean shrugged as if not caring, and the gesture made Sam frown.

"It doesn't matter anymore. You needed an older brother," Sam noted the past tense in Dean's voice, "and Dad needs a soldier to help him against the Demon." The flippant tone that made it seem like he didn't care sent a wave of anger through Sam and he couldn't help responding a little angrily.

"Dean, that's no reason to keep things bottled up. Just because me and Dad are morons doesn't mean you have to bottle things up. You don't deserve that; no one does"

Dean opened his mouth, as if to speak, but then just shrugged again. That same flippant gesture he had done earlier just made him even angrier now. Pushing it down, Sam decided to move on to something else.

"Dean, what were you going to do?"

"What do you mean?" Dean asked, although he sounded relieved they had changed topics

"How were going to go anywhere, Dean? You left without anything. Your clothes, your belongings, your equipment, your car…"

"I know. I really wasn't thinking about the future when I left, just that…just that I needed to leave"

"You didn't have to leave, Dean. You could have stayed."

"Sam, I do. I can't…stay with you anymore."

"Why? Why can't you stay with me?"

"It's complicated, Sam"

Sam felt frustration begin to build inside him.

"Then simplify it."

"It's a lot of things Sam. It's just…you scare me"

"What?" Sam asked, completely confused. How could he scare Dean? That didn't make any sense.

Dean seemed nervous as he responded Sam's question.

"You…you're so…I don't know. Every time I'm around you, I feel so many different things. You, it terrifies me what you can make me feel. Whenever I see you hurt, all I want to do is protect you. I want to comfort you, so you feel better. I want to keep you safe from everything, so I never have to see anything happen to you. When you're happy, no matter what else may be going on, that's all I need to keep going. When you're angry, I want to calm you down so you can be happy again. When you smile, I feel lost. I feel dizzy. I feel confused. I…no matter who I'm with, no matter what girl or guy I pick up at some bar, all I can think of is you. My mind wanders back to you and whatever I may be doing with them is just a poor substitute for you. And this is what scares me the most." Dean's eyes became bright as tears began to fill his eyes. "You…you can destroy me. It's fucking terrifying. It would be so easy for you to. With a single action or whim you could make me happy, but you could also destroy me, beyond repair. Really, it just scares the hell out of me. I don't think I could take that." Dean began to look away, but Sam placed a hand under Dean's chin to force him to look at him.

Sam was startled by what Dean had just said. He hadn't realized how much of an effect he had on Dean. Dean's words echoed through his mind, filling him with multiple emotions. Love, sadness, happiness, and confusion were all things that ran through Sam's mind. He now knew the level which Dean felt about him and this filled him with so much happiness and love. He was so confused at how someone like him could affect Dean like that, and he was so sad that this scared Dean so much. Dean looked visibly shaken by what he had just revealed. His hands seemed to star fidgeting and he kept glancing at the door All of Sam's heart went out to his older brother, and all he wanted was another moment with Dean, another happy smile that lit up the room.

"Dean, I would never do anything like that to you. I couldn't think about doing that. You mean too much to me."

"So what about what you did? That did make me feel like I would break."

Sam felt the wave of guilt which had settled in his stomach flare up once again. "Dean, you have no idea how much I regret what I did, and I'm so sorry I did it. You don't deserve something like what I did to you to happen. But Dean, everything you said, it's the same for me" Sam watched as Dean looked at him incredulously, something flashing in his eyes. "Dean, I promise," Sam continued, "Everything you just said is the same fore me. You make me feel the same things you just described. You can destroy me; in the same way you think I can destroy you. And I don't think I could take you leaving like this. Dean you said you were scared. So am I. This thing, whatever it is, is terrifying to me too. I…it's scary, but I…I want to try. Try to make this work. Please, just give this a chance. I love you, I really do. If you love me too, then give me a chance. So that I can show you how sorry I am. Dean I regret what I did, but I can't take it back. The only thing I can do is tell you how truly sorry I am and show you, with my actions how much remorse I feel, but I can only do that if you let me. Please, Dean. I promise. I will never hurt you again like I did. I promise, with every breath I take I will never hurt you again. Let me show you I mean it."

Dean looks up, surprised, the first true emotion Sam's been able to get out of him since the conversation began. A single tear moved down Dean's cheek, and Sam moved his hand to wipe it away. When Dean didn't pull away, he took it as a good sign. When Sam wiped away the tear, he left his hand caressing the Dean's cheek gently.

"Dean, is that the only reason you want to leave? Just because you're scared."

Sam watched as Dean smiled without a sign of happiness. The twisted kind of smile seemed sad and resigned, like he had come to a decision he felt he would regret. Like the decisions you make because you think you're doing everyone good.

"No, it's not. I am terrified. I really am. That's not all though. I love you, Sam, I really do, and it makes me want say fuck off to everything that wants to stop me. But it's just…I don't see the point in getting into something that won't last. And after it's all over, what'll be left? I'll just end up losing another person on the short list of people I care about. I don't want to lose my little brother like that. I'd prefer to end this now, when we can still be brothers."

Sam sat stunned when he heard Dean's response. Thoughts buzzed through his head as he stared at Dean.

'_What does he mean? We don't have a future? Why would he even think that?'_

Sam felt so paralyzed he couldn't even stop Dean as he stood up and make his way out of the bar. Quickly coming to his senses, Sam stood up and ran after Dean. He saw Dean begin to walk away, seemingly lost, and just walking in a random direction. Sam sped up to get try and stop Dean.

"Dean, wait!" Sam pleaded, placing a hand on his brother's shoulder. When Dean turned around, Sam was surprised to see Dean quickly wipe away another tear that had begun to make it's way down his face.

"Sam, please, make this easier and just let me leave."

"Why do you think we couldn't have a future? Dean, you don't know that."

"Yes I do. At the end of all this, we'll end up destroyed too."

"What makes you think that?"

"You're really stupid when it comes to the future, aren't you Sam? Sam, tell me, what will you do once this is all over? You'll go back to college, right? I'm happy for you, really, I am. You have this bright future ahead of you, Sam. When you leave hunting, you'll go back to college and you can become someone. A lawyer, or a judge, or whatever it is you get the urge to become."

"What does that have to do with us? Our relationship I mean." Sam needed to know

"Sam, I can't do that. I don't have a bright future like you do. I can't just leave hunting and go have a normal life. I would never be able to do it. I can't survive as anything else. What could I do, a high school drop out, who has no real skills or job experience anyone could know about? I'm a hunter. Hunter's are always gonna be trapped as a barrier between the darkness and the light. I'm no exception. That's all there is to it. Our futures are way too different. I'm stuck hunting and you, well, you've always wanted to have a normal life. I can't have that. I could never live like that, living a normal life while other's that I could've protected die. I'm going to hunt until either I die or I can't anymore. And once I can't, then my job will switch to teacher, showing the new generation of hunters how to handle themselves. I don't want you to stay with me and then resent me later on. And I don't want to stay with you and then have to leave at the end of all of this. But either way, I end up losing you. That's why I want to leave. So that I can continue hunting, alone," Dean shuddered slightly at the word, "and so that I can keep being your brother, even if I want more."

Sam stared at his brother dumbly for a moment before beginning to whisper.

"Dean, how stupid do you have to be?"

"What?" Dean looked up confused

"When you still couldn't remember everything you told me, "Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to me?" Why can't you take your own advice? Why can't you just let yourself be happy? Let us be happy…together. Dean the future is something that hasn't happened. Whatever might happen can't be decided by us. Any of the decisions that we make today, tomorrow, a week from now could change whatever it is that will happen. We can't control that, or really say what will happen. Dean, just give this a chance. That's all I'm asking."

"But after it's all over…"Dean began, but Sam interrupted him.

"Dean, I can't promise you that this will be easy. People will be closed minded about this, and I can't see Dad being very excited about this either. I can promise you this, though. I will never leave your side. Dean, you're right, I've always wanted a normal life," Sam watched as sadness flashed through Dean's eyes. "But I want you…no I want _**us**_ more. Dean, please, I know I made a mistake, but I want to show you how much you mean to me. All I'm asking is for a chance. A chance to show you everything you mean to me, a chance so I can promise I will never hurt you again. Please, Dean. You're afraid to be alone. So am I. Neither of us has to be alone though, if you just give this a chance. I love you, Dean. If you want to disagree with anything else, that's fine, but I love you, no matter what. Never doubt that." Sam watched as Dean looked up, the tears in his eyes beginning to cascade over his cheeks. Sam paused for a moment to move his hand up to wipe them away. "Hey, don't cry, Dean. I hate it when you do." Dean didn't respond, instead choosing to hug Sam tightly. Sam was startled for a moment, before responding in the same way, wrapping his arms around his older brother and hugging him tight. Sam heard Dean begin to say something in a broken, choppy voice.

"Not once…I didn't think I could really leave. I thought that leaving would be best, but I didn't think I could actually go through with it. I don't know where I actually go the nerve to leave. I think I was just desperate to get away"

Sam pressed a kiss to the crown of Dean's head before responding "Dean, I'm so sorry…" but Dean cut him off.

"Stop saying that. I know you mean it. That's enough. It's enough for me, anyway."

Sam smiled as he held his brother a little tighter at those words. His heart swelled at the thought that Dean had forgiven him. They stayed in each other's arms, Sam swaying them gently from time to time, in an attempt to calm Dean down. After a few minutes of gentle movements, Sam heard Dean calm down and stop crying. He was content to stay like this, in the calm, but Sam needed to know something.

"Dean…does this…does this mean we're…together?" Sam closed his eyes and hoped, prayed with all his heart he was right.

"Yeah, I guess it does." Dean said, pulling away to give Sam a smile. When Sam saw that smile he melted. He had been so afraid he would never see Dean's smile ever again and he couldn't help returning him a huge grin. For a moment, they stayed like that, smiling at each other, before Sam began to lean in for a kiss. Dean began to rise, too and his lips met Sam's halfway. The kiss was simple and light, but it felt incredible to Sam. After another moment, they pulled away.

"Get a room, you fags!!"

Both Sam and Dean jumped in surprise from the scream. A car passed by, a man inside who seemed to be enraged and scandalized. Sam glared at the car as it passed by, seeming to try and figure out how to catch the car and beat the man inside bloody. Sam had almost come up with a plan when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw Dean shake his head no with a small smile on his face.

"Down, boy" Dean said, the small joke hanging in the air. Sam cracked a smile when he saw Dean's attempt at humor in the situation and he couldn't help letting out a laugh. Dean began to laugh too, and soon they began to laugh harder and harder. Sam began to turn red in the face as he couldn't get enough air and Dean actually began to cry from the laughing. After a while the laughing began to die down, but every time they caught each other's eye, they could not help but let out a small chuckle.

"I guess kissing you in public wasn't the greatest idea, was it?" Sam asked, still smiling at Dean. He couldn't stay mad, not when Dean was in such a good mood.

"No, I don't think it was. It would be best if we avoid, you know, showing this to everyone. Act normal when we're in public."

"Yeah, I think that's probably the best thing to do. Besides, that just makes everything better when I have you all to myself." Sam said the last part in a low whisper, his voice almost a growl

"Keeping this a secret will probably just make things more interesting anyway. Although, it would be just as easy to say fuck off to everyone who annoys us. Speaking of having me all to yourself, we should probably go back to the room." Dean said the final part with a slight suggestive air, and Sam couldn't help grinning.

"Sure, I think we should go back. We can have some alone time. We aren't leaving for a while anyway."

"Exactly my thoughts" Dean said, beginning to head toward the car.

Sam began to walk beside Dean, when a thought suddenly struck him. It was dumb, but he had to make sure Dean understood what he was getting into.

"You know I'm possessive, right?" Sam asked

"What?" Dean responded sounding slightly amused

"Me. I'm giving you fair warning now. I have a big jealousy streak. Just thought you ought to know"

"I know you do. I remember from when you told me I was yours and that you were mine. Don't worry about it. It's kind of cute and sweet." When Sam stifled a laugh, Dean frowned slightly. "Sammy, don't you dare tell anyone I said that."

"I would never dream it, Dean" Sam said, although he couldn't help laughing a little again.

Sam passed Dean the keys to the Impala and got into the passenger seat of the car. Dean got in too, but he made no move to turn on the car. Sam was about to ask him why he was just sitting there, but before he could Dean began to speak.

"I've already told you I have trouble with emotions."

"What?" Sam asked, confused

"Me. You said you were warning me about your jealousy. I'm giving you fair warning too. I can't really handle my feelings very well, so if something's bugging me, I might not tell you until I can't take it anymore. I'll try the best I can to tell you, but it's like…I don't know. Sam do you remember when we were younger and Dad made us memorize some words in Latin? Remember how hard it was to speak in the beginning? How difficult it was to learn? That's how I feel when I'm trying to say something when it comes to emotions. I'll try to share with you, but I hate chick flick moments, so don't always count on it." Dean had added the last bit as a joke to lighten the mood, but his tone remained deadly serious. Sam smiled and moved his hand to briefly, but firmly grasp Dean's shoulder.

"That's fine. I couldn't ask you for anything more. This is years of conditioning and I can't expect it to stop overnight. I'll try to keep my jealousy in check too, but it won't be easy for me at first. Now, let's go to the motel and have some fun" Sam smiled at Dean and Dean began to smirk as he turned on the car and drove to the motel room.

* * *

Sam closed the door behind him as quickly as he could, locking the door so as not to be disturbed. Before he had even fully turned around, Dean was already there, his lips on Sam's. Their kiss quickly escalated in passion, and Sam tasted his brother's unique taste once again. Sam pushed Dean back toward a bed, removing his jacket on the way. Sam felt Dean do the same, and he continued pushing Dean slowly backward. When they had reached the edge, Sam pushed Dean slowly onto the bed, following him down, and never breaking the kiss. Sam felt Dean's hands begin to roam, moving under his shirt and exploring his torso. He followed the suit, pushing Dean's shirt up slowly while feeling his brother's skin. Sam reluctantly broke the kiss both to get some air and to remove his shirt. Once his shirt had been removed he moved away slightly to give Dean room to remove his own. The moment his brother had removed his shirt, Sam moved down again, attacking Dean's neck. Dean moaned as Sam began to move down his neck, leaving more marks to join those he had made the last time. Dean began to tremble in anticipation as Sam moved his hands down Dean's body to undo his jeans. With deft fingers, he undid Dean's jeans, but made no move to remove them, instead choosing to torture his brother a little longer. Sam began to slowly kiss down Dean's chest, he felt Dean wrap his arms around him, clawing slightly at his back. As Sam bit down again, he heard Dean groan something.

"Oh, god, Sammy, please…"

Sam looked up at Dean's flushed face and smirked.

"Please, what?" Sam asked, his voice a low, husky whisper.

"Please, just hurry up and fuck me already" Dean pleaded, too deep in pleasure to care. Sam growled his approval and he began to move down Dean's body again, earning more whimpers from Dean.

"You know, you don't seem to mind giving me control, Dean" Sam said, as he continued to kiss down, leaving a bit now and then as he listened to Dean whine.

"Wouldn't do it for anyone else, but you, Sammy" Dean panted in between whimpers and whines.

Sam removed Dean's jeans, but left his underwear on. As much as Dean turned him on, Sam still wanted to torture him just a little more. Moving his hands to his own jeans, he began to undo them, wanting them off as they had become too tight for him to be comfortable. After fumbling for a few seconds, Sam finally managed to remove his jeans, pushing them down his legs and kicking them off. Moving back down, Sam pulled Dean into another kiss, shifting so that he was on top of Dean again. As they continued to share another passionate kiss, their erections pressed against each other's, making them both moan into each other's mouths sheer pleasure. Sam's hands began to roam Dean's body again, exploring every inch of his brother's toned torso. Sam's hands had just made their way to waistband of Dean's boxer briefs when all of a sudden a loud ringing started sounding in the room, causing both Winchester brother's to jump in surprise. After the initial surprise and after he realized it was just a phone, Sam decided to ignore it and he moved back down onto Dean. Much to his surprise, however, Dean pushed against him, in an effort to get him to move away.

"Ignore it" Sam suggested as he tried to coax Dean to stay with small kisses

Dean groaned before saying, "Sam, you know we can't. Let me up." Sam sighed loudly before moving away. Dean grabbed his jeans and looked into the pockets. After a few moments of searching, Dean extracted his cell phone. He answered it.

"Hello? This is Dean" Dean asked to whoever was on the line. Sam watched from the bed as Dean nodded without speaking for a few moments before hanging up. Dean turned around to face Sam before speaking.

"Dad's got new coordinates for us" Dean responded to Sam's questioning gaze. His voice sounded like he was regretting what he was about to say. "We gotta go, Sammy"

"Now? Are you serious?!" Sam asked, incredulous. God could their dad have had worse timing?

Dean sighed loudly before responding. "Yeah, we gotta go. Now. Get dressed Sam." Dean seemed just as reluctant as Sam, and for a moment, Sam thought that he might be able to continue this.

"Come on; let's just finish what we were doing Dean. We can leave after that." Dean didn't reply. Instead, Sam watched as Dean began to walk closer to him. Dean leaned down and placed a kiss onto Sam's lips. Sam was content for a moment before he felt a hand wrap around his hard, throbbing length under his boxers, causing his to moan into Dean's mouth. He felt the hand begin to slowly tease him, causing him to continue to groan into Dean's mouth. Sam began to buck into the hand as he felt himself get closer to completion. Then suddenly Dean pulled away, a wicked smile on his face.

"That should hold you over until we stop later on"

"Are you joking?!" Sam exclaimed, unable to believe what Dean had just done.

"No, I'm dead serious, now get dressed" Sam watched in sheer disbelief as Dean began to get dressed. Sam began to pout as he began to put on his clothes. When Dean turned around, he laughed.

"Oh, quit pouting" Dean said, now fully dressed and laughing while he said it.

"But, it's not fair…" Sam said, trying to make puppy dog eyes as Dean while he finished putting on his clothes.

"Hey, no fair pulling your puppy eyes. You know damn well that I can't tell you no when you do that."

"So, does that mean we should stop?"

"No, Sam, that means that when we stop, I swear I'll make it worth your while." Dean said, waggling his eyebrows and causing the both of them to laugh.

"Alright, alright, but I'm holding you to your promise." Sam grumbled in slight annoyance as they grabbed their things. Smiling they both began to head down to the front desk to check out. As they walked out toward the Impala after checking out, thoughts began to swim through Sam's mind.

'_I…God, I feel so happy. This…I don't care what anyone says, it feels right. So long as I can make Dean happy, that's all I care about. And he's happy with me! I feel like I'm going to burst. God, I can't wait until we stop. Then I'll show him what happens to teasing bastards.'_

"Sam? You ok? You've been staring into space for awhile now"

"Yeah, Dean, I'm fine. I'm just thinking."

"About me?" Dean teased

"About what I'll do to you. Now drive. The sooner we get there the sooner we can continue."

"Yes, sir" Dean smirked as he began to head out of the parking lot. Sam watched Dean drive and one thought passed through his mind.

'_God, he is so beautiful. And all mine. I'm so lucky. Heh, I guess wishes do come true.'_

With this final thought, Sam settled into the seat and began to watch the scenery pass. Sam knew their relationship would not be easy, but he didn't care. He had already gotten his wish. If he had Dean beside him, that's all that mattered. That's all he cared about.

The End


End file.
